To ask my heavy drinker father who I don't get on with when he is drunk not to drink if staying at our house?

[harrietfromharrow]

I don't get on very well with my dad but he is ok when sober. The problem is that he drinks heavily from lunchtime onwards pretty much daily and by late afternoon is drunk and becomes very obnoxious and I cannot stand him (not only of the moment but also it reminds me of my childhood with a drunken father which was not fun). Additionally when drunk he tends to make un pc comments which I am not keen on dc hearing. He gets loud, leary opinionated and sometimes rude eg slagging off a very recently deceased close relative who I hold dear.

They have not stayed for ages due to assorted circumstances but will want to do so soon. Aibu to ask that if they do stay he does not drink more than one or two glasses as a condition of doing so? They can afford a hotel and have said in the past they prefer that to staying at people's houses but whether that applies now I don't know. I do have spare room space btw.

You're not unreasonable to ask, but it would seem that he might find that too hard. I think you're probably better asking them to stay at a hotel nearby and meet up in the morning before he gets going on the drink.

Nora's suggestion seems a very good one.

Maybe you could agree to meet up at a place where he has to drive, therefore (hopefully) forcing him to be sober.

He will just get dm to drive or take a cab tbh. With this level of drinker they find a way not to drive although at least he doesn't drink and drive.

Will cross fingers they suggest a hotel themselves and if not will have to pluck up the courage and since I can't think of any other reason, risk them getting annoyed about why.

How do you think he'd respond to you asking that? Might he be annoyed, say no, and be even more obnoxious? Could you just not have any alcohol in the house? Or would they bring their own??

I had a father who was obnoxious and slagged off my GM, as well as others.

Unless you have experienced this, you cannot understand how horrible it for a child.

Thankfully my Dad passed away just after my 16 th Birthday, had he of lived he would of been cut out of my life.

I also put my foot down to stop any shit my Mother thought she could inflict on my children.

Personally I think that it is time to be honest.

Your children v

Sorry, your children come before anyone, his behaviour and drinking means that he cannot be around children, you have the right to say that.

I wouldn't be bothered by the fallout, adults can choose what they are subject to, children can't.

Just wondering why you are still minimising his behaviour?

Is he "un PC", or racist/sexist/bigoted.

How are you going to explain that away to your children?

Do you have to have them to stay? It sounds like he's an alcoholic tbh so even if you asked he would not be able to do it. Can you invent a problem with the house or something?

You have every right, as an adult, to be perfectly comfortable in your own home. Your dad makes you uncomfortable so just don't lay yourself open to all that horror.

Anyone who grew up with drinks will totally understand how anxious this is making you.

I strongly suggest you write/text/email

Dad, I've decided that I cannot handle your drinking in my home and I will not let my children be subjected to what I went through.

I would like you to make your own accommodation arrangements while you are here. The children would love to see you, as would I, on the strict understanding you will not be/have been drinking. If you are happy with that proviso, please come for coffee at.. On.

This is your life now; he's pissed his away, you don't have to deal with it for one more second.

I wish you well.

You really do have the right to do exactly what Brickor just said. Hope you find the strength to do it, as it sounds like he has brainwashed you into thinking his is normal behaviour. It really isn't.

My dad 'liked a drink' as everyone used to call it. He has never stayed at any home I have rented or owned as an adult. Yes, he's been to visit but I won't have him drunk around me or my children. You didn't have a choice as a child, you do now. You're not obliged to see him you know...

I agree. He definitely shouldn't stay in your house or be there afternoons. You owe it to Dcs to ensure this doesn't happen. If they decide not to come then so be it.

My dad also drinks to excess and though is not exactly obnoxious or bigoted when drunk, he becomes v clingy and annoying. It's difficult to explain why this is such a problem but it is. I feel your pain entirely and agree you dc s should not be exposed to this.

Oh he is clingy too and I find him vile when drunk so that is a problem.

Brick, your email and the general message of it being my home is just what I needed to hear.

I definitely, definitely have not been brainwashed in any way and know it is not normal. I despise him at the moment. He lies. He slagged off my gm even at her wake.

When I said un-pc, he is quite sexist and old-fashioned and I don't like dc hearing this. Not that I like hearing it myself either. It turns into an argument as I won't tolerate his nonsense or the way he talks to my mum. If it were not for her, I'd happily cut him out of my life but unfortunately even if I did he'd lay it on so thick it would probably just be worse. Path of least resistance involves keeping in touch but not too much but having him stay is a step too far for me.

I totally agree with Brick, slight different but my DF was depressed a couple of years ago. He didn't wash in any way inc teeth brushing, at all for months. Smelt dreadful. He was coming for Christmas. I explained clearly that he could only come for Christmas if he had a bath before he arrived.
On arrival he had not bathed or brushed his teeth. So I clearly explained I would do nothing e.g cooking etc until he had a bath. He complained loudly but had a bath that day.
Sadly once your DF starts drinking he may not be able to stop. Will it make it more difficult for him to stop drinking after a couple of drinks? It's difficult, I feel for you.