To wish I could just walk away from my life

[Edenviolet]

I would quite like to just leave my house right now and walk and walk and walk. Far away, anywhere.

Have had a massive argument with dh. Bit of background-we have four dcs with various health problems and struggle with this tremendously as they need a lot of care and have a lot of appts etc. they also get ill a lot. Dh and I also have some health issues.

My family are toxic and dh family used to 'borrow' money off him and not repay although that is sorted out now.

Our house is a complete shithole. However much I do I can't keep on top of it and when I set aside time for a proper clean and tidy dcs or me are ill and I fall further behind. This morning I couldn't even find underwear for dd2 its that messy.

Dd1 has been really ill the last few days, went to go yesterday but she woke in early hours in agony, I said to dh that she needs to see the dr again or go to a and e and he lost his temper as hates taking time off work, he made me feel absolutely shit for wanting to take dd to the dr and told me to just give her tablets or manage myself and get the bus (I don't drive) knowing full well its near impossible with the dcs to use public transport. He was horrible.

Sometimes he is wonderful, like the other night when dd2 had constant hypos all night he sat up and treated her time and time again with glucose tablets and juice so he does his fair share but to be honest we are not coping and things a just dreadful.

I'm sitting in the bedroom crying and on mn and he's downstairs waiting to take us to dd gp appt at 945am. I just don't know what to do I really just want to go, no idea where but I have this urge to just leave because I hate this house, I hate my life. I love my children but iam struggling terribly all I wanted was for dh to be supportive this morning not give me a massive guilt trip about how he will be late for work and shout at me as I can't drive.

gosh that all sounds really stressful. i'm sorry you're having such a tough time and i don't blame you for wanting to just walk away - you sound like you really need a rest. no words of advice i'm afraid but you have my sympathy. xx

(((((Hug)))))))
You sound really tired, it's hard to think straight when you're tired. looking after sick children without all the other pressures is hard enough so give yourself a break, you are allowed to feel like you do, it's perfectly reasonable.
Your desire to run away comes fear of what seems like an unsurmountable number of problems. In your shoes I would try to think of how to break it down. If you can make the pile of problems smaller, it follows that you will start to feel better, little bit by bit.
Are you able to grab a plain piece of paper & a pen & start to write a list.....I'd put learning to drive at the bottom as it's probably something that will be beneficial to you but isn't going to happen over night. Putting it on the list means you will get to it. Working backwards from there, list all the things you needs to do in order of priority.
I put dates/days on my lists ...I can then concentrate on 1 thing at a time & it stops the panicky feeling. I then know what I need to get done that day in order to slowly make things better. If illnesses crop up, the dates changes, but the order stays the same.
Hope you start to feel better

Oh my goodness, poor love!

First things first. Dry your eyes, give your face a splash of colt water and go to your GP appointment. It sounds as though the pair of you have such a lot on, so much stress, that it's all getting to be too much. You can speak to your GP about it. Speak to a Health Visitor or any support worker you may have in regard to your children? You MUST tell it like it is if you are to get some help, any help.

Years ago, as a single mum with a disabled child, I struggled alone for years, with no family, no close friends in the area and tried to put a brave face on it all. Eventually, I stood in Tesco and cried like a 5 yr old at the desperate situation I was in (husband had left a month following DS's diagnosis). A simple act of kindness at the checkout by the woman at the till opened the floodgates! I saw my GP that day who helped me enormously. I had simply told him that I didn't feel able to continue.... He believed me. I got help. Practical/financial/volunteer help.

Don't worry about tidying up. Four children! That's all I'm saying about the tidying up. If the family is toxic....walk away from them. You need support not MORE stuff to deal with! Your dh's reaction is understandable (if unhelpful) as he is massively stressed too. You both need help

Oh my darling - what a difficult situation. Please seek help but also keep talking here. There must also be organisations too that can give advice. I wish I could give more advice instead of a hug. But a hug it will have to be.

Another one saying ask for help. Go to your GP they can signpost you. One of my children is disabled and another has SEN I wouldn't manage without the support of Social Services. See if you can be referred for some support, practical in the home support, something like that.
Family fund- would you qualify for help from them- I've known them to fund driving lessons? I'm not 100% on their criteria.
You shouldn't have to feel as you do. Like another poster said I started getting support once I broke down in public and haven't looked back x

I'm sorry you're having a hard time op. I really am. Can you not ask GP or Social workers for help? I think if you have under 5's there is home help. I will try to remember what they are called and will be back to post.

