to think i should be allowed to buy myself things without questions

[wontletmesignin]

Part rant here.

I wasnt really allowed to buy myself anything during my EA relationship, and so now that i am free i have been buying for myself. Not just for me - my kids too as i was restricted on buying for them also.
Basically, if i wanted to buy something -it would then give him reason to get something he wanted. Stuff for weed and things. Or i would be classed as wasting money and not being very good with it.

Anyway, i dont know if i am just being silly. But my dd...
If i buy something for myself - she constantly asks if she can get it too, or something similar.
Which i dont mind. But it is everything. Even if i have bought her something else. Which i have bought her a hell of a lot more than i have myself. She still expects to get whatever i get for me. Even bloody bedsheets.
Even food. It kind of feels like some kind of competition. Not on my behalf, but that is the impression i am getting.

It is actually putting me off buying things.
As she comments on every single thing i get. If i buy for one of my other dc - she will ask if she can get something since they did - even if i had already got her something.
If one gets money from elsewhere - she thinks i should give her the same amount. Even if they found it.

Aibu for letting this bother me? Is it just down the fact i have issues from my ex?

It sounds like she has issues left over from your ex.

A simple 'no' every time she asks - how old is she?

YANBU. However, I don't know what you can do to stop it.

How old is your DD? Is she old enough to understand 'if you don't appreciate what you've got, I won't buy you anything else?' Or when she wants something the same but you already bought her something instead 'if you don't appreciate it, I'll give it to one of the other dc instead' (A bit harsh maybe! Though that's the line my mum would have taken over little things eg me and my bro got a sweet each, if I moaned that I wanted the one my bro had, I'd have got no sweet!)

Or could you give her an allowance, stop buying any luxuries for her, and let her decide how to spend it? So if she wants to copy you she can, but she will have to go without something else to pay for it.

She is 10. I say no quite often. Trying tomake sure she gets it without her asking for it iykwim.

The allowance is a very good idea.

I know it is something so simple, but it is really getting to me.

I think you just need to be very firm with using "no". It's probably going to hurt quite a lot at the moment, as you are both going through something emotionally testing, but it's definitely best to nip this in the bud while she's still quite young. If you can instill self-control towards materialism in her at this age, she will likely thank you for it when she's a young woman.

Whilst clearly there are serious background issues here, it is normal for siblings to expect things to be "fair"

I have 3 DC and went shopping to buy DS a new suit. I saw a lovely dress for DD2, but nothing for DD1. We are going on a cruise in April, so the suit and dress will be useful for that.

I was expecting complaints from DD1, as she missed out, but unusually, she was happy with a promise that she would have a new dress for the cruise.

Perhaps she needs some counselling?

She sounds like a perfectly normal pre-teenage girl to me.

More's the pity.......

sounds frustrating..My Ex was like this....

My Ds though much younger...Occasionally I will got shopping and tell him it is a shopping trip for me and I am buying you nothing...

If she has been deprived of stuff she may be desperate for anything..If shopping agree if you are buying her anything what that is or give her a certain amount of money at shop when it has gone it has gone...

Does she get pocket money this could be a good way of teaching when it has gone it has gone

I will try and be more firm. The sibling fairness isnt really much of an issue, as like you it is normal. I just thought she may have outgrown it by now. She is my oldest - so not sure if they even do grow out of that side?

But when im giving a nest of tables off of my parents for my sitting room, and i buy a lamp to put on them. Then she wants a similar table for her room with my other lamp on it.
She got the lamp, but not one of the tables.
It just feels like ahhhhhhhh iykwim.

I dont know if she wants to copy - or doesnt think i should have anything!
At the samw time. I dont know if it is just me!

She is in for counselling, waiting for an appointment to come through.

No pocket money, no. I used to, but ex stopped it. I have never started it back up again. Never thought of it til yous mentioned it.

It is a brilliant idea, and can only help on lots of different angles.

Sounds like you both have some stuff hanging over from the EA - I like the allowance idea - it is a normal thing to introduce at this age and will help empower her also with it being her money.

Some kids just seem to be like that-- if they see someone else get something then they want it. It would probably drive me nuts. Sure, I'd expect it with sweets/toys and stuff like that. But when it comes to things like your bedsheets or a nest of tables gifted by your parents, those things are yours and it's none of her business what you have. As long as we're not talking about essentials, then it won't do her any harm to go without. You don't want her to go through life unsatisfied with everything she has and be constantly frustrated and jealous of what other people have.

I really have no idea how to change it. She has been this way since she was younger.
I thought it was just a sibling thing - as she got older, she started with the things i had.

My other kids arent like this.
It is just frustrating.
At christmas, i got her what she asked for. A kindle, a scooter and sequin art. Amongst other things.
She now says, she will only use her scooter for school but will use my sons around the streets, and wants a kindle fire instead. The sequin art i got for her wasnt the one she wanted either.

I know she is just being honest, but every single christmas and birthday i get the same shit.

Nothing i do is good enough for her. Its bloody draining. Her birthday is in june, she wants a kindle fire and a laptop. I told her shes got no hope and i just got all the huffs and puffs.