To insist DS comes on this trip with me?

[anotherrandomusername]

He is 16 and has Asperger's. He is also anxious and depressive, and always sees the worst in everything. And he's obsessed with his XBox and hates being away from it.

He has been on a few holidays with his DF, and the run up is always torturous - hours and hours of going over every possible way he could get robbed or murdered or killed in a motorway pile up.

I haven''t been away in years, about 4/5 years ago I went on a weekend to Windsor with my aunt and cousin, but it was exhausting. DS complained non-stop.

This week my aunt sent me details of a coach holiday that picks up in my town. It's a weekend in North Wales based in a hotel in Rhyl, visiting Snowdonia and Llandudno, leaving Friday and coming back Monday - so not too long, and not too far (we're in Oxfordshire).

DS is refusing to go. He says he will stay in the house by himself - this is the boy who won't even let me have a bus seat to myself, and expects regular update texts when I leave the house to go to the shops, in case I get myself mugged or run over while I'm out.

Theoretically he can stay with his DF, or one of his uncles possibly. But I want him to come on the trip. Mostly because I would like his company, and hope he would enjoy it, and also because I have already paid for both of us.

Bizarrely, the day after I booked the trip, I won a 5 day stay in a national park resort - in Wales! I entered a few competitions online out of boredom Christmas week and I actually won! DS is furious and says neither will happen. This second one may not happen as I can't really afford the train travel. But this hasn't helped with DS' mindset.

AIBU to pack his bag and insist he go with me, or should I just let him stay with his DF and complain on the phone about being bored and neglected until I come back?

Would DS really be company? Can't you go for a rest and DS stay with relatives. The stress levels that DS would reach would not mean any kind of a break for you.

It would be a more serene break without him probably! But he refuses to do anything new, and if I don't push him he may end up a shut-in. He already says that's all he wants in life!

I do feel for you as at 16 my DS was playing with toy cars and much younger children as he has LD and mental health issues. I just do not believe forcing someone into what you percieve is normality actually works.

My son now lives with his DP and their lovely DS but he has had a rocky road. I also do not think forcing him to do things that will cause him huge distress will have a positive outcome.

I have Aspergers and was a stick in the mud at your DS's age and hated doing things with my parents especially going away. Hasn't stopped me trying new things since though!

I don't think you should force him. Just take this trip as a break for you to get a rest and Have some time for yourself. You aren't going to achieve what you're hoping to from him in a weekend.

I really don't think you should force him to go, neither of you would enjoy it then and he could make it really difficult for you. I didn't go on holidays with my parents from the age of about 14 - too embarrassing . I agree that he shouldn't stay at home on his own.

It would be a nice break for you to go on your own and meet some new friends perhaps?

Worrying about you getting mugged or run over, worrying about himself dying on the motorway or being murdered..... to me it sounds like he has severe anxiety and possibly OCD traits that needs addressing more urgently than you need a holiday.

It doesn't sound like something he would enjoy ? So if you force him to go you will send his anxiety into overdrive and he will be such a pain in the arse you wont enjoy yourself anyway.

Why can't he stop with family and you take yourself off for a much needed break?

Does he have help for his anxiety? Because that's obviously what he has. I understand that it may be linked to his Aspergers, but severe anxiety is crippling and not fun for anyone.

I have GA (generalised anxiety) and although it's gotten better with time, it's still hard to live with and it does impact on my relationships and friendships because I just worry and overthink everything. I really would suggest getting him some help for it, because combined with his depressive tendencies, he's in for a pretty miserable time if he doesn't get it addressed.

As for your OP, YABU to insist he comes along to something he'll hate, but I wouldn't be happy to leave a 16 year old with Aspergers and bad anxiety at home alone. Send him to stay with his dad or a family member and go off and enjoy yourself - it sounds like you could do with a break!

I dont think its fair to expect him to go, he sounds very stressed just thinking about it.

He had counselling once/twice a month through CAMHS for over two years. He was signed off before Christmas, they seem to think he doesn't need help anymore because he's coping with a three day a week farm placement.

The problem with him is that a) he's convinced he will suddenly be prepared for everything when he turns 19 (based on a comment from his ex speech therapist who said that boys with ASD often make a sudden jump in development around that age) and b) he cries suicide at the tiniest things - 'I can''t say up on my XBox till 5am? I'm going to kill myself', 'I can't do two days at the farm this week instead of three? I'm going to kill myself.' Though he does have bad anxiety, he's also manipulative (smirking if he manages to get a day at home if he says he's ill) and there' also the case that he may panic on the day and say he wants to come with me after all, so I can't make the booking into a single and still have to pay nearly £100 on the off-chance he'll change his mind at the eleventh hour.

And I know this makes me sound rather bitter but exDP, his DF has several foreign holidays a year, and also takes DS on a trip to Dorset most summers - which I do all the legwork of preparing him for, sitting up until the early hours sometimes trying to explain that he will almost definitely come back in one piece, and by the time exDP swans up to collect him, he's fine - fine enough to go anyway.

All I want is one weekend in Wales, my second weekend away in a decade and he's acting like I'm a terrible mother, and he's not speaking to me this morning. Yesterday he said he can' go in case he falls off a cliff, I jokingly replied 'What if I fall of a cliff?' and he said 'That's okay, I don't care about you.' It's like he wants to be persuaded when it's a week away with his DF, but he won't even try for me. I make all the sacrifices for him, and it's like he has no respect for me because of that. He heard me having a conversation about politics on the phone the other day and was actually stunned that I have more in my head than nagging him to wash, eat vegetables and go to bed before dawn!

OK, I took your opinions on board and decided to take the stress out of it all. So I told DS I will keep his place on the trip open but also arrange that he can stay with DF if he feels he can't go. That way he won't feel he doesn't have a choice. I hope he comes with me, but if not I will have a nice time anyway!

I think that is a good compromise. Although if I was you I would also put the feelers out with my friends to see if any of them would like to come.

I really hope that your trip works out well.

With the one you won, I would start researching all different transport methods. I just went on a 'megabus' a few weeks ago. It was awful but £5 to travel half the length of the country. It was going to be over £300 on the train.

That would be nice Savoy, but knowing DS he could change his mind the morning of the trip, so I wouldn't want to leave someone in the lurch! He seems incapable of thinking ahead, and I can see him panicking when the reality hits that I'm actually going. Plus he's used to me turning things down for his comfort, so I think that he thinks he can guilt trip me enough to make me cancel...

The one I won is in South Wales, and I'm in Oxfordshire. The cheapest travel I found for two people is £173 return by train. DS HATES trains! I haven't completely written it off, there may be a way around it, but there are lots of technicalities to be dealt with, like who will take care of the foster cat, etc!

If I was your friend I would understand if you told me I was on emergency standby. I would know it wasn't a personal slight if your ds decided to come at the last minute.

The price of train travel is ridiculous!