To not tell him and just take him?

[deemented]

My poor dad. I really don't know what to do for the best. I'm of the opinion that he's in the early stages of dementia.

There's been a few incidents - him forgetting arrangements we've made, forgetting birthdays, forgetting things we've recently discussed. He's been eating out of date food - sometimes things that are still mouldy or things like meat etc. The most serious though was that I went to pick him up to take him shopping and he said that my brother was at his house, asleep in the spare bed. I thought it unusual as my brother lives 250 miles away and would have said if he were visiting, so when I went back with him, I checked and there was no one there at all. This has happened twice.

I've taken him to the doctors on several occasions about his memory, they have run blood tests which showed his iron levels were low, and the Dr gave him tablets but he won't take them.

My dad is 77, is in reasonable good health, lives on his own quite independently, though recently has stopped driving. He's of the opinion that there's no problem - he's just getting old.

The last time I took him to the Drs, they referred him to the memory clinic. They said he'd receive a letter. He did, but didn't tell me and missed his appointment. He's cancelled other doctors appointments as well. Today I rang the memory clinic and I explained how worried I was for him and they were able to tell me that he has another appointment on 23rd Jan, and the time.

Now, I know that it's very unlikely that my dad will tell me about this appointment when he gets the letter. So, my question is this - WIBU to pick him up as usual on the pretence of taking him shopping, and really take him to the memory clinic appointment, just to make sure he goes?

I'm very very worried for him, and I've seen a huge decline in him within the last six months. Maybe I'm being selfish, but he's my dad, and I love him and if he could get assessed etc then at least i'll know if I'm being silly worrying or not. WDYT?

Could you tell him that you know about the appointment, explain your concern and say you will pick.him up and take him as he doesn't drive. Would he accept this? I agree you should make sure he goes, but he might be upset at being 'tricked' into it. You really don't want to lose his trust in you.

I'm worried that if I do that then he will just point blank refuse to go. My thinking was that if we get there and he's annoyed at least I have a chance of reasoning with him to get him into the building, iyswim?

I'd pick him up and just take him. Don't tell him
Till you're there!

Even if you do that he could easily refuse to be seen when there. Although I can see why you want to do it I don't think risking upsetting him is the best way

I dont think you should take him without asking,he sounds a proud man and he would see that as you keeping something from him and going behind his back and if hes as unsettles as you describe atm it could really upset him.You are only trying to do the best for him and thats wonderful but he needs to know you will always be honest with him in every way especially if he is going to be relying on others in the future.

Sometimes when our parents are doing thing out of character, we owe it to them do the best we can and get help. Take your Dad, explain it when you get there as " you remember Dad, we are going to see Mr xxxx. He will be fine, keep it matter of fact.

I would just take him personally. Take him shopping first and call in there afterwards.

Be breezy as if you've been part of the plan all along. "I'll pick you up at 3 for the appointment tomorrow, then we'll go and have a fabulous giant cake and cuppa afterwards.." Etc. matter of fact plus some distraction.

Yes, do take him Dee. Good luck x

My dad had Alzheimer's dementia. We tried a lot of different ways of dealing with it to "help" him remember.

In the early stages we bought him a whiteboard and we'd write notes on it that he needed to remember. I'd suggest you do this, maybe a small one for the fridge, and write on it "deemented is taking me out on X at X o'clock" (btw your name is a little offensive given the situation quite honestly) I'd then call him every couple of days (or every day, or visit) and help him out more.

Help him clean out his fridge on a regular basis and take him shopping for food. Remind him of the date so he remembers the appointment is coming up.

Dad had a lucid moment once when we were helping him with an unfortunate complication. He realised he wasn't well and he was so sad about it, about us having to help him in that way, the indignity of it. As he got worse he got angrier. He got bad rapidly and mum had to put him into a care facility specialising in "high care" patients as she couldn't cope on her own (as well as working to pay the bills). She felt a lot of guilt about it, but a lot of peace as well because it WAS the right decision. He was leaving taps on, the stove on, getting lost in his own house, forgetting where the bathroom was... it was bad.

You're doing this to help him, so whatever you do that works, do it. Try and outing BEFORE the appointment to see how he handles the "surprise" (if he forgets you're coming over).

You also might want to investigate getting Powers of Attorney drawn up. it will make things a lot simpler down the line (especially if he's relatively lucid enough for an attorney to be okay with it, otherwise you may have to get doctors proof he's bad enough to need someone to help him out).

