… to want MIL to call our child by the name we gave her?

[fieryelephant]

Husband’s family / cultural circle (1970s- immigrants) have an ‘Indian-language’ name and an English name. i.e. Dennis Ganesha Smith. Most (including husband) now just use their English names. We invited MIL to chose for our daughter an Indian-language middle name. She chose a nice one. But, since birth, she has only ever called her by that name. I’m expected to refer to her by it. When others use her first / English name MIL can even say ‘who?’. It bugs me. Some days I feel like it shouldn’t, some days like it should. Obviously, it's not a practical problem, since everyone else uses the first name, but that doesn’t stop me getting unduly tense about this in our daily family life.
[The first / English name was, by the way, chosen specifically to be one that MIL would like, for family reasons, and she does.]

How old is your DD? Is she old enough to chose which name she wants to use?

Is your DH irritated by this too OP? If so why isn't he tackling his mum?

YANBU IMO

YANBU
Correct mil every time she uses your DD's middle name and keep repeating her proper name.

YANBU, unless she does the.same with other family members

YANBU
Correct mil every time she uses your DD's middle name and keep repeating her proper name.

I agree, no more advice is needed.

Thanks for thoughts.
Daughter is 18months.
Husband always backs MIL...

I think this is a non issue. Loads of people go by different names, according to who they are with. As long as DD isn't confused, I don't see why her granny shouldn't have a pet name for her that is based on their shared cultural heritage.

When she's old enough, DD can chose which name she wants to be known by - it might even be her own choice and neither of her actual names.

Does she.do it with DH/other family members or is it just DD?

Tb fair the name will only be used by your mil and It will be nice for her to use the other name which would mean she is also embracing her other half.
It might be special as well for them to have that name between them.

Did she always use the Indian name at home for her own children, reserving the English name for school, official records and so on? And did her children choose to drop the Indian names gradually? In which case she is probably just doing as she has always done with everyone, and probably has no idea she is upsetting you by doing it.

By asking her to choose the name you might have inadvertently given her idea that you wished to do exactly the same with your DD. Explain gently that you'd like her to stop, but if she finds the habit hard to break it's hardly the end of the world. Loads of people go by family nicknames that don't extent to the rest of their lives so I doubt it will case your DD any great confusion or problems.

FWIW, my DM insists on calling DN 18 months 'booty girl' (like beauty but in a sickening simper)
She calls my DS by his name, but I have never heard her call DN her name and it drives me and DSis loopy. Its just one of those things you have to ignore, it could be a lot worse at least it's her name in a sense!

So you asked your MIL to choose a name for your daughter that reflects her cultural heritage, and now you're annoyed that she actually uses it?

I think YABU.

If it was said in an affectionate nickname way I would have said you were overreacting but the fact that she will say "who?" when others use her first name is bloody rude.

Politely correct her repeatedly. Start calling your MIL Bob, see how she likes it (that's is a joke by the way!)

If it bothers you I think you really do need to explain to DH why and get him in your corner.

Oh goodness this isn't an issue op. One if my dds has her proper long name, we call her one short version while my dm uses another short. My sis has a pet nick Name for her.

All if my kids have nick nanes and obviously there own names.

When your dd is older she will also get another nick babe at school, all of my kids and their friends did.

Let your mil call her what she likes. It won't matter a jot to her in the short or long term.

Why does your DH back MIL? Is it because he always defers to her? Or was he keen to for DD to have a name that reflected part of her cultural heritage?

If it is the former he needs to explain his and your choice and let her know her behaviour, especially the saying "who" is unacceptable. If it is the latter and the name choosing was not a joint decision then maybe not just MIL has an issue.

Tiny… Just with DD (only grandchild).
MadIs… As you suggest; they rejected by age 3.

Agreed pet / multiple names are a good thing. I'm not troubled for DD. It's not, as you variously say, 'an issue'.

Think i've got clear from reading you all is that it bothers me more as another symptom of MIL's 'my baby' possessiveness. So that's what i'll focus on being calm about!

I agree with Saucyjack
I suspect your DD will either grow to think that's her Gran's name for her and rather like it, or in forthright toddler tell her she want to be called her first name.

Let her choose.

My cousin was called various variations of her first and second names as a small child. Eventually she was asked what she'd like school to use. She said cute form of first name. 28 years later she is still called that and it suites her totally.

Me, I'm now simple non cute NN to everybody, but once I had a great aunt who used my full name and a Nan who used the cuter form and spelt it differently to anyone else. I miss getting cards with it on.

I went to school with a boy who had an English first name and an "Indian-language" middle name. His English relatives called him by his English name and his Indian relatives called him by his "Indian-language" name.

DS2's middle name is his great granddad's first name. DH's grandad called him "firstname-middlename" as if it was double barrelled for the first 18 months or so but he stopped without us asking in the end so there is still hope for you.

Also my DS's refused to answer to anything other than their first names when they got to about 2.5 so you may find your DD does that. My almost 3 year old just says "No, I not" every time a nickname is used and my 7 and 5 year old's have negotiated with their various relatives which nicknames they find acceptable. DS1 got the last laugh though when FIL gave him a daft nickname and he started calling FIL the same nickname. FIL is now known as "Grandad (daft name)" by all the grandchildren now, ha ha!

Are your ILs Anglo Indian or do they just have Indian middle names, I'm not entirely clear?

Have you considered calling MIL by her middle name?

I don't think the "she's honouring DD's cultural heritage" explanation is necessarily the case, especially if the ILs don't use their own Indian names. And besides, there are all manner of Indian pet names and terms of endearment MIL could use instead. It's rude of her to refuse to call DD by her first name or even acknowledge that it IS her first name.

Ellie… that's funny! and cheering.

IHaveSeenMyHat… MIL is Indian. I have previously lost the battle to call MIL anything but 'Mum'. Anything else is, she says, disrespectful.

SaucyJ etc… I like use of the Indian name, just find exclusive use a bit bothersome.

Think i've got clear from reading you all is that it bothers me more as another symptom of MIL's 'my baby' possessiveness.

I totally get that. But an over bearing Mil is an overbearing MIL- whether they're white, black, brown or yellow.

I actually think it's quite nice in itself for your DD to have an Indian name for her Indian family to use.

And at 3 yrs my DD refuses to answer to anything other than Thomas (the Tank Engine), so good luck granny!

Loved is the child of many names.

MIL and FIL both call dd a name nobody else uses. Actually, so does my Mum. And the name I use for her is different to the name DH uses for her. She's 6 and it doesn't confuse her. Hang on, her little brother calls her something else entirely too. She has a lot of names flung at her and she's never expressed any problem with it. In fact, she feels very loved which is why people have pet names for her.

I think it's normal. But then I don't mind MIL referring to the children as her babies or 'our babies' because they are ours. They're part of a whole family and I love the fact that they're so adored by their grandparents.

And I don't call dh by the name his Mum gave him. I have an affectionate nickname for him. His Mum doesn't get cross about it because it's merely how family relationships work.

It's different I suppose if a parent is refusing to use a name because they don't like it. My grandmother refused to use my first name as it wasn't bibilical, to the point where she just picked another name for me entirely and bought me things with the name written on. Completely different names. So say my name is Clothilde (it isn't), my Grandma called me Ruth instead (actually, did call me Ruth). That was rude and she stopped when I was old enough to look blankly at her and explain what my real name was. Other grandparents had other names for me but just names which developed organically from a loving relationship.

Gosh-she's got you where she wants!

Calling your daughter what she wants & making you call her mum!

I realise that using a middle name isn't that way out, but not acknowledging the first name is, isn't it?

I think you need to stand up to her tbh.