Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want anything to do with old friend, ever again?

26 replies

maparole · 03/01/2014 22:58

I have(had) a longstanding friend. He is a very sweet, kind, rather desperate man and also, very sadly, an entrenched alcoholic.

I have recently separated from my husband. During our married life, we lived in a great old rambling house in the middle of nowhere and now and again this friend would come and stay for a bit in an attempt to sort himself out. He would usually turn up incoherent and looking like a tramp, spend a couple of days wandering about with the shakes, then start to come round/dry out and spend another two or three weeks helping us out with the endless works on the house. He was always considerate and polite no matter how bad a state he was in, and we genuinely appreciated his help, so it worked all round. In fact, he even lent us a very significant sum of money one time, for which I am extremely grateful.

However, the last time he came to us (three years ago) was a sort of reverse process: he arrived fairly compos mentis but then took to his bed drunk for the next two weeks, hardly showing his face at all. His behaviour was disgusting and it ended with him refusing to leave when asked and us having to manhandle him into our car to take him to his son's house. My then 7-year-old ds witnessed some of this.

I have not spoken to him since. Now that I am separated, I have started to move in some of my old social circles and am coming under pressure to reconcile with him. I have two humungous problems with this: a) he has never actually phoned or written to me to apologise; b) he has never acknowledged his alcoholism, but continues to make excuses and minimalise it [I know this because ex re-established contact quite soon after the event].

Am I being a cow?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 03/01/2014 23:02

He hasn't aplogised, he has bevar acknowledged his alcaholism.

No brainer, until he does, you cannot forgive him!

Pawprint · 03/01/2014 23:02

You are not being a cow. He sounds like he is very unwell with alcoholism, but you have helped him as much as you can and you can do no more.

You have to look after yourself and your son.

MammaTJ · 03/01/2014 23:02

never* not bevar!

nevergoogle · 03/01/2014 23:05

where is the pressure to reconcile coming from? him?

Scarletohello · 03/01/2014 23:06

I think if someone is an alcoholic they are in the grip of a terrible addiction and aren't really in control of their actions. I think life is too short to bear a grudge but it depends how much you value his friendship. Could you write him a letter?

Shakey1500 · 03/01/2014 23:09

If you feel you've reached the end of your tether then there's nothing to be done.

I do understand. I also have a very longstanding friend who is a chronic alcoholic. I can't tell you the amount of times I've had to trawl the pubs looking for him and take him to hospital. He has also been disrespectful in my home. However, he literally has no-one else and I am obliged as his friend to try my best to support him. It's been very hard but I have always felt that if I gave up, then he would be done for. Touch wood, this last year he seems to have turned a corner. But past history dictates that this can be easily reversed.

Original poster
maparole · 03/01/2014 23:17

nevergoogle: it's just that we have mutual friends and avoiding him is becoming awkward. I have never told the whole horror story of his last visit to anyone, so I think I am being seen as unsympathetic and cold.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 03/01/2014 23:22

Could you acknowledge but remain distant? Is it possible he hasn't apologised because he can't actually recall the episode? I'm absolutely NOT minimising what he may have done btw.

nevergoogle · 03/01/2014 23:27

If you really don't want to ever be in this man's company then say so to your friends. You don't have to go into the details either.

Or, why not see how it goes. He may well take the opportunity to apologise. He may not, like Shakey1500 says, he might not really remember what happened so doesn't know what all the fuss is about. But you would know if he made you feel uncomfortable and could then make the decision to avoid him and ask for your friend's in understanding this.

LittleDoris · 03/01/2014 23:32

His behaviour was disgusting and it ended with him refusing to leave when asked and us having to manhandle him into our car to take him to his son's house.

So you were ok with his alcoholism when it worked out for you and you got free labour in your house, but when your friend needed you, you manhandled him out of your house?

God. I am sure its bloody hard, and I am sure you didn't like your DS seeing that, but didn't your DS see him arriving like this the other times? Why is it this one time that it becomes unacceptable?

YABU.

ashtrayheart · 03/01/2014 23:37

Did you pay him back the money?

Shakey1500 · 03/01/2014 23:37

To be fair Little Doris we don't know what the incident was. It may have superseded any exchange of favours for odd jobs versus lodgings.

My friend stayed for a week and absolutely saturated the spare bed with piss and never told me. I only discovered it after he'd left and I stripped the bed I thought that was unforgivable at the time.

