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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about being ignored

34 replies

Dustypeas · 05/01/2014 02:15

Not able to sleep as I feel upset about an incident today at my parent's house. I was invited over to see my aunt/uncle and cousins whom I haven't see for a while. Unfortunately ds was ill and had to leave him at home so took dd. travelled over - a trip of about 10 miles. Other guests arrived and we sat down to eat although my db and sil had not arrived. Parents hadn't put out enough chairs and so when db and sil arrived my dd and I gave up our chairs and then said we would be in sitting room. Everyone had finished but didn't come through and then we went back and said we weren't being unsociable but didn't want to stand in kitchen and then went back to sitting room. Again nobody came through and my dd started to say that she needed to go home to study as she has exams - decided to wait for another 15 mins and then as we were still alone got annoyed and went back and said we had to go as dd had to study. At this point dm got up and said they were just coming through. Too annoyed to hang around so said our goodbyes and went.
Feeling a bit petty now but think this has a bit of a history to it where I feel undermined by my family - won't go on about it here but just writing this down has helped me see why I was upset. Feeling guilty and stupid about it but I see where the roots are.
Nice just to write it down tho xx

OP posts:
HumptyDumptyBumpty · 05/01/2014 02:31

Didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Sounds petty and mean of them, not to mention rude. I'm glad you left, this isn't a kind way to treat your family. As you say, it undermines.

Hope your DS recovers soon and DD does well in her exams.

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/01/2014 02:52

If your parents and the guests who arrived after you hadn't seen each other for some time, perhaps they were just engrossed in talking to each other. Also, if any of them were the type to launch into long monologues, where everyone else just has to sit and listen, ( I know people like this!) rather than engaging in to-and-fro chat , it may have been difficult for your mother to intervene with a suggestion that everyone moved through to the sitting room.

I agree, though, that after you went through to remind them of your, and your daughter's presence, one of your parents should have ushered everyone through to the sitting room where everybody could have a seat and enjoy each other's company. After all, the whole point of the occasion was to socialise, and you and your daughter weren't being given the chance to join in. I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt and left-out.

If, as it sounds, you were left waiting for 20 -30 minutes on your own, I'm not surprised that you began to feel that it was a bit pointless to stay - after all, no-one was showing any desire for your company, and it was a humiliating position to be be put in. You decided to vote with your feet and I don't think you can be criticised for that.

I'm sure there was no deliberate intention to hurt you or leave you out of it, but no-one (brother and sister-in-law. and guests included) showed consideration for you and your daughter so, equally, nobody could blame you for leaving.

Adeleh · 05/01/2014 03:28

Poor you. YANBU. But it can sometimes be really difficult to get a word in edgeways to suggest moving. Took me about 45 mins the other day at a party to say I had to go. So maybe they were thinking of you more than you thought. They should have done much better though.

winkywinkola · 05/01/2014 05:48

You did the right thing to leave.

After the first reminder, the guests should have been ushered into the sitting room.

Why was it you who gave up your seats btw?

winkywinkola · 05/01/2014 05:49

And in future, simply leave if you're not happy. Hanging around hoping to be treated like a normal person never works.

fiverabbits · 05/01/2014 06:52

This reminds me of the visit my DH and I along with our 16 year old DS made to DH'S sister, nieces and brother who live 200 miles away. We hadn't seen them for eight years. We was there one hour and not one person spoke to our DS. Then when everyone had had a cup of tea my SIL said that they were going to play cards. I could tell that she wanted us to go and she didn't even come to the front door to see us out. Seventeen years later we haven't been again and as they don't come here we have not spoke to them again. My DS doesn't remember who they are. The rest of DH'S family are the same as well.

MidniteScribbler · 05/01/2014 08:21

Why didn't you just ask for a couple of extra seats? Or grab them yourself and take them outside. This was your own family home, why were you sitting around expecting to be waited on like royalty? Just get another chair. It doesn't seem all that hard.

Greenmug · 05/01/2014 09:16

I would have shoved my head round the door and yelled 'Oi ya ignorant gits, get your arses through here and talk to us' but I do appreciate not all families are like that.

KingRollo · 05/01/2014 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FredFredGeorge · 05/01/2014 10:01

So you gave up your seats for some new arrivals, and instead of sitting on the floor or standing or getting some more chairs and chatting to others you announced that you would be in the other room? You then went back and said "we don't want to stand in the kitchen" and left again, before getting annoyed enough to leave entirely.

Maybe everyone else wanted to stand in the kitchen, why do you dictate which room people stand in? Likely the impression you gave by leaving the group in the first place was that you didn't want to chat to them then - that you wanted some quiet time - they gave it to you.

