To want things to be treated with respect

[SoBloodyFrustrated]

Name Changed, I don't know if IABU or not.

Dh and I have no children of our own, he has a DD (11) we have 50/50 care and live far too close to EX GF.

I have struggled as a step parent as I am not sure what is normal for 11 year olds and what's disrespectful behaviour.

DSD appears to have little or no respect imo for possessions or property, i.e. before I enforced a no shoes rule she would lounge around with her feet on the sofa, stand on it, slide over the arm to get on it. I enforced the rule purely because of this type of thing.

Dents in the wall from where she's opened her door hard and handle has hit the wall, scratches on new paint work from throwing her coat down and a popper caught wall. DH is not too dissimilar he put a ladder up against the wall in the newly decorated room too hard and smashed the paint, will stuff things in cupboards no real care for anything owned.

I was brought up admittedly in quite a strict house, I would never have thrown anything, I don't remember ever damaging walls or things.

There's other things but I don't know if it's regular kids stuff or just me being a grump, in general I get on very well with DSD I have been with her dad since she was very small (Not OW!) We are looking at moving into a new home a new build for a few years until DH retires and can move more into the countryside. I am concerned about damage to the new house as both he and dsd seem to show no regard for property.

We had a row today about this (and other things regarding dsd behaviour no please or thank you's) He said he would enforce new rules in the new house.

We work hard as do lots of people and although I am not precious about things I know accidents happen it's nevertheless an expensive buy and I know I will be royally pissed off to find a nice dent or scratch in a wall due to careless behaviour.

I don't see why rules can't be brought in before we buy this house, he thinks IABU I think he is. What do you think?

Two different issues, manners/rudeness and the damage to paint. The one to address is manners. The carelessness she appears to take after her father and the new build will get damaged by your DH even if your DSD never darkens the doors. Kids are like that. I'd draw the line at standing in sofas though.

Yanbu, 11 years old is old enough to show respect for items.

I think if you leave it till you are in the new house it will be too late because it could take a while for them her to get used to the new regime, during which time your new home could sustain damage. So you need to start now, although that will be harder.

You do need to sort out your dh though as she's learnt her behaviour from him, and until he starts being more careful she is not going to understand why she has to.

I have a similar problem with trying to teach the dcs to tidy up after themselves - it's an uphill struggle because dh never does.

It doesn't sound to me as if there is willful damage going on, and it sounds as if you were just unlucky with the coat popper incident.

In our house we have the following rules for children to ensure property doesn't get accidentally damaged

• shoes off in the house
• drinks / food in dining room or kitchen only
• don't throw toys / balls etc in the house
• crayons / felt tips at a table only

We expect stuff to be treated with respect as we expect it to last.

We also have door stops etc to stop door banging damaging walls.

I think 11 is still a bit young to really "get it" when it comes to respecting the sofa as your hard-earned possession. It's good that she feels so at home, no? Just use a gentle nudge approach, no need to tell her off, just a "c'mon, take your shoes off when you're on there, you know I don't like it".