You sound so sad but you also sound like a loving mother and that's what counts.

Tell your GP how much you are struggling. Tell him you need more help. Ask to be referred to services for carers. If you are caring for ill children, you are a carer and you are entitled to quite a few things. It's not enough - it's never enough - but it will make the difference between life being difficult and life being impossible. If you already receive support, call your keyworker or social worker and tell them how difficult you're finding things.

And many hugs. My eldest is disabled and it sucks and I want to run away from my life and never look back sometimes too. But there are people who will help you.

Oh dear, I've commented on a few of your previous threads before. It's really not getting better, is it?

Everytime you battle one problem, everything else gets worse. It sounds as though you've distanced yourself from your sister and mum, so that's brilliant, not looking after your sister in any way was a big step for you. Well done.

But your poor DC really do have a lot of problems and I feel for you trying to manage them all.

I'd recommend popping into the housekeeping section and joining the Fly Lady thread to get on top of the cleaning. Some really good tips, and some hand holding and guidance as you try to get on top of it. Not being able to find things just makes everything that much more stressful, when you already have so much stress on your plate already.

Very unmumsnetty ((hugs)) to you.

(I'm right, aren't I? It's you with a name change?)

Back from gp and dh has gone to work.

He did apologise for being grumpy. I honestly believe that work is his respite. He gets in, can have a coffee and go the toilet in peace then gets on with his work and it gives him that time away from stresses at home. Whenever he can't go in for any reason he loses it completely.

I am tired, it isn't helping. I am hungry all the time too so have just sat down with my breakfast as didn't have time earlier!

We had been referred for a caf assessment by early intervention team but it has now been passed to a different dept as too many issues for them to address so children with disabilities team will be involved but its all taking so long.

Yes you're right, its me again

Oh sweetheart, you sound like you are really finding things tough - and no wonder with all that going on. Please remember that you are doing A GREAT JOB in really difficult circumstances. But you are having to be so focused on everyone else that you are not able to take the time to care for yourself in the way that you need. Your desire to walk is completely natural - it's your mind and body telling you that you need to look after yourself!

I am not big on spirituality, but I read a quote from the Dalai Lama that made me smile because it was so funny and so wise. Someone asked him “How are you able to fit in daily meditation with such a busy schedule?”

The Dalai Lama smiled and replied that on normal days, he meditates for 1 hour in the morning. His smile broadening, he added that on extremely busy days, he meditates for 2 hours in the morning.

It sounds contradictory, but the wisdom of it is that when we are most under stress, we most need to spend time on our wellbeing, so that we can deal with the situation in a productive way and channel our energies into doing rather than into reacting emotionally. In your situation, this means that the key priority is your own wellbeing, because you can't cope with caring for others if you are not yourself OK. The priority is to build in some time for you into that hectic routine for you to do whatever fulfils your soul and makes you happy. The house and everything else will be easier to sort out by little incremental steps when you are feeling better.

I should add that it does sound as though you may be suffering from the start of depression. I wonder if a chat with your GP would help, not just to sort out the practical side of being a carer (as philosophicmum has wisely suggested) but to look after your own physical and mental health. Maybe book a longer 20 minute appointment so they don't hassle you out of the door the moment you arrive and you can get a chance to tell them how this situation is affecting your health.

Big hugs for you.

I thought so. Good to know things are moving, but so sorry it's going to be a long and slow process.

Do look after yourself. If you're not eating properly you just won't have the energy to deal with everything that's on your plate.

Please keep posting, I know we can't do all that much, but hopefully just being here will help.

Thankyou, it does help to post.

I am just so frustrated, with everything. Every single day at the moment is a living nightmare. We wake up tired, struggle to get dcs up, physio done, medicines given etc etc then rush the older two to school.
The house is beyond a tip, a little mess and clutter I can deal with but its awful. We try our best to neaten up and I do a load of washing or two each day but it doesn't get put away then we have washing mountain develop.

