It's WWYD. There's a PFB, the use of the word 'playdate'... IABU obv

[unusednickname]

So DD 3.5 has been at nursery since September and we're starting to do more playdates with people we know less well and some of those people don't want to actually come along so they drop their children off here. Which is fine.

But...

I'm not keen on leaving DD with people we don't know well. Partly because she's never been left with people she doesn't know and, while I think she'd probably be OK playing, I think there might be an issue if she fell over or something and there was only a stranger there. But also because I just don't really want to leave her with strangers. I don't know these people at all. The only thing I know is that they have a child my daughter's age...

I'm happy to go and sit in someone's house and take my laptop and do a bit of work while DD plays. Or have a nice cup of coffee and chat - whichever's best.

But I have no idea how to say any of this in a text/e-mail responding to an invitation.

SO - what do I say without BU...

I don't know these people at all. The only thing I know is that they have a child my daughter's age...

^ this is the crux of the matter.

do they have a dog? older siblings?

My kids did not do play dates till they were 5/6 and then only very select few, whose parents I knew a little. It really used to make me when parents who did not do the school run and had never even clapped eyes on me, would dump their kids at our kids parties and run - one memorable one, the 5yo was dumped in the car park and not even accompanied inside!

Thanks very much for the invite. It would be lovely. The only thing is, DD doesn't like being left in a different house without me. Would it be OK if I stayed (I can bring a book if you have stuff to do).

If they say not OK then say "sorry then, DD won't be coming as she's really not happy to be left".

my eldest is 14 BTW, and I still only let her go to places where we drop her off, or have at least met the parents and exchanged mobile numbers. I also like to know if the parents are going to be there or leaving them home alone, and whether they have any dogs. some would say I am over protective. I don't think so.

Oh thank heavens I'm not the only one :) It's more than one set of parents iyswim. But then there are also lots where inviting the child is clearly inviting them. But yes was starting to think I was weird because I stayed at a party where lots of parents (not all though) went home.

And thanks teenandtween - those words will work well.

Or say that you've never left her alone before and do for your own peace of mind could you stop on for a coffee and a chat to see how things go with a view to just dropping her off in future if that goes well.

I don't think you're being PFB at all.

I think what you're after would be the norm for that age range.

(I just reckon some of the other mums have you down as a safe bet for free childcare)

phantom do you mean you would not let her go somewhere where there were dogs, or just that you want her to be forewarned? I do think at 14 you are being a bit overprotective as I didn't really know any of the parents of DDs friends at that age (and I teach in her school...). Your child, your rules, obviously, but...
OP - your DD is a bit young to be left with anyone but family/close friends I think. I'd say you and she aren't really happy to do that. Don't blame it all on her!

I always assume DS1's friends parents will come along too tho it's fine if they don't and he's 6. YANBU and I think it is the responsible thing to do. Just explain that DD likes you there.

This is not PFB, it is entirely reasonable. I like the way Teenandtween put it.

My nephews friend from nursery came round whilst his mum went to the dentist after nursery. My sister and I have both spoke to the mum and my sister and the boys mum text once or twice a week. My nephew has gone to the little boys today and my sister has gone along too so the mum's can socialise. Maybe get to know the parents first

Yes I just think if I say 'I wouldn't leave her' they could think I was saying 'and I don't think you should either'...

I think it is that they have other stuff to do frankly. Some of the DCs will be dropped off by childminders/nannies and I suppose they're thinking that an afternoon playing with a friend is better. The offer is that when I take them round there the nanny/childminder will look after DD too. But I think she's too LITTLE

I also don't want to limit her social opportunities (!) and I'm a bit worried that people won't accept invitations they can't reciprocate so maybe I will also say that I honestly don't mind having them here as I get loads done while they're upstairs pretending to be dinosaurs...

I wouldn't leave my 3 year old with people I didn't know/in houses I hadn't been to, and I am generally on the relaxed side. I haven't started doing any nursery "playdates" yet but I'd definitely expect the parents to stay.

I would have preferred to accompany my PFB but when she was 5 we had 3 younger siblings in tow...and i didn't think I could invite all of us round!! So we entertained a lot, met at parks and playgrounds and I went in for a few minutes to a few people's homes before leaving her for a brief play and returning to collect. Not ideal but was as safe and reasonable as i could make it.

My youngest dd is a similar age and there's no way she would stay without me. Wouldn't leave her anyway and I think it's normal for parents to stay at that age. Up until 5 or 6 that's fine. I would go with teenandtweens text idea.

And agree with saying "DD isn't happy to be left yet".

At 3 and a half, it would never occur to me that I wasn't invited as well for a coffee and chat.

I dont think you should leave your child with people you dont know and if they do expect that and are unhappy, then I would steer well clear of them in the future.

At 3.5 she is very young and i wouldn't have left min at that age. When mine were younger 'playdates' were mums having coffee and a chat while the children played.

phantom At age 14 i think you are being very overprotective. Young teens need to be able to have a degree of freedom and a need to be able to start taking 'calculated risks' so they can be confident as they grow older.

I would never have left any of mine alone at that age on a visit to another child's house..ever, unless they were friends of mine and the ds's knew that person.

I'm surprised people would even consider that.

I still get twitchy if ds3- 14 announces he's off to a friend's house of whom I know nothing about.

I knew I would get called overprotective . Even if I tell you that my 3rd baby died, some folk will still say I cannot use that to tether my other children and wrap them in cotton wool. And I don't. What I DO though, is try to educate them about taking responsibility/assessing risks/making wise decisions. And NO I absolutely would NOT let her go, even at 14, to the home of people who for example let their teenage DS drive his sister's mates around showing off, or who were leaving brother, sister and their respective mates home alone all weekend, or who had a pack of dogs, or even one boisterous dog (even though she loves them). My adult brother had a rescue dog that was lovely for a whole yr until one day it went for him out of the blue and he had to fend it off with a broom! It seemingly had not recognised him in his gardening hat & sunglasses. My children are not being raised by a paranoid neurotic mother , both of which I have been called on threads like this before, they are being raised to make mature sensible decisions about their own safety.

oh and before someone says it, I am not just another mad dog-hater. I grew up with dogs. Well trained ones. Lots of family members have dogs, the DC love them. Not all dogs are well trained, well behaved, like strangers....and sadly many owners are in denial about their dogs' problems/personality.

I think in some ways a 14 yr old is more at risk than a 3 yr old.You know at 3 there is going to be an adult there.You know your DC and their friends are not going to be doing drink and drugs or shagging each other's older brothers.

I have never heard of play dates for children that young where the child is dropped off and the parent doesn't stay. I wouldn't leave my 3 year old at someone's house I don't know well nor would I want someone dropping their child off and leaving them....quite strange.