To stop giving a lift to school

[pinksancerre]

Please go gentle with me. First toe dipping into aibu!

Dd is in year 10. She doesn't go to local school but one in the next town.(about 5 miles away) I take her and my ds every morning and they get the bus home. In September dd's best friend who she met at primary moved from the local school to dd's school for various reasons. Her mum rang me before the decision was made to apply to ask if I could take her each morning, I said fine, as long as I was going, ie dc aren't sick or absent etc.

Anyway, this friend starting has caused my dd chaos. Lots of friend traumas and loyalty issues. In fact the girl that bullies my dd has deliberately targeted the best friend to befriend to cause problems. Dd always ends up apologising and saying sorry to keep the peace (although dd not entirely blameless for some stuff) but I am getting more and more pissed off with the difficulties this is causing!

So aibu to say I am not giving a lift anymore. The alternative for the friend is the early bus with financial implication for the family. Don't know if they can afford.

Speak to parent. If it can't be resolved, drop the lift it. Their finances are not you problem.

Your child is the priority.

How awkward. But I would do the right thing by your DD.

HOw dare they make a school application based on you giving her a lift.

Madness.

Call the mum, explain the situation. Don't exactly give her an ultimatum but suggest tactfully that her DDs behaviour needs to improve. Give it another couple of weeks, if the situation is the same then cease the lifts.

Be aware though, that if this girl gets grief from her parents for the extra financial implication, she may fall out with your dd.

Surely it is the ideal opportunity on the school run to discuss the issues and shame her into sorting out her behaviour!

Ack...let this be a lesson in never agreeing to regular lifts for anyone. You are bloody held to it.

Yanbu...what a pita.

If the friend is clearly to blame for the issues your dd has been having then YANBU to drop the lifts.

Teenagers do go through a certain amount of crap as a rite of passage though, so unless the friend is doing something wrong that she has the power to change, I wouldn't want to lose contact with her completely.

1. stop the lift and be prepared to tell the mother exactly why
2. tell the school about any and all bullying/nastiness and make sure they do deal with it

their finacnes /inconveniences are not your problem

I had similar in that I take my elder son's x-best friend and his older sister every day with my own two. They can take public transport but it is a pain and expensive and still involves two long walks.

They weren't so much causing bother for my son, but they were being rude and a bit cheeky and saying things that were not the best for my son's self confidence.

In the end, I said to their mum that I was thinking of stopping taking them but I'd try it for a wee while longer, expecting her to ask if there was any specific problem, she didn't, but i think she must have spoken to them instead and they have been a dream since.......they were basically taking the lift for granted and when the prospect of having it disappear loomed, they cut the crap.

It might work for you?

But what would you actually achieve for your DD by not giving the friend a lift? She'd still be at the school, the bully would still be there - the school friendship issues are your problem, not the lifts. A 5 mile trip in the same car with a parent listening to any conversation is not going to make or break the situation - you won't change anything by dropping the lifts alone.

Go in and talk to a pastoral person at the school. See what they can do to resolve things.

Dd best friend is engaging in lots of risk taking behaviour. ( her mum is an alcoholic and this is a trigger) She smokes, drinks and is sexually promiscuous. She is 14. She was recently seen by camhs for self harming and low mood. But she does treat my dd like shit, leans on her when she needs to and blames her when things go wrong. The latest falling out was yesterday. I get a panicked phone call from my daughter at work asking me to call her best friend who was in a state needing the morning after pill. My dd told someone in confidence who spread it (yes dd was wrong to tell someone but didn't know what to do) she scapegoats my dd all the time!

I have sorted things previously in the car, but it just gets wearing! And it feels like the lift forces them to be friends when maybe they are growing apart

Maybe if she had to get the bus she would have less cash for drink and fags and would be too knackered to be carrying on with boys.

Ha ha, good idea soontobe!

Thanks for the advice. Will be calling the mum tomorrow

Your DD is your priority - I think you need to raise the bullying issues with the school, but flagging this up with the mother along with the possibility of losing the lift may help.

That said, you are still lumbered with the commitment of taking another child along with you, like it or not.