AIBU to be annoyed at my friend about this?

[Sammie101]

Hi guys. About a week ago I posted asking for advice about my DD's christening and got some really helpful advice. Genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable about this and whether I should be an understanding adult (or tell my friend to stop being so selfish!)

So to cut a long story short, me and DP decided to have our daughter christened with just the godparents and their partners as guests (due to my very disfunctional family and lack of funds/no desire whatsoever for a huge party)

I sent a message to 4 of my close friends who would have been invited if we were having a big christening. I explained that as much as we'd love them to be there, we had decided it was best for us just to have the godparents there and explained why. I reiterated how I just wanted the day to be about DD and this was the main reason for not inviting many people.

I expected my friends to be disappointed. One has replied saying she hopes we have a great day. My other friend, I'll call her A, replied telling me how upset and disappointed she was.

She then went on to guilt trip me by saying she was already upset she wasn't chosen to be a godmother, that she had spent a fortune practising cakes to make (she told me she was making the christening cake, we didn't ask her to do this) and felt left out and upset that she wasn't invited because she hadn't done anything wrong.

AIBU to be raged by this? I said I was really sad that they weren't invited but felt I couldn't invite a few friends when none of my family or DPs family would be there. I replied (very nicely!) that DPs family hadn't done anything wrong either but understood our decision.

I just want it to be about my daughter and have a nice day. And once again A makes everything about her and lays on a guilt trip. And now I feel bad/angry that she is trying to make me feel bad for not inviting her.

Could your friends come along to the church and sit with the rest of the congregation? That way they get to be involved but without any need for you to have a party afterwards.

If you invite one or two more guests it'll snowball. If you've decided it is to be a small ceremony, stick to it. She sounds very entitled and over involved especially her comments about the cake.

YANBU - your friend sounds quite practised in the art of emotional blackmail. Might be an opportunity to have a friend 'clear out?'.

Bit late now but really if you are not inviting people you are better off not telling them until afterwards. Swear the godparents to secrecy and don't even mention it to anyone else. That way you can have the day you want.

Without knowing the dynamics of your friendship it is hard to say. She was obviously disappointed not to be chosen as a godparent but still wanted to be part of the day and making the cake seemed her way.

could it be that you are more important to her than she is to you?

I have a friend who was really hurt not to be chosen as godparent and it did impact on their friendship. but in her case she had done a lot for her friend and ended up feeling used (she had a point!).

I wouldn't be too annoyed with her - you've told her how things are and she will have to accept it. Don' let it ruin the day for you. She's let you know how she feels and you've told her what the situation is. there isn't really anything else you can do other than let her get over it

A is being ridiculous.
On a side note I hope you realise just how reasonable your DPs family are being- I would imagine they may be hurt that hey cannot watch their granddaughter being christened because of your dysfunctional family and for them to not make a fuss reflects very well on them.

Me again- why can't people just come along to the church and watch the ceremony? I genuinely don't understand. You don't need to have a party afterwards if you don't want to.

I had considered that Grace, but my DM will be out the country on the day of DD's christening (she booked a holiday after I had confirmed no other guests) so if I invited people to the church for the service my DM would be upset that she wasn't there. She only booked the holiday because I told her only the godparents would be there.

Another thing is we're taking the godparents out for a meal afterwards and I think it may be quite awkward if she was there and we said "well, we're going for a meal now, so bye..."

I understand why she'd be upset but if I were in her shoes I would at least try and be a bit more understanding she was like this when it came to arranging my baby shower! My best friend (DD's godmother) arranged it and when she found out she was ranting and raving about how she was going to do it and she had everything planned I'm just annoyed that if things don't go to her plan she ALWAYS kicks off about it

In our church the christening party goes to the vestry and then leaves through one of the side doors. Everyone else remains in church till the end of the service so you could just slip away.
I don't see how you can prevent someone from attending to be honest.

YANBU.

A is being ridiculous. It's as if she thought the christening was somehow in honour of her rather than the child.

And the cake thing? Stupid. You didn't ask her. And she's complaining about having spent money on practicing baking?!

She sounds unhinged and a complete nightmare. Stay firm: 'so sorry you feel that way but our decision is final for the reasons I outlined in my previous email. Would be lovely to see you soon.'

I would distance myself from her a bit. You can't tiptoe through life, scared to make plans in case friend A gets upset. I would let her know that her behaviour and over reactions are hurting your friendship.

YANBU unreasonable wanting a small christening but YABU letting her make the cake! At the point when she offered you should have let her know you were having such a small do. She must surely feel a bit used.

Personally, if this is a close friend, I'd be sensitive to her feelings even if you feel annoyed. I think you are totally entitled to the day you want, but if you choose a way of doing a Christening (often an occasion for family, friends and community) that excludes close friends, they might feel a bit upset.

My way of thinking is that your friend was happy to come along, was excited and practicing cakes, all to make a fuss of your DD. That's really nice and what you want friends to do.
There are lots of threads on here about people who feel upset that friends and family don't bother about their DC's birthdays/christening.

It sounds like your friend really wanted to be a godparent, bit her tongue and now feels demoted down the friendship chain.

A previous poster mentioned that maybe you are more important to her than she is to you. That sounds like the situation with the baby shower too - she wants to play a big role in nice events for you and then feels hurt when she isn't chosen as one of the closest to you. Maybe she likes to be at the centre of the action or maybe she just really likes you.

In this instance, I would just say "Sorry you're disappointed. I chose the godparents I thought would be right for DD which has nothing to do with how much I value our friendship. And the Christening is just a tiny affair as I explained. Shall we get together at mine on X and I will make you dinner?" or something.

I'm just a bit sad that she has reacted this way, even though I did expect it.

My friendship group had all cut contact with her after her controlling became just too much. We didn't speak for just under a year. Just before I fell pregnant we all reconnected and everyone apologised. She confided in us that she knew she had issues with always having to be in control which had escalated. When we all started talking again she seemed so much happier and laid back. Slowly she's started to go back to how she used to be--she kicked off with us all because we went round to hers for a takeaway and some of us decided we wanted chicken instead of pizza. She got angry that she had planned for us all to have pizza and couldn't control what we were eating (her words, not mine)

She makes life so much more difficult than it needs to be and I'm a little fed up of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells and always do what she wants me to do!

I'm so sorry, this is turning into a full on rant!

You don't have to have her in your life. She sounds draining. And you certainly don't have to feel bad about not inviting her to the christening.

I did something similar for my DD's Christening. It was the service with just me her dad and God parents. Then back to mine for tea and cake. It was to avoid the whole who can't come if such and such comes. It was a lovely day.

Ling she was already aware that we were considering this. I confided in her about how worried I was at the thought of all my family in the same room. She knows the full history of my family and understands how anxious I get about it.

I definitely don't think that I mean more to her than she does to me, she has been a friend for years despite us having our ups and downs. With the whole godparent thing I do feel like she thinks because I didn't chose her she's not as good a friend. That's absolutely not the case, but it's so hard to pick people when I'm so close to all my friends.

Also to the poster who made the point about DP's family being very understanding--they really are. They are all amazing, I'm really lucky to have their support

Just bin this woman, she sounds like a total nightmare and you do not have to put up with it. It's not your responsibility to make her happy.

Oh dear, it sounds like there is a big back story with your friend. Hope you manage to have a lovely Christening day anyway x

since when did christenings become some big deal anyway - when i was young, yuo gpot christened and maybe grandparents were there as well - so far as i recall there were never parties when i was growing up, yr friend sounds off her rocker -