I have a newish friend, a really lovely woman with a great sense of humour and genuine kindness, who is pretty and nice and generally great.
HOWEVER. Her low self esteem is really making life hard for her, and is losing her friends as well as romantic interests.
She told me she hasn't had a relationship of more than a few weeks in over a decade, and this upsets her - she has one teenage son (who she had when she was a teenager herself) but really really wants someone nice to settle down with and maybe even have another baby with.
I've seen her "in action", as it were, with two men recently who she wanted to have a relationship with.
One of them is a very close friend of mine, so I heard both sides, so I'm pretty confident I have it right. She told him (and me at first) that she just wanted no strings fun, even calling him at 3am one night, getting him round for sex. Then, after two times together, still telling him she wanted no strings, she started telling me that she thought they were an item and that she thought they were really developing something. I kept telling her she needed to speak to him instead of assuming, but she said that "all men" are scared of relationships so it was better to lie.
Second man she actually was seeing for two weeks, but she was talking about a long term future almost straight away when he is actually so young and again was looking for a fling (and made it obvious, and she had told him that was what she was looking for). She is only just getting over that now, going out to places he might be without making a huge fuss etc, two months later.
She has one night stands too, really unwise ones (I have no problem with one night stands in themselves) then spends weeks beating herself up about it. It's almost like she self sabotages - she seems to go for the worst possible option for who to sleep with.
On nights out she actually scares some of my male friends by how forward she is - stroking them and following them about etc. I've watched and they aren't giving her signals that they are enjoying it apart from the odd nervous joke.
I am pretty sure that, if a bad man wanted, he could make her go past all her own limits just to please him, she is so desperate.
She says there is no point being herself near men, because no man actually wants to settle down, or at least not one that also enjoys sex. I've tried telling her to just find someone she likes and see how it goes, but she seems to think kind of like a female "nice guy", except in reverse - ie if I give them sex then they will give me a relationship.
If I ever moan about my boyfriend, she tells me I should be grateful that I have one and just deal with anything I am moaning about.
She acts a bit the same way with friends too. I'm odd myself so I don't mind, but a few people have mentioned that she goes from 0 - intense in friendships, and starts trying to insert herself in everything, then gets really upset at any perceived rejection, which she will of course get because she is doing things like trying to organise events that have already been organised, in an effort to make friends. So she ends up losing friends by being OTT.
How on earth can I tell her to just chill out and be herself? She is so lovely when she is relaxed!