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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is slightly unfair?

22 replies

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 16:21

PIL and their family live on the continent. SIL, who has a three year old and twin one year olds is fortunate to be able to rely on regular free childcare from her mother so that she can work part time. MIL also helps out on weekends so that SIL can play sport/go shopping, and she has had the kids for several weekends so that SIL and her dp can go away together.

Now I don't begrudge this at all - I think SIL is very lucky and I know that she needs a lot of help and breaks because toddler twins and a preschooler is hard work.

We have no free childcare on tap here. My mother is dead and my remaining family dislike children. We have been invited to a wedding of close friends in May, in a location five hours drive away. Our kids are not invited. We asked MIL if her and FIL could come over that weekend to look after the kids, so we can go to the wedding. MIL says it's not convenient because she's planning a weekend away with her friends that month (dates not fixed).

AIBU to think it's a bit unfair that her daughter gets so much childcare and yet when we ask, she can't ringfence one weekend for us? She said if her weekend away ends up happening on different dates, they'll try and help out, but we'd have to drive back from the wedding first thing the next morning so they could get home because FIL has a social engagement on the Monday.

I've been made to feel like I'm asking an awful lot of them. Dh doesn't like putting anyone out and says I should just go to the wedding while he stays at home with the kids. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 16:23

Oh dear that was rather long and reading it back I sound a bit petulant and childish. I guess if it's not convenient for them it's not convenient and that's that.

OP posts:

HoratiaDrelincourt · 05/01/2014 16:28

I'm assuming she and SIL live nearby? so when your DN are looked after it doesn't really put her out very much?

I think YANBU to feel sad that you don't have childcare on tap, but in the circumstances YABU to expect them to make a major journey to do you a favour.

I don't think it was U of you to ask, mind you. If they might have been coming around that time then it would have been very convenient for those dates to coincide.

sugarcoatediceberg · 05/01/2014 16:40

They sound a bit like my parents; they'll do anything for my sister, BIL and their children, but if I ask for anything, which to be fair I rarely do, then it's as if I'm asking for a massive favour and there is much huffing and lots of conditions laid down by them.

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 16:43

Yes she lives in the same town, so it's just a short drive away. It is a much bigger deal for them to come to us, yes. It was just one weekend that's all. As MIL is very willing to help out SIL all the time I guess I was just a bit surprised that they weren't more willing to help us out. But you're right; I am being U.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 05/01/2014 16:47

Do you ever invite them over to visit you just to be able to see them?

I would be a bit put out if someone asked me to get a flight to another country simply to be a babysitter.

ENormaSnob · 05/01/2014 16:47

Yanbu

ReluctantBeing · 05/01/2014 16:49

I can understand the frustration, but you are asking them to travel to another country to babysit. Yabu.

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 17:09

Yes we we usually invite them over just to visit us. This is a one-off and we suggested they make a few days of it so it's not just a babysitting trip.

OP posts:

lljkk · 05/01/2014 17:12

Why isn't your DH the one doing the asking???

I feel your pain. We've been to very few weddings since DC were born.

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 17:20

It was him who asked. But I think he did it in such a way that suggested it was my idea. He doesn't like asking for favours.

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Dollydishus · 05/01/2014 17:26

Hmm. Tricky. We have a situation like this in our family. It tends to be resolved (or not!) around who, it is perceived, has 'chosen' to live far away from everyone else.

We mostly live in one town. One part of the family have moved abroad. This is seen to be their choice and therefore 'don't moan of you don't get included in things' IYSWIM.

I think you are being a bit U. Of course they help their own daughter more if she lives nearby. Asking someone to,fly to another country to babysit is a bit much IMHO.

And they have said they'll try and help. This is just how it is when you have children, not many people get a weekend away whilst family babysit, even if they live nearby.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/01/2014 17:27

It is unfair OP.
We too were in the same position and had no time away from our children until the eldest was able to look after the youngest.
If we had an invitation we just had to decline or one of us stay at home with the dc.
I think ds1 was 13 before we went anywhere

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2014 17:27

I think it's massive ask because they're in a different country.

I think that's what you need to focus on rather than what they do for your SIL, who lives locally to them.

AmberLeaf · 05/01/2014 17:35

Distance/different continents aside, it is not unusual for one 'set' of grandkids/adult children, to get treated more favourably by grandparents than another. So although what you are asking is a big ask and they are entitled to say no, YABU for feeling put out.

It would probably be the same if you only lived further by 10 miles than your SIL.

AmberLeaf · 05/01/2014 17:35

SORRY! YANBU for feeling put out.

BrownSauceSandwich · 05/01/2014 18:08

Holy crap. You ARE asking an awful lot of them!

I'm sorry you don't have that sort of family support locally, but it's really not your parents-in-law's fault that your kids aren't on their doorstep. Grandparents providing childcare is all about goodwill. Why should they give up something they want to do because there's something on that you want to do?

WooWooOwl · 05/01/2014 18:23

YABU.

You are asking them to travel to another country to babysit for you for a weekend, which if they did would mean that your mil has to miss out on a trip with her friends that she's looking forward to.

It's not about what she does for your SIL compared to what she does for you, it's about the fact that she's already doing a trip, possibly abroad, that month.

They said they would do it if it doesn't clash with your MILs event, there's nothing more you can reasonably ask for. You going to a wedding is not more important than mil going away with her friends.

MirandaGoshawk · 05/01/2014 18:29

Can I turn this on its head and ask - if they are close friends who are getting married, can't you explain the situation & ask if your dch can come?

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/01/2014 18:33

YABVU, its a lot to ask people to travel from another country just to babysit! Its likely to be just as expensive to book childcare for the weekend so look at ways of arranging that if you both want to go as presumably you were paying their travel costs.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2014 18:35

You can't compare popping down the road to do an hour of babysitting with gqtting a flight somewhere to babysit!!!

redexpat · 05/01/2014 18:42

YANBU to ask. If it is the first time you've asked, then I think they are being a bit mean, especially if they do more than that for their other granchildren. But grandparents can choose who they look after etc.

Would it be possible to ask the couple who are getting married if it would be possible to bring the children? They might relent, you never knhow. But be prepared for the fact that they can also say no.

Original poster

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 19:28

It is the second time we've asked them for help with childcare. The last time we did this (two years ago) also for a wedding, they were very enthusiastic about it and we turned it into a week's holiday, hiring a cottage near the wedding venue. We all had a lovely time. BUT at that point they only had two grandchildren (dd and dn1) and weren't doing any regular childcare and I think the novelty of spending time with dd was greater then. We suggested the cottage thing this time, but it's in Wales and they are of the opinion it always rains there.

As regards cost of travel v paying a nanny, PIL prefer the ferry to flying, and ferry plus petrol is cheaper than a nanny for the weekend.

I don't want to ask the bride and groom if we can bring the kids as it's not fair. Their venue has limited capacity.

But, MN, I accept your verdict that I am being unreasonable! I think it just rankles a bit that we are constantly being told "poor SIL, she needs a break" and she's off on another ski trip/weekend away. But at the end of the day she's her daughter and she worries about her so fair enough.

OP posts:

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