LittleDoris · 03/01/2014 23:41

Maybe it was utterly terrible. But it must have been a corker to supersede a friend who has helped loads with your house and lent you money.

It sounds like a very one way friendship.

Original poster
maparole · 03/01/2014 23:47

So you were ok with his alcoholism when it worked out for you and you got free labour in your house, but when your friend needed you, you manhandled him out of your house?

Eh? What a weird interpretation!
I think you have missed the point: every time he came to us, he was seeking refuge, and we always welcomed him because we are both extremely fond of him. He helped out when sober as a thank you and because being active was better for him, but we never expected it.

I shall not go into everything that happened during his last visit, but as far as I was concerned it was beyond the pale.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 03/01/2014 23:50

Well I guess you either

  1. Avoid all gatherings where he might be present (difficult)
  2. Brazen it out and see what occurs, play it by ear, make a decision afterwards

I think 2 is better.

LittleDoris · 03/01/2014 23:50

I shall not go into everything that happened during his last visit, but as far as I was concerned it was beyond the pale.

There really was no point in you asking AIBU then.

If you really need validation from a forum about whether you are right or not, I would suggest you already know the answer.

Shakey1500 · 04/01/2014 00:00

I agree with LittleDoris on the first part. It's nigh on impossible to answer without knowing but if it's unforgivable for you then it then avoiding is the only option for you. You'll just have to explain to mutual friends that you have valid reasons which you don't wish to disclose.

sparklysilversequins · 04/01/2014 00:14

Tbh the alcoholic I have known never remembers his behaviour so in his eyes if he can't remember then it didn't happen, which is awful for the person who has been hurt but it's pointless waiting for a real apology. The alcoholic only cares about himself and drinking, that's the trap he is in right now, his own children mean less to him than alcohol so all you can do is protect yourself from further ill treatment.

pigletmania · 04/01/2014 00:29

Yanbu, did you pay back the money? You were very good helping him, and out up with a lot, you reach a certain point where you have had enough, and the last incident went to the point of no return, especially when you say he did some disgusting things.

C3P0 · 04/01/2014 00:44

If it was just avoiding a repeat, that's understandable. But avoiding him generally is perhaps unfair - especially as he may not remember the incident. However, the guy clearly needs professional help. His GP can help with medication to reduce cravings and counselling to help manage his Addiction. Solving the underlying problem is more important. Perhaps setting a zero drink rule when you're with him would help? You can maybe continue to help him, if he doesn't drink around you. Remember, it can be dangerous for alcoholics to suddenly stop drinking, though - so do check with the GP first.

Original poster
maparole · 04/01/2014 07:48

The money is totally irrelevant, but yes, it was paid back within a short time and well before the last visit.

Thanks for those who have pointed out that I do not need to stick to my "all or nothing" position; it hadn't really occurred to me that I could be polite but distant instead of totally avoiding him.

C3PO: yes, of course he needs proper help, but as he won't accept he is an alcoholic, there is nothing anyone else can do Sad

OP posts:
springysofa · 04/01/2014 10:37

He's an alcoholic! He's in the vice-like grip of it, and denial comes with that - if he acknowledged he was an alcoholic he'd do something about it.

Booze is his first love, before anything and everyone else: it comes first, he will protect it to the hilt, it is his all and everything. He stepped up his addiction - or, rather, you saw the extent of his addiction - the last time he stayed. Perhaps you had been so tolerant and understanding that he felt you loved and understood his beloved booze in the same way he does. So you saw his addiction in the raw - he'd been hiding the true extent before that.

Perhaps he hasn't apologised because he doesn't remember - not that that is an excuse. Even if he does remember, he'll probably think it's excusable. You don't want his addiction in your life and that's fine, why should you? He may adore it to his boots but you don't.

Your friends will eventually see the full extent of his addiction in due course. 'Supporting' an alcoholic is called enabling and doesn't ultimately help the addict to find a place to recovery.

springysofa · 04/01/2014 10:39

*he will probably think it's excusable or may be ashamed

CoffeeTea103 · 04/01/2014 15:13

I agree with littledorris. You were fond of this person long enough to take him into your home knowing his addiction. Whatever occurred, if it was truly unforgivable then you would have no doubt in your mind cutting ties. What exactly is it you are hoping to find out on mn?

LaGuardia · 04/01/2014 16:50

He sounds like a good friend who has a terrible addiction. He was there for you in the past. I don't think you can just drop him because he doesn't suit your lifestyle anymore.

Swipe left for the next trending thread