Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

just to say I'm not interested, leave me out of it?

24 replies

winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 10:21

I had what I thought was a good friend. Saw each other every week, sons played together at nursery, play dates etc. We had a good laugh. I thought we were close. I was the first person she told she was pg (apart from her family obviously and baby born this September), when her dh was made redundant etc.

This past year, she's been actively avoiding me socially. I didn't 'get' it for a long time and I'm embarrassed about that as she was physically stepping away from me whilst I merrily carried on, greeting her warmly etc. I've been really quite hurt by this as you don't get good friends very often.

She's never rude, sometimes a wee bit chatty if circumstances force it but she will always seek out other people at the school gate first, make play dates with every other child in the nursery part of the school apart from with mine.

My ds2 keeps asking to play with her son. What do I say?

Every so often (monthly-six weeks), this friend and I along with two other friends meet at each other's houses for supper. We chat, drink wine, have a laugh etc. We've not done it for a while actually. One of the other women has proposed a date to which my (ex) friend has responded enthusiastically.

I don't want to go. Absolutely, I could of course go and sit and chat and make small talk. But I don't want to.

Thinking about it, she has been very rude to me under the guise of superficial politeness.

And I don't get why she wants to go either after she's worked pretty hard (especially since I didn't realise) to shed me as a friend. Surely this evening together will set back her hard work and she might think I want to see her socially again and that will be awkward for her.

I don't want to involve the two other women in any drama. In fact, I don't want any drama at all but I can't see how I can get out of what was this regular meet up.

I don't want to sit there and chat whilst she's been determinedly trying to avoid me in every other social setting. Why should I and what can I say to get out of it permanently with minimum fuss?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 09/01/2014 10:24

Why don't you ask her why she's avoiding you?

winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 10:26

Because I know what she'll say, she'll look blank and act innocent.

OP posts:
SkinnybitchWannabe · 09/01/2014 10:26

Ask her what's going on

FuckyNell · 09/01/2014 10:27

I'd go and accidentally on purpose spill wine down her top.

winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 10:27

Face to face or via email?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 09/01/2014 10:30

Either really. Refuse to be fobbed off, be assertive and if she acts innocent call her on it.

I'd go on purpose and just sit and stare at her.

gamerchick · 09/01/2014 10:30

I would go.. even if I didn't want to. Get the wine flowing and just observe. Alcohol usually gets stuff out in the open and rather that than sit at home wondering if they're bitching about me yet.

Why should you have to opt out of stuff when she's the one with the problem and can't be arsed to tell you why?

Joiningthegang · 09/01/2014 10:35

I would avoid- too uncomfortable to be enjoyable - I was dropped by a friend - or so I thought. She never told me why - I would go a Lin way to avoid her now.

Like you, if I asked I would get a blank "don't know what you mean" and then in explaining I would sound like a fool.

I like the thin about having friends for a reason, for a season or for life - my friend was a season (a long one, but it's over now)

It took me a good while to get over it - I think the joint friend bit makes it harder.

winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 10:42

Plus if I do go then aren't I looking like I'm coming back for more rudeness? No dignity etc.

I've made other friends since and am perfectly fine really but I'm cross about how rude she has been in effect.

And now this event has been organised.

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 09/01/2014 10:48

If you like the other 2 women, dont let her drama stop you, dont let her shove you out because she has a rat up her arse about something.

winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 10:55

One of the other women I really like - I see her alone pretty regularly for lunch/play dates in holidays.

The other one, I'm not really fussed about at all. She's okay just someone who takes advantage of other people a bit.

OP posts:
scarletandblack · 09/01/2014 11:24

It is very hurtful when something like this happens, especially if you don't know why. Sometimes it can be to do with the respective dc's friendships cooling, which happened to me on several occasions as the children got older and didn't necessarily want to play with their mum's friends' children, or invite them to their parties (often the deal breaker!). Doesn't sound as though that is the case here, though.

Maybe the fact that your friendship is/has been so close meant she felt she had been neglecting other friends?

Out of interest, have you made the move to try to arrange play dates with your dcs? Just that it sounded from your post as though you waited for her to make the suggestion.

Could you invite her for a coffee, before the proposed evening get-together, and see how that goes with just the two of you, playing it by ear as to whether/how you tackle her about it? You may be able to clear the air.

winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 11:27

Yes. I gave her three dates we were available over the summer. She gave reasons why we couldn't meet for all of them and didn't suggest any alternatives.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 09/01/2014 11:28

I totally accept she does not want to be friends. Fine.

But then this meet up is just stupid then.

I need to wriggle out of it.

OP posts:
LooseTheBlubber · 09/01/2014 11:33

I see this on threads people telling an op to avoid and try and be as polite as possible to someone they want to shed as a friend without discussing why.

