to think that not all doula experiences are good?

[ClaraStahlbaum]

It just occurred to me, that every single experience I've read online (I haven't had one myself, or had friends who have had one) about people who hired a doula for birth has been positive.

Is it really like that or is it one of those things that people don't talk about when it goes wrong? Or there is nowhere to talk about it if it doesn't work out?

I have always thought they sounded like a good idea, but surely it's a bit U to think they're 100% successful at providing a good experience (whatever type of birth that may be) for the mother (and partner)?

Obviously it's unreasonable as no-one ever has a 100% success rate. And it's too subjective. One person's good experience will be another's bad.

I think on the whole Doulas are fab if that's what you want. I know many and they're all trained, a few of them are retired midwives. They're only there to support, so it depends on the birth itself anyway.

I have read on here about a few bad experiences, I'm sure, but it does seem overwhelmingly positive.

I think it is a very specific sort of character that would like a doula, IYKWIM, so they are more suited to the help a doula can provide.

I didn't use one, but I suppose it's difficult to quantify. A doula isn't your midwife or consultant, so all she can offer - and deliver on - is supporting you and advocating for you, really, rather than the guarantee of a 'good birth experience' (which obviously no one can guarantee anyway)..?

But presumably if you have someone whose sole job is to listen to you, support you, figure out exactly what you need to be comfortable and calm etc, any kind of a birth will feel more pleasant...?

santana Definitely agree with your last statement. It's more centred towards the more natural side of birth, people who are much more open to the care a doula can provide. There's a massive emphasis on birth being a natural process and to just work through it or embrace it, breathing exercise, meditation etc. I'm not putting my point across very well but I know what I mean!

You tend to choose your own doula, rather than just get whoever is allocated to you, which probably helps mothers to mainly have positive experiences. When I was looking for a doula I looked at websites to find someone whose birth philosophy largely matched my own, before arranging to meet a few and talking about what I wanted, how they could support me and so on. I chose someone who I 'clicked' with and met her a couple more times before the birth to get to know her and to clarify exactly what I wanted and needed from her. If I'd tried to work with someone who had very different ideas from me then I'm sure it wouldn't have worked out so well, but there probably would have been time to realise that before the birth.

When I say 'whoever is allocated to you' I'm contrasting with a midwife or other health professional btw, where you usually get little or know choice in who you're given.

Mine was a lousy experience - she never turned up!

My husband called her at home repeatedly and she did not believe that my labour was progressing as quickly as it did. Thank goodness my midwife was in the area. She came to my apartment and I was 8 centimetres dilated. Thank goodness the hospital is close by, otherwise I would have had a very unplanned home birth.

My postpartum doula was incredible, however. An amazing cook, sounding board and certified lactation consultant.

I had a pretty poor experience with my doula. She let me down on the day, but as a whole she was a lovely person. My birth experience was great - until she arrived. She totally killed the joy. But in general we got on, and our circles of friends merged during my pregnancy, so after the birth experience I found it impossible to mention to anyone how disappointed I was. Especially because her letting me down related to a mutual friend. Tricky situation! I have told her how I feel, but she didn't really accept she had let me down, and tried to blame me a bit. I'm even wary of writing any details on here because I don't want our friends to see and know it's me and think I'm being a bitch! I think that is one reason you won't find many bed 'reviews' so to speak - a doula tends to become your friend. It feels bitchy and backstabby to tell anyone they were poor at their job. Also - who do you tell? Your home birth group - which the doula attends? Your friends - who the doula knew first? And in my situation a lot of our friends were really positive on my behalf - "Oh x is a great doula! Gibberty had her, she was wonderful". In front of doula! Hard to say "actually - she wasn't" in front of everyone! I really want to talk about it actually. But have no idea who to!

Aah, Gibberty, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It was actually kind of this I was wondering about. It seems harder when the lines are all blurred.

I would never have a doula because personally I like to be left well alone. But I respect that some May find them a positive asset in giving birth. But if I had one my experience would have been poor because I don't like being supported during birth I like to be left alone. I would imagine there are poor reviews somewhere.

