DH and I locking horns over big family gatherings

[sushidave]

I’m just back from the final family visit of a lengthy Xmas period and am exhausted. Between Xmas Eve and today, we’ve travelled all over the country to spend time with DH’s family, my family, seeing friends for New Year, and then unfortunately for DH’s Nan’s funeral. All with 12mo DD, hence extra knackered due to her early waking.

When we get together with DH’s family it’s always a big event with around 10 people staying at MILs’ place, and we usually stay for 2 nights. I’m quite introverted so whilst I can do these events, they leave me feeling drained and like I’ve been performing for days at a time, with no escape to recharge. They live around a 3 hr drive from ours, but a hotel stay would not go down well. MIL and I get on OK but are fundamentally different so it always feels like a bit of an effort.

I’m craving a Xmas where we don’t have to travel everywhere and frankly, one with fewer people to see. I realise this is pretty selfish as now we have DD who everyone wants to see (and who I would like to form good relationships with relatives). Crucially, DH needs a big family fix quite often since they are very close, and he’s quite extroverted. We see MIL and FIL separately once a month each when they come and look after DD.

I guess I’m asking whether I’m BU to ask for a different way of doing Xmas. More constructively, any suggestions if anyone can suggest ways of managing family events which would mean both DH and I stay sane. The next gathering is an engagement party in 3 weeks when we’ll pack up and hit the road again..

How about alternating Christmases? That's what we do - I like the big family ones, DP likes to stay at home so we alternate what we do.

Do you need to go to every one of his big family events? Could he go to some without you?

Of course you're not BU.

Get your request in now. Suggest a visit to the ILs in November. Perhaps you could even suggest an early Christmas day?

But there's no reason you should have to do this every year.

Could you ask for family to come and see you next Christmas?

Stay at home and if people want to see you, they have to come to you?
Alternate?
Everyone go to his parents so you see everyone in one go? (This is what we usually do - MIL comes to my parents.)

No your not, after a marathon DH family Christmas, I've made DH promise we will go away next year.

It is hard work and I'm preforming too, only every fucker descended on our house. People that were away for Christmas day arranging to meet up at my home at 8 o clock at night when my dd2 was in bed and dh and myself are in our pyjamas.

Never again, this year was a piss take

YANBU.

DH agrees with me and we are researching holidays for next Christmas, so we can escape!

Are you me? :)

We saw ALL of dh's family over Christmas. 15 on Christmas Day, rising to 20 on Boxing Day!!!

I'm an introvert. They are not. Dh is the least extrovert of the bunch and even he finds them exhausting.
We are the only ones with dc and they have no idea (either through forgetting what dc are like or none of their own). I'm constantly having to keep an eye on my dc, before they get into trouble or someone winds them up to hysterical levels then sits back and watches the chaos! Which I then have to fix.
My family aren't perfect but there are far less of them which makes it easier. (And they're all introverts so less chaotic iyswim)

I am SO tempted to say NO family at all next year.

Well next year you will have a two year old so it will be the perfect "get out" for you. I think you will find it much easier to stay at home and have people come to you

I think it's important to remember that just because everyone wants to see dd doesn't mean you have to fit in with them even if you hate it.

God it's good to hear I'm not the only one. We've opted out in recent years: buggered off on holiday for Xmas two years ago (which was BLISS) then last year DD was in SCBU so massive family socialising was due this year. Thanks for the suggestions; rotating through DH's family, my family then one at home might be the way to go. Certainly not both sides in the same week. And Turnip, thanks for the assertiveness nudge

Starfish, what is it about 2-yr-olds which makes being away from home particularly hard? We've managed pretty well until now so am curious about what might change. Is it the journey or other aspects of being away from home? Aside from curiosity, I need as much justifying ammo as I can get for my proposal to stay at home next year

Definitely alternate. We do one Christmas with my family, next with his, but if you can get away with it, it would be equally fair to do one year with in-laws, next on your own.

Arhhhh you find out about 2 year old .
But mostly it is because the are mobile and vocal and becoming forceful in what they want.
And
Tantrums !

yes, also because 2 year olds' behaviour (not to mention eating, sleeping etc) often deteriorates when they're out of their normal routine and familiar places.
Having said that, it never stopped us doing what we wanted to, but it is one factor that makes going away extra knackering.

Whatever you do, it's important NOT to get into a routine - there will then always be an expectation that Christmas is spent in a certain way. An expectation becomes a chore and therefore not as enjoyable.

You will get this even if you alternate!
We have never spent Christmas with DP's family en masse.

We have had his dad over a couple of times but usually we arrange a big trip down to see the lot of them the weekend before Christmas. Christmas is then at home, just us or us and my dad. Calm, peaceful, relaxing.
DP agrees which is lucky!!
Having said all that, I think you will find it easier as DD gets older and it might actually work out that DH's relatives can do more of the childcare while you use the opportunity to go out together for an evening or two.