It is pointless some people don't want to tell a former friend why they no longer want to be friends, I wouldn't waste your time with any of it.

Viviennemary · 09/01/2014 11:36

Sounds as if she is a game player. Don't bother with her apart from polite hello if unavoidable. And make some new friends. And after a while ask the other two to your house and not her. Even introduce someone else. Life is to short to worry about this type of person. Make an excuse as to why you won't make it this time. Don't confront her. She will act all innocent as you say.

Lilacroses · 09/01/2014 11:44

That sounds horrible and hurtful. The difficulty is that she probably WILL act innocent and then that makes you look like you are being a drama queen. I had this happen to me last year and it was really confusing and awkward. I agree with Vivienmary. Don't go there unless you really, really want to sort this out and salvage the friendship.

FrysChocolateCream · 09/01/2014 11:48

If you only like one of the other three women and you see her alone anyway, then I can see why there seems no point in you going to the meet up.

We've all been there and yes it hurts. It is annoying that in our culture it is normal to tell a boyfriend/girlfriend that it is over but very unusual that people feel confident enough to tell a friend that it is over.

Annoying too cos I bet you are wondering why???? Smile

sympathies.

DIYapprentice · 09/01/2014 11:50

It's happened to me. I now just treat her as a friendly acquaintance rather than as a friend. (Don't underestimate the value of friendly acquaintances - stops you being bored when out and about Grin.)

Could that work for you? She's someone you can chat with occasionally, see in larger groups, but don't make the effort for on a 1to1 basis.

Oh and I wouldn't bother with trying to get an explanation. If she were a true friend and had a problem with you she would have said something at that point. She didn't - her loss.

poopadoop · 09/01/2014 12:04

Hi. This sounds upsetting, and as if you've moved on, good for you.

But are you not even slightly curious why she dropped you? I hate the thought of people trying to avoid other people, being worried they might run into them, and would you not like to clear the air a little? It would disempower the dropper if you just gently asked if there's something you should know, as you both might find it awkward socially that you seemed to suddenly see less of each other....at least you'll have said it, and while not wanting to be friends with her particularly, you retain dignity by not being upset, just curious.

Dromedary · 09/01/2014 12:22

She's behaving rather badly and causing you ongoing hurt. There seems little point in attending the dinners if there is only one person there you like and you can see her separately. I would tell that person that you and former friend are no longer friends and you will no longer be attending the dinners. I would then make a clean break with former friend by contacting her and saying that you feel that you and she have less in common than you used to, and that you feel that it would be best to acknowledge that you will no longer be meeting up. You can then explain to your child that there will be no more playdates. This gives you some control over the future.

Mollydoggerson · 09/01/2014 12:34

Maybe it's me, but I think it can be hard to keep at least half of all 'firends'.

For example - My best friend from school, I think will always be a friend despite ups and downs. But on a day to day basis maintaining the friendship can be hard and upsetting. Truthfully I think she is resentful. If I ever dare to fill her in on ups and downs in my worklife, she becomes frustrated with me. I was caught in the ice storms in the US when travelling with work and I let her know how exhausting it was and her response was 'there is always a story'. I found it quite negative. She is a sahm, and I think she resents any work chat and percieves it as gloating, which it most definitely is not. As work is a pretty big part of my life I will occassionally mention it. We are sometimes at loggerheads with regards to our life outlook.

I think friends who are at different stages in life or with different outlooks on life can be quite hard to maintain.

I think you are correct to take it all with a pinch of salt. All we can do is try to surround ourselves with positive, supportive people and not give too much headspace to the unsupportive awkward ones.

LooseTheBlubber · 09/01/2014 12:44

I find those real housewives shows very enlightening regarding the way groups of friends view a situation/drama. You as a viewer see the situation and hear both sides speak about it separately at a later stage. You see the misunderstandings, the different view points, bullying and scapegoating that goes on in friendships.

I would avoid this group meal, polite decline say you will explain why at a later stage and just see the lady you like individually, explain to her when on your own, not briefly so she will then discuss with the others where things can be twisted.

Laura0806 · 09/01/2014 14:26

As someone who has been through a very similar thing I would try if possible to do what DIY apprentice suggested. Unfortunately, because I was so upset ( she was what i thought to be my best friend) I asked her what I had done wrong to the reply' nothing darling everythings fine' whilst behaving in the manner of the person you describe. She tried to keep me as an acquaintance in order to not make things awkward for her but I was too hurt and avoided her and now she completely blanks me and its very awkward for us, mutual friends etc etc. It sounds as if you are over her so can just do the Hi and walk off and yes, if you feel awkward, avoid the mutual gathering. Make up an excuse at the last minute if you don't want to get into it with the other ladies. She will probably do it to them one day soon

New posts on this thread. Refresh page