YABU

Joysmum · 05/01/2014 10:23

You didn't want to be in the same room as them. It would have killed you to be with them for 10 mins and then say you'd like a sit down too and migrate to the other room. Doing what you did YOU were the one doing the snubbing, you then further snubbed everyone when you couldn't even stay for an extra 5 mins as everyone decided to swap to your preferred room. Very very rude on YOUR part.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 05/01/2014 10:28

What would have happened if instead of going into the other room, youd have said since there isnt enough room for everyone here, why dont we all go through to the other room so we can all chat?

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/01/2014 10:40

No, it was obvious that the OP and her daughter gave up their seats to the new arrivals because there was no room to accommodate any more people at the table - it was the polite and considerate thing to do to allow the new guests to eat. The implication of her post is that there was room for everyone to sit comfortably in the sitting room but not in the kitchen.

Why should the OP and her daughter sit on the floor in the kitchen - at a different level from everyone else - when everyone could have sat comfortably and chatted easily in the sitting room? The normal procedure would have been (and it is obvious that the OP, who knows her family situation, thinks this) for everyone to go through to the sitting room after the meal and relax there to chat. To ignore her obvious wish to be included was inconsiderate on the part of the others and made her, and her daughter, feel insignificant which was hurtful. Families are not always kind, or fair, to every member.

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/01/2014 10:44

No, it was obvious that the OP and her daughter gave up their seats to the new arrivals because there was no room to accommodate any more people at the table - it was the polite and considerate thing to do to allow the new guests to eat. The implication of her post is that there was room for everyone to sit comfortably in the sitting room but not in the kitchen.

Why should the OP and her daughter sit on the floor in the kitchen - at a different level from everyone else - when everyone could have sat comfortably and chatted easily in the sitting room? The normal procedure would have been (and it is obvious that the OP, who knows her family situation, thinks this) for everyone to go through to the sitting room after the meal and relax there to chat. To ignore her obvious wish to be included was inconsiderate on the part of the others and made her, and her daughter, feel insignificant which was hurtful. Families are not always kind, or fair, to every member.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 05/01/2014 11:03

I don't think 20 minutes is a very long time for someone to eat their food.

Couple arrive. Greet everyone, you give up seats, they are served with food. (5 mins of faffing) They then eat their food but it is most likely interspersed with conversation from other guests, which slows down the eating a little bit as they answer people / join in the conversation. (15 mins easily).

Then perhaps they really were about to move into the other room. As you kindly offered your seats up, everybody probably thought you were fine and dandy in the other room and really weren't expecting you to be sitting there fuming.

I think you're a little bit U on this one, but then if you say there is a back story or they have form for this kind of thing, perhaps it's understandable that you're a bit oversensitive.

Rhubarbgarden · 05/01/2014 11:09

Hmm. I think if no-one had followed me into the living room I would have gone back to the kitchen and asked the host if there were any spare chairs anywhere so I could stay with everyone else in the kitchen. It's a bit odd to sit sulking about it in another room. It sounds a bit petty to flounce off home because of it.

SavoyCabbage · 05/01/2014 11:12

I think yabu. Instead of removing yourself from the main gathering, another way around it should have been found. Such as the arrivals eating in the living room or the parents or someone else getting up at starting to clear up, thus freeing up some seats.

Or children, if there were any sharing a seat. I sat on a sewing box for my Christmas lunch because there were not enough chairs.

BrownSauceSandwich · 05/01/2014 11:39

OP starts by saying parents didn't put out enough chairs, which, to me, implies that there were other chairs available and room for them in the kitchen. Well, why not just a) go and get them, or b) stay where you are and let latecomers go and get them.

If I was to offer up my seats, it'd be because I didn't mind standing/sitting on worktop to chat, not to go and sulk in the other room.

Nancy66 · 05/01/2014 11:42

I think you took offence where none was intended.

sitting around the table chatting is the easiest and most relaxed thing for most people. You offered your seats to people who hadn't yet ate (nice of you) but you didn't have to leave the room. I suspect that while it's you thinking the others were rude they were prob thinking the very same of you.

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/01/2014 11:53

I'm with you, OP!

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/01/2014 12:04

I'm with you, OP!

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/01/2014 12:07

Sorry about the double posts! (It's not because I'm outnumbered, honest ...)

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 05/01/2014 12:13

I'm also with you OP

Bettercallsaul1 not quite so outnumbered now Smile

Lweji · 05/01/2014 12:17

How on earth did they invite all those people in and didn't have enough chairs?
They should be the ones to get up and eat in the lounge.

Next time, ask if there are enough seats. If not, don't go, don't get up or leave immediately. They'll get the message. The more accommodating you are the worst people like this behave.

And they were incredibly rude to you in not joining in after finishing the meal.

BillyBanter · 05/01/2014 12:24

It rather depends on the info you are not telling us.

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