To be frustrated with my friend's depression and not know how to help?

[Topaz25]

A friend of mine has been depressed since school and it's got worse. I am depressed too but I have had CBT and I'm seeing a mental health social worker and doing a lot of exercise, which helps and I think I can see the light and I'm slowly coming out the other side, I'm trying to think positive.

My friend was on medication but she moved a year ago and didn't register with a new GP so can't get medication. Her other friends and I have encouraged her to register with a doctor and offered to go with her but she won't. She expresses interest in exercise and I've offered to go for walks with her but she hasn't followed through.

She is very negative and makes horrible comments about herself, for example, we had a lovely time on New Year's Eve but when I posted the photos on Facebook (with her permission) she commented “LOL I look like a dopey fat bitch”. I don't know how to react, I thought it was really sad she said that rather than focusing on the good time we had. She also recently posted a status update calling herself fugly, which is one of many negative status updates. She is a larger lady but she's beautiful and it breaks my heart that she can't see that. She is a lovely person and would never say such hurtful things about another human being. I know what it's like to have low self esteem but she doesn't understand that constantly repeating these negative thoughts is creating a vicious cycle and making her depression worse. I don't know what to do, there's only so many times I can say, “no you're not ugly” or “please go the doctor” when she's not listening to me!

She needs to go to the doctors, get medication and/or counselling and get some exercise. I know it's difficult to take these first steps but until she does nothing will ever change! On an unselfish level, I'm extremely worried about her. On a selfish level, the negativity isn't really helping my recovery. I'd appreciate any advice on how to get through to her or help her.

Lead by example...

Ditto Geckos48's comment.

Obviously YANBU to be worried about your friend. There is a mental health section where you might get more specific ideas than you will on AIBU. Lots of people on there who have been though depression and may have some insight.

I sympathise that it is exhausting supporting people who are constantly negative about themselves. I think my only advice would be that to support her you need to keep an emotionally healthy distance. She is a friend. You care and will support her in any practical way if she wants help. But you cannot make her feel better about herself. The advice you have given her is good. If she does not act on it (or at least not right now) you have still done all the right things. The choice to act is hers not yours.

In what way?

Sorry crossposted with PenelopePipPop. Thank you, that was very helpful. I posted on AIBU because I felt that maybe I was being a bit U for being frustrated with her but it's only because I am worried. I will check out the mental health section.

Yanbu, of course, but, as you know yourself, the problem with depression is that you can't, usually, lift yourself out of it, and the most small and banal activities like registering with a GP or going for a walk are impossible. You've clearly done very, very well to fight yours and start to make progress, but can you not remember how you felt when your depression was at its height and you were absolutely paralysed?

I remember one depressive episode when I would sit on my bed and cry because walking down the hall to the bathroom to clean my teeth felt absolutely impossible, as if I was being asked to trek to the Antarctic.

I agree that you shouldn't do anything that compromises your own recovery, and that you are doing all anyone could. But try to use your own experience to be compassionate too.

Have you suggested actually accompanying her to the GP, or sitting with her while she arranges the appointment on the phone? It sounds infantilising, but I think when I was very depressed I needed someone to actually be there to help me do basic things...

YANBU to feel frustrated, it is very draining trying to support someone who has depression, especially when they won't do anything to help themselves.

You need to put yourself first and if this friendship is taking more from you than you can safely give, you either need to start managing it really well, such as by only having contact in group situations and when you are feeling good, or you have to distance yourself.

If you can show this person how far you have come, she will make the connections herself, she might start asking you about treatments you have found beneficial or other things.

Simple things like

'I look really fat LOL'

'I think you look great X'

really help and slowly build people up, it doesnt have to be instantly accepted to actually start making a dent.

It sounds like she really needs a friend and hopefully you feel you can be that for her. If not please just slip out of seeing her lots, telling her how you feel will only make her more self conscious and more insecure...

It may just be too much effort for someone in the deep fug of depression to sort out a GP, could you help her to do it, rather than just telling her she needs to?

I do remember being paralysed by depression but I still had to take steps towards getting better or I wouldn't be where I am now. As I said, I appreciate it is difficult to take those first steps but if she doesn't then nothing will ever change and that worries me. Good point about accompanying her to the GP or helping her arrange an appointment, I will try that but I know other people have suggested it and she hasn't taken them up on it. I don't want to push too hard or tread on her toes but maybe I do need to be more proactive.

I think you are justified in being very concerned.
Is there any sort of helpline which could give you advice ?
I would maybe think of a different reason why she needs to register with a gp rather than her depression.

Good point, there are other reasons it could be helpful to register with a GP, I'll try to approach it from that angle. I don't want to make her feel bad.