WWYD... Mobile phones and play dates

[madcows]

Our 10yo has friends who are staring to get mobiles, including smart ones with games on. When friends come round for plays they are increasingly tied to the phone, and playing games on them. We usually limit screen time but aren't sure how to handle this... Can you tell friends to put their phone away and PLAY?!

You can ask but doubt they will want to.

At their house, no.

In your house, yes.

Wouldn't dream of telling them to put phone away at their house... Just wondering about when it's at our house. Does anyone actually do this?
Somehow it seems different to telling them to switch off the computer...because it is their own phone.

I tell them. DD is 9 and her friend's parents and I have been handling this in a way which works...one parent will say "Have you got your phone? DD hasn't got hers..." and then the other parent says "Oh well then...no phones guys!" and we take them away!

If one child had a phone I would say "What's the use of being here if you're stuck on that? I'll look after it eh? Unless you want to call your mum you can always come and get it for that."

I wouldn't do that with a child of high school age by the way....but these are 9 and 10...they can bugger off.

Thanks Maureen... Part of the problem is, of course, that our son has a basic Nokia with no games. (But that is a different thread). It has only just arisen (Xmas presents!) but I think we'll need to find a way like you suggest.
Anyone else?

We got our DD a phone from TEsco which has a deal for a tenner a month you get an android phone plus minutes and txt messages. DD uses it mainly for games and also to text her friend...then sometimes if she visits her cousin or Nan...she uses it to txt me. I don't mind as she's very responsible...

Should mention the phone is free.

Bumping for the morning crowd!
Thanks Maureen. It isn't the issue of whether to get a better phone for my son (which is another issue altogether)... but its about how to deal with other people's children on their phones in my house! So far I've always said my-house-my-rules... but seems a bit trickier when its their phone!

Hi
Most of DS's (9) friends have smart phones. I don't allow them to play on them in our house. To be honest though none of them have ever asked to. Most of them are only allowed to use their phones to call home so there is no need for the phone to be out of their bag in our home.

I allow DS and his friends a fair amount of time playing on the wii when they are at ours, but if it is sunny they are outside playing football.

I dont get the need for a 9/10 year old to have a phone in the first place
But yes in ur house I would say u can limit the screen time, I know how annoying it is when u come to visit them and all they do is play with their phone

When my DCs or their friends are being anti social i just point out how long they have left "your mum will be here in half an hour, make the most of it" and encourage them to do something else.

Can't you just say "not much point coming round if you're just going to play on your phone by yourself. Why don't you two play on the wii together?" or something.

We had this problem and the child was told that unless they wanted to play, they wouldn't be invited back as they were being boring. They were told that by my daughter btw

Just no public payphones anywhere these days and my 10 yr old walks himself (with a friend) about a mile home from school now.
The phone is peace of mind for us both, alongside usual rules I have taught dcs about being out and about without an adult.

But I remember my mum teaching me how to make a reverse charge call home in case of emergency and that just wouldn't work anymore.

MY DD has a friend who's addicted to screens. At our house, I simply ask for the phone, DS, whatever, and put it away until the child leaves and then return it.

I would just ask for it at the door. If they need to make a call they can come and ask for it. Theres no point coming round if they are going to just play on their phones. How things have changed. Seems a bit sad really.

I would say something but in a nice way. Address it to both boys 'I don't want you two on your phone lots, you need to do something more interesting'

Thanks everyone for your responses. You have reassured me that it is okay to tell them to leave phones at door/in bag/ whatever. The issue of son wanting a smart phone is the next one to deal with - but not for now. I don't think I'm looking forwrad to the teenage years!

Or just announce nicely when Friend arrives that there is a house ban on playing with phones. So can everyone keep their phones in their bags

I just say "Can you put your phone away as I would hate for it to get accidentally dropped or broken?". Never had a child refuse. Yet

Personally i wouldnt be happy with a child having internet access unsupervised in my home as these smart phones tend to do- unless there is some sort of lock the parents have put on it. So i would ask that they put their phones in say the kitchen and if they wanted to use it i would stay in the kitchen (hovering about) so it was supervised. My dc is 8 and only plays games on my phone but i know his friend knows how to access youtube and searches thing he shouldnt and has showed ds.

But if they're new Christmas presents, they're new and exciting and this will wear off.
Dd2 (age 10yo) got her first phone for Christmas. She hardly was parted from it for the first week, and did indeed take it to a friend's house. The first time she went out without it, she entreated me to look after it carefully. By now she isn't too bothered, and might take it with her, but would be more interested in doing other things.

Dd1(13yo) has a friend round regularly and they do use their phones as part of their games. It is a big thing in their socialising. They'll send texts across the room for private jokes, or things they've seen. But it is only part of their friendship, and while they are using their phones they're also chatting and playing. For dd1, who can struggle socially, it is a great way of interacting, if she finds something getting difficult, she can retreat into either saying what she wants by text, or play a game and have a break without making a big thing of it.
It's also a useful way for them to be able to communicate with you as parents without their friend necessarily knowing. I have a code with dd1 that she can use (and will develop one with dd2). So if her friend wants her to stay late, and she doesn't want to, she texts me a particular word before she asks-so as far as her friend knows, she's asked and I've said no.
Also code for if her and friend can't agree on something, and I can "just happen" to come up (and offer a drink or something) and smooth it over, and other things like that.
The phone has given dd1 a lot of confidence in making friends, because she feels on an even mark with them, rather than being a tag along afterthought.

From my point of view, I'd have no problem with my dc being asked not to spend time playing on the phone. Or told "you've had long enough, go and do something else". Wouldn't mind you asking them to leave it in the bag as long as they knew that if they needed to contact me then they could. Would not want you taking it off them at the door. If that was your stance I'd rather you asked them to leave it at home before they came. It feels terribly heavy handed-like confiscating it.

I have an 11 year old - they're just starting with mobiles also.

I think you need to time-block the playdate into screen time and non-screen time, and you shouldn't feel ambivalent or badly about this - their parents would obviously appreciate it. Just say you can have the phones for 30 min, it's here on the timer, please hand them over when you hear the beep.