Best of luck to you. It's never easy.

He can still refuse to go in once you're there.

If you can, I would try to persuade him to let you take him - even if it is just to get you off his back. Maybe compare it to a health check? It is true that memory declines with age, but not that much. I wouldn't say the word Dementia to him, that is really scary and doesn't need to be said...it's implied.
I used to work in a memory clinic by the way so if you have any questions I might be able to help.

We went through this with my gran, it's awful . Could you tell your Dad that he needs to attend the appointment if only to prove there's nothing wrong? Just so they will stop sending new appointments out?

If he is reluctant and understandably frightened, then maybe suggest it's best to be seen incase medication might help. If your dad feels in control he might be more open to the idea of attending.

Best of luck, it sounds a very difficult position to be in. I hope your dad receives the diagnosis and care he needs.

You're not being selfish, you sound like a caring loving daughter.

I'd do as you're planning and just go, shopping first then 'oh while we're out we'll check in about that appointment you had asked for, it won't take us long'.

Good luck!

Take him. If he kicks off, just let him think he'd forgotten arranging to go.

His appointment is at 9.30am. What if I said we were going shopping, but we just had to nip to see the doctor first?

I will broach it with him. I think I have to don't I? I'm just so worried that he won't go, and selfishly, I'm under a huge amount of stress atm, and I need to know he's ok, so him not going would just add to it

Sykadelic15 - Sorry if the username offends - not intentional, but I've had it the best part of five years now, and it's just 'me'.

You're doing the right thing. I had to move my mum with dementia between care homes and told her I was taking her on holiday. Needs must.

However, I think you need to start making plans for the next stages as sadly this is only going to get worse.

I'd remind him about it next week. If he refuses to go then just take him, "reminding" him again as Olbas and kitbit suggest.

The memory clinic is really important as that's where you get your diagnosis from and the diagnosis is crucial for other things that you might need at a later stage. There is not much they can do to cure the problem - as you no doubt know - but they have some good advice.

I second the ideas about the whiteboard and the fridge clearout/shopping trips as I have done the same with my mum.

It is hard but the person is still there - he is lucky to have you. Good luck with it all.

OP - if it's your regular name it's just unfortunate given the situation then isn't it! I assumed you changed it hence finding it a tad offensive to your dad (and mine if I'm going to be honest).

I would do this:

• Call the docs office and ask them to let you know if he calls to cancel it (in case he does so in a huff) and to keep the appointment unless you call to cancel it.
• Let him know you'd like to take him to the appointment. You could tell him it's because it cold or you could also mention the "so afterwards we can go get some groceries if you like. Anything else you might need while we're out?"
• Call or visit a couple of days before the appointment to confirm the arrangements with him "So it's at 9.30 so we should leave around 9 so I'll get there about 8.30 so we can have a cuppa first, okay?" (when really it's to make sure he's up and dressed in time).
• Call him the day of the appointment when you're around the corner "Just heading out now, might be 5 or so minutes late. Didn't want you worrying/Pop the kettle on with you. I'm dying for a cuppa!" (gives him a wake-up call and time to pretend he was already up if he wasn't).

At any point he could get upset about it. If you micro-manage too much he might get annoyed. If you don't do it enough he's annoyed you didn't give more notice. Really depends on how he's been of late.

We did that with MiL. Told her it was her diabetes clinic and when she got there it was the memory clinic. It was the right thing to do, in that we got the diagnosis. However, it hasn't really changed anything as she won't take her pills...

He's had more good days then not of late, but tbh that can change quite quickly - I've noticed if his routine is upset then he can suddenly slip into a bad day.

I'm still no nearer to knowing what to do for the best. Do you think if i rang to speak to someone at the memory clinic and told them of my concerns, they might help? Or what about Age Concern?

How do i start going about getting power of attourney?

You need to go to a Lawyer to do the power of attorney.
You could try calling them, not sure what they can do but it's worth a try.

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

You can do it yourself online.

dee look on the website for the office of public guardian they have all of the forms on there.
also if you go to the ageuk website they have fact sheets on there.
it may be too late for an lpa if your dad's capacity is really poor and a deputyship may be more appropriate.
pm me if you need more info.
also if you pm me your location i may be able to point you in the direction of more local help.

Thank you so much, Jean - that's really helpful

PM sent, hobnobs