WIBU to ask DP to refuse invitations from his brother if I am excluded? (Long... Sorry!)

[Lucktree]

Hello all,

I am a long time lurker, first time poster. I need some advice regarding a situation I am in, and I do not know what to do. The introduction is a bit long, but I would like to give as much background in order to avoid drip-feeding.

DP and I have been together for 2 years. We live together and are very close a couple. Our family know that we are currently viewing houses to buy together.

DP's brother has always been difficult to accept people. He wrote off his dad from his life when after his mum passing away, because his widowed dad dared to start a new relationship.

DP's brother keeps on ignoring the fact that DP and I are in a relationship. DP's brother would invite DP to parties or dinners and specifically mention that DP is invited alone, yet when DP turns up other invitees would have been allowed to bring partners.

Over the Christmas period, a family member of DP hosted a party to which DP's brother, his partner, DP and I were all invited. I was made to sit opposit DP's brother. He did not say one word to me. Yet, he was speaking happily to other people he was meeting for the first time.

Later that night, DP was giving his brother a lift. When we were all in the car, DP's brother repeatedly excluded me from conversation. If I joined in something they were talking about, DP's brother would simply stop talking leading to an awkward silence. If DP asked about my opinion on something, his brother would not give me a chance to speak. He literally made as if I was non-existent!

I am not sure why but I find the situation very frustrating. I do not feel that I need DP's brother's approval or friendship but I find it difficult to be ignored altogether. It is not as if DP's brother and I ever fought - he just keeps on ignoring my existence.

DP is a little caught in the middle. DP does not like the way his brother treats me yet there is nothing he can do about it.

WIBU to ask DP to refuse invitations from his brother if I am excluded?

My evil bitch SIL used to do the same to me - she didn't acknowledge for a whole year when DH and I got together. We're civil to each other now for the sake of family peace but I can't stand her - she's a manipulative, narrow-minded, selfish bigot.

What finally got her talking to me was DH and I helping her and DBIL to paint their house when they had 2 days to do the whole thing before moving.

But if your DP's brother doesn't need any decorating doing , the only other option is to make sure your DP understands how much this is hurting you, and asking him to please speak to his brother to sort it out. If he refuses, then you have some thinking to do.

AnnieLobeseder I don't think that DP's brother needs any decorating doing. Thanks for the tip though!

He has to stand up to his brother, or yes, that is a big problem for you as a couple. How far are you prepared to go, if he won't stand up for you?
It would be the end of my relationship. A huge red flag.

Don't move in with your partner, if he respected you enough he wouldn't tolerate his brothers behaviour toward you and if he hasn't found any balls to stand up for you in the last two years, chances are he never will.

Why bother with a coward who happily ignores people openly disrespecting and being obnoxious to you?

You say in your OP that you are very close to your DP and are going to be moving in together. If your DP is not prepared to challenge his brother over his appalling behaviour, then please do not rush into anything. Your DP is being completely disrespectful to you when he allows his brother to treat you in this way. Do you really want to build a future with someone who does not respect you?

Complete cross post with perlona!

Why can't you accept your DP's brother behaves like this. Your DP can see him alone and you still go to other family gatherings.
Seems the only person missing out is DP's brother?

This is less about DP's Brother's reaction to you and more about your DP's reaction to that. You need to make encourage him to not allow his brothers behaviour towards you.

I don't like my husband's brother and he doesn't like me. We first met in 1985 and simply never took to each other. I really couldn't care less. I rarely see him. We don't do big happy family events, on the rare occasions we have to meet we have nothing to say to each other.

His brother's rudeness to you is breathtaking and the fact that your DP thinks it's acceptable for you to be treated that way is not good really, is it?

What everyone else said. This isn't about the rude brother, this is about the DP who's happy to stand by and let him treat you like shit.

You're supposed to be a team, you and DP. He's not much of a partner if he backs away holding his hands up saying "nothing to do with me guv" when somebody is hostile to you. You wouldn't do that to a friend or acquaintance if your family member was giving them a hard time, would you?

Not a LTB, but I suggest you check for colour blindness if you can't see the big red flag. It's definitely an issue to be sorted before you progress this relationship.

This says more out your DP than his brother.

It's not a good omen when someone enables a third party to behave rudely to their partner.

What happens if you have kids? Will he allow them to be treated like this by his brother or allow them to see their mother disrespected in such a way?

His behaviour is both cowardly and disrespectful, but his brother is simply bloody rude.

He doesn't need counselling, he needs to be told to fucking man up to his brother and get his priorities sorted. If he can't/won't do that then quite frankly I would walk away.