I saw no need for one as my DH is fantastic at supporting me during labour and had my mum also.

I can see a doula being an option of you really have nobody you trust to support you during and shortly after having a baby.

Gibberty, how horrid to feel so let down and powerless to express it. Doula's are effectively a professional 'friend' so when it doesn't work out I imagine there is a strong feeling of betrayal.

The lack of regulation of doulas is concerning with people feeling they have little right to reply if things do go wrong. I know of good and bad experiences but I do think in the main they are positive.

santana, do you, just wanted to pick up on your points: I had a doula for DC2's birth, partly because there was a distinct possibility that DH would need to be at home for DC1 (we had little in the way of babysitting). She was fantastic, but that's by the by; the key point I want to make is that I was never in line for a natural birth (obstetric cholestasis and PE), so we always knew that it would be a pre-term induction. But I really valued having someone else there fighting my corner, in what had the potential to become an even more medicalised procedure than it already was.

I still say that, despite it being a medical process with drips and whatnot, I would do DC2's birth all over again - it was beautiful, and my doula really contributed to that.

My doula for DD2 was great.

But it was an entirely professional relationship. Other than the 3 pre-birth meetings (one 'interview', one meeting with me, DH and an NCT leader to work out the birth plan and roles and responsibilities, and one midwife appointment at the hospital, where I had opted for midwifery only care even though I was high risk) the birth itself , and one short visit afterwards, I have not had any contact with her. I then sent her photos of DD2 on her 1st birthday, and that was it.

I think one of the issues is the the wide range of definitions of doula. I don't recognise some of the descriptions on this thread of what a doula is/ does from my personal experience.

My DH is great but a traumatic EMCS when DD1 was born had left us both shaken. Having a doula took the pressure off him. She acted as our gatekeeper and provider of practical support , leaving him to provide the emotional support. It was a great combination and I got the birth - VBAC of enormous baby!- I had hoped for.

Fish I wasn't referring to any sort of birth, just personal preferences and characteristics. I am quite a reserved person, so having someone I didn't know exceptionally well at my birth was out. I also felt comfortable enough that my midwife (and if, needed, any consultants) would be on my side. So I didn't need a doula. I can easily imagine how the opposite can be true though.

It is hard to phrase what I mean, I hope you understand.

Especially as I just contradicted myself with midwives and not knowing the person very well! I hope a general sense comes through anyway.

I had a terrible experience with a doula.

What happened Gecko? PM me if you can and want to keep it private. Did you find you could talk about it? My experience was 'not good' rather than 'terrible' and that feels bad enough. Hope you are ok.

She just tried to 'take over' my birth. It was more about her being a doula than it was about me giving birth for the first time.

she even said afterwards that she felt 'put out' that there wasn't much for her to do. I needed to be transferred to hospital to have my waters broken which would have happened about 5 hours earlier if it wasn't for her telling the midwives what they could or couldnt say to me.

then she took photos of my vagina both on my camera and her own without my permission (in fact with me specifically asking her not to beforehand) then just buggered off while i was struggling to breastfeed massively, J was born on the Thursday and we finally got a midwife to diagnose tongue tie on the Saturday at home, I had to wait til the Monday to feed him and he was actually crying every time I held him because he wanted milk, I was expressing milk over his mouth it was awful.

she phoned on the Saturday night and I told her it was tongue tie 'oh I thought it might be that at the hospital' she said. Well had she bothered to mention it (breastfeeding support was a huge part of her job as far as i was concerned and she knew this) then I could have got his tongue tie dealt with on the friday before I left the hospital.

she was unprofessional, tried to make it about her (while I was giving birth ffs) and ignored my requests and wishes.

Depending on where you found your doula, it might be worth finding out if they're on doula uk and "reporting" any unprofessional behaviour.

She was on doula uk and I did report it, I had to as I was pretty much forced to!

I got constant emails from her asking about my experience and then one from her superior!