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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to confiscate both of my children's phones and the laptop

27 replies

17leftfeet · 03/01/2014 16:01

One of them is lying to me

The screensaver on the laptop has been changed and is inappropriate

I've asked them both if if was them, one denied it and burst into tears, the other shrugged and said 'wasn't me'

Could have been either

I hate being lied to

OP posts:

mrsjay · 03/01/2014 16:03

confiscated the internet and take phones off them It used to drive me insane when nobody owned up to whatever happened my 2 used to gang up all the time so they both got punished , what was the picture do they both play on the laptop ?

Writerwannabe83 · 03/01/2014 16:04

I'm guessing the one who cried is the guilty party.....

ExcuseTypos · 03/01/2014 16:04

What do you mean by 'inappropriate' and how old are they?

Writerwannabe83 · 03/01/2014 16:04

They aren't ganging up or protecting each other. One is lying and one is telling the truth.

trashcanjunkie · 03/01/2014 16:05

I would suspect the crier seriously though, I wouldn't make a big deal of the 'someone is lying' thing.... ime it leads to pointless battles. Just change it back and tell 'the room' that if it happens again you will confiscate. Out of interest what was the screen-saver? Are your dcs boys or girls, and ages?

livinginawinterwonderland · 03/01/2014 16:06

I'd guess the one who cried is the one who did it.

trashcanjunkie · 03/01/2014 16:07

oh and I think phones and laptops is overkill. Warning first, then laptop if repeated.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 03/01/2014 16:12

I would normally think the crier but the 13 year old has mastered the art of bare faced lying recently and I would have expected her to kick up a stink about her phone

Youngest is 10

The screensaver was fairly obvious oral sex innuendo with an adventure time picture

they have both been on the laptop so it could be either

If it was the older one she will know what that means but needs to understand her little sister doesn't need to see that
If its the younger one she needs to understand that if she doesn't understand it then she shouldn't put it on there

OP posts:

Madambossyboots · 03/01/2014 16:12

Give them both their own user account then you see exactly who did what and when.
I wouldn't conviscate for a first offence personally however depends on content age of children. Furthermore set up good internet protection so the screensaver cannot be applied in the first place.

ExcuseTypos · 03/01/2014 16:15

I thought you were going to say they'd posted a picture of something pretty innocent. I'd be really angry at what they've done and I think you should confiscate phones and laptop until someone owns up.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/01/2014 16:18

I've changed my mind - I'm guessing the older child is the culprit.

FWIW - when my and my sister were growing up she was naughtier than me, always doing things that she knew she'd get into trouble for, but of course our parents would never know who had done it. She would lie and day she hadn't, I'd tell the truth and say I hadn't. For some reason our parents took that to mean we were 'in it together' - when really my sister had no issue with doing stupid stuff and lying about it. We were ultimately both punished and it caused a lot of resentment from me towards my sister. It wasn't fair that I was constantly being punished for things she did. Seeing me being punished wasn't enough to make her confess. I think my parents hoped that the guilty party would indeed feel bad about the other sibling also being punished and tell the truth, but in reality that just doesn't happen. I actually started to hate my sister for it. I know it is a very difficult situation when you have no way of knowing who the actual culprit is but sometimes blanket punishment to all suspects can cause it's own issues.

YouTheCat · 03/01/2014 16:18

I'd say it was the older one.

Madambossyboots · 03/01/2014 16:18

Op just seen your post regarding content. Don't want to appear uppity, however I would be having stern words with my children about this type of content and how it is not acceptable given their age, unless you have done already. Then ignoring your wishes should have consequences as you see fit.

Danann · 03/01/2014 16:19

Depends on how inappropriate the picture is, slightly inappropriate (i.e scantily clad girl, mild swearing) I'd just change it back and make sure they understand why. Really inappropriate and I'd confiscate the laptop til someone owned up, taking phones isn't fair on whichever one is telling the truth imo.

MrsBennetsEldest · 03/01/2014 16:20

Just change the screensaver and leave it at that. I would use the words disappointed and let down.

trashcanjunkie · 03/01/2014 16:22

I rally don't advise forcing them to own up. IT RARELY WORKS! You are entering into the arena of a battle which they can escalate and you never actually win - even if they eventually own up, it teaches them nothing. Your energies are much better served by taking control of the situation. What's happened has happened. The 'liar' knows what they did. Make the repeat situation impossible - madambossyboots is spot on - give them their own accounts and passwords to access the laptop, and move forwards. The 13 year old will stop barefaced lying if she has no opportunity to do so. I cannot stress this enough, and I am speaking from massive experience. You hold all the cards as the grown up, but when you enter a battle of wills like this, you are simply throwing your power and energy down the drain.

trashcanjunkie · 03/01/2014 16:22

*really... not rally!

trashcanjunkie · 03/01/2014 16:23

and they may well have been in cohoots

Original poster

17leftfeet · 03/01/2014 16:29

Problem I have is that they are both so much better at technology than me -sob!

OP posts:

NoComet · 03/01/2014 16:32

As it was a grade A stupid thing to do and the culprit will realise it was too rude to be seen as a joke, neither will own up.

Firm lecture to both of them making it clear you will withdraw laptop/wifi password from both of them for any repeat.

You can try separate accounts, but chances are older one will watch younger one typing in their password with in a week (or they'll want to use each others game progress).

ContentedSidewinder · 03/01/2014 16:42

I would agree to punishing both, but I would set them up on different users. If you need help, post in the Geeky stuff section [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/geeky_stuff here] on MN.

I am lucky that DH is in IT, but it is like he says all the time, we are all expected to know stuff about computers, but if your car starts playing up then you take it to a garage.

Both of my sons have their own laptops, they are in their playroom on a desk. But the laptop is completely locked down, they can only access certain websites (school, CBBC, etc) and they can't surf the web.

We can see everything they do and if they wish to access something other than permitted then it asks them to get a parent where I can enter a password to allow them onto stuff. Sometimes Mathletics does this. But it will only allow it once. They are 10 and 7 though.

trashcanjunkie · 03/01/2014 16:46

Well educate yourself woman! Seize the power an' all that

jacks365 · 03/01/2014 16:46

We had an issue at school several years ago where one of the boys put a rude message as the screen saver on all the laptops and the solution to stop it being done again was to password protect any setting changes rather than set up separate profiles. I'm currently on my phone when I can access my laptop later I'll double check how to do ut and post the details.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 03/01/2014 18:07

Youngest confessed

OP posts:

sykadelic15 · 03/01/2014 18:12

Did youngest know what it meant? Or were they just playing around with how to change the screensaver or did it accidentally?

Either way, setting up logins is still a good idea. You can restrict age appropriate stuff that way.

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