Dh tries his best but is naturally messy. Drops his jeans on the floor, changes dds pull up a few times in the night and leaves them on the floor, treats her hypos yet leaves cartons of juice everywhere and glucose tablet wrappers, chucks his dressing gown on the floor, makes breakfast but leaves the milk and cereal out and the bowls and plates everywhere etc etc so I'm running round doing more than I would if he picked up after himself but I can't complain too much as he is doing a lot.

We are both really feeling the strain now, its got to that point where we have not relationship left and spend no time together its just go go go with dcs, caring for them and keeping on top of appts and housework.

Is your DD's diabetes under control now?

I'm serious about fly lady by the way. It's a system, whereby she tells you the task for the day, it's a 15 minute task, plus a few other things you can do to get on top of things, you build it into a routine. Then just ignore the rest.

Dds diabetes has been worse than ever since Christmas.

She had days of really low blood sugars and hard to treat hypos (resulting in a hosp stay) then after a week really high sugars (despite working to same carb to insulin ratios and eating same foods as week before) then two nights ago she had constant hypos all night. We are exhausted.

I think she needs an insulin pump as it is not working out at all.

I second the recommendation for Flylady because it has helped me so much personally. She is a bit of a scary American lady (don't watch the videos, they gave me nightmares!) but despite her demeanour the system is based on a simple yet kind principle: that the house didn't get dirty in a day and can't be cleaned in a day, and it's crazy to beat yourself up about that. It focuses on making improvements in short, manageable, time-limited bursts and looking to the long term. Your DH needs to get on board with it too, because it sounds as though he's unwittingly working in a way that is creating a lot of mess, when just a few minor adjustments (like putting the cartons straight in the bin) would help no end.

Will try fly lady.

My routine is awful, I literally throw everything into toy boxes or wardrobes, Hoover and do the dishwasher and a load of washing. Try to make dcs beds if I get time each day but everywheres just got to the point where it all needs sorting properly.

I think like others have said you need to stop and take a deep breath ...
You can't do everything at once...
BTW you will be hungry because you are tired...nothing to worry about - perfectly 'normal' and will need dealing with (but wouldn't worry about that just now)
DH gets his respite at work - when do you get yours?
Can you arrange a night in a hotel? - When DH is off work ...leave at 10pm and return at 8am? - just one night...where you can have a bath and lie in bed watching tv/reading in peace and get one good nights sleep ...somewhere cheap like travelodge (they have some rooms for £21! - just need to check for the cheapest) then maybe he can have one too ...
If you can - get one booked even if it isn't for a few weeks - it is something to look forward to...
Then you already know the chaos is making your life harder ...
So you need to try and deal one thing at a time. I don't like the fly lady - but can see it works, also look at 'unfuck your habitat' - the best thing I got from that was if it takes 5 mins or less just do it ...so eg instead of repeatedly looking at that bird poo on the window and thinking I must clean that off, it is really annoying me ...but then I should do all the windows and that will take ages, haven't got time today so I'll do that tomorrow...just take 3 mins and wipe the poo off ...done - one less thing to think I must get round to ...and you have achieved something!
Only problem is I had (have) a hell of a lot of just 5 mins jobs (when I started realised I'd been doing 5 min jobs for 2 hrs!) and then you are just left with big jobs ...which can be more daunting ...
I'm still on the verge of chaos and don't have anywhere near your levels of stress (but do have a fuckwit DP - that's another story)
Deal with the washing first ... does everyone need clean clothes every day? Do you have scruffs? (Clothes worn around the house that don't need to be spotlessly clean - not really dirty or smelly but maybe dirtier than you would go out in) Are you washing too much? (Best thing that happened to me was my washing machine breaking! - it took a couple of weeks without a machine and having to trek to the laundrette to half the amount I was washing and although has increased again not to the amount it was...)
I think you probably have a washing mountain because there is nowhere to put anything ...so start clearing out drawers...get bin bags and get rid of anything you can - be vicious - start with the most overflowing one...remember clothes in the mountain are the ones being worn - ones in the drawer aren't - if that makes sense ....try not to worry about passing clothes on etc for now just get rid while you get yourself out of this mess - clothes are cheap enough now for you do that...and you probably all have so many because they aren't being processed (put away) fast enough...
DH can go off to a clothes bank tomorrow with a car full of bin bags ...and the day after and the day after if nec ... but tomorrow you will be able to find underwear - max 10 prs of pants per child is more than enough especially if you are washing daily! ...
And then start on a room...declutter ...don't drag everything out and then run out of time - (I think this is fly lady) get 3 boxes - rubbish, recycling, charity shop - put in as you go along - so if you run out of time you just move the boxes, don't end up with piles of stuff on the floor and looking worse than when you started......once you have decluttered keeping tidy/clean is much easier.
Also get your DCs to put things in certain places - shoes next to the door etc , coat on a certain hook ...
If DH is struggling to throw rubbish away - where is the bin ? can you put one near to where the rubbish is generated...no excuse not to dispose of properly? (not that there really is one anyway ...)

I think your priority needs to be 'you time' - even the prospect of it ...then you will have more energy to deal with the mess...good luck

Poor Hedgehog, it sounds as if you're bearing a really heavy load and doing your best to look after everyone. A couple of very small suggestions re the mess: can you keep just one room clean and clutter free, so you've got somewhere to go when it all gets too much? I try to do that with our bedroom, which does involve clearing up some of DH's mess. I just need to feel that sanity reigns in one small corner of the house.
Can the two older DCs take on a couple of small regular tidying/cleaning jobs in return for pocket money, despite their health problems - even if it's just putting the clean washing away? My two have been cleaning the bathroom for years now and, after an initial spot of outrage at the idea, get on with it without complaint. They actually confess that they quite enjoy it. Rather than talking to them about doing chores, I spin it as learning life skills and independence, which they like.
When the chaos gets really bad, just remember someone once said that a clean house is a sign of a wasted life. Well, you're not wasting yours; you're looking after the people you love, and what could be more important than that?

Hedgehog, that sounds awful, and I'm sending big hugs your way.

You haven't said in your post but are any of the children in school? I'm only asking because if one or even two are, you could try to get into a routine where the morning will be chaos with breakfast / beds / bags etc but once the DCs have been taken to school / nursery etc that you get some time with fewer DCs to look after. This might be a good time - and, depending on their health at that point, you could make it a bit of a game - think Mary Poppins? I remember as a very small child Mum giving me a pile of socks and telling me to "find the pairs". It's mildly educational if you have patterns but it kept me quiet for ages. Also, for the older kids, Mum used to get me to practice little chores - I used to iron pillow cases (cause they're easy) but it taught me life skills and meant Mum could be dusting and still supervise me.

You do sound like you may be heading towards a depressive state - definitely talk to your GP! If you don't want medicating, you don't have to be but they might be able to sort you out with some form of respite where you have someone come to the house / take the DCs to a playgroup once or twice a week to allow you some time. This would mean you could get on top of the housework but more importantly, have an hour or two to look after you / spend time with DH. Have a long soak in the bath and then cuddle up on the sofa etc.

I do advocate having a chat with your DH one night when the DCs are in bed. Explain how stressed and upset you are and see if you can come up with a battle plan together. E.g. you will do the midweek nighttime runs midweek when he has to get up for work if he will help more with breakfast stuff (as he is up anyway to allow you to have a little bit of space) and he will do the weekend nighttime runs but you will get the kids up so he can have a little lie in? You might find he is getting annoyed and stressed for the same reasons - untidy house, feeling stressed about kids etc - but does not realise you have this 24/7.

Hugs, OP.

The older two are at school but are off a huge amount due to various appts or being unwell.

Today dd1 is off and in bed so I couldn't take dd2 to pre school so have had a difficult day.

On a good day dd1 and ds1 are at school and dd2 has pre school in the morning so if ds2 has a nap I can get a few things done. Doesn't often work out like that though.

I have made a list for each room in my house of what I need to do to get things sorted out and written down it doesn't look so daunting. It will be a lot of work but if I can get rid of a lot of clutter we could at least find what we need everyday so I know I need to do it. I'm hoping this weekend everybody is well and then dh can look after dcs while I tidy. I know I will fell a lot better if the house is less of a mess and it will be easier to be organised.

The caf meeting about the children is in a couple of weeks so I'm going to write down a few things that I think would help us. I'd really like to be able to use the gp/hospital transport scheme.