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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend a funeral?

14 replies

wdut84 · 01/01/2014 02:13

A friend who I met at college has recently lost their partner after long fight with cancer. He was very young. DF moved away to go to uni over 20 years ago and I only see her once every few years. I did not know her partner that well; only met on a handful of occasions.

I have anxiety about travelling long distance and don't think I can make the funeral. AIBU. I want to be there for my friend, but don't feel I can make it to the funeral. I feel like I am letting her down....

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 01/01/2014 02:23

Send a card letting her know that you would be there if you could. But better than being at the funeral is being there for her. Once the whole thing of the funeral and other arrangements are over people will start going back to their lives but she won't. Drop her a text now and again even if just to say hi, call her even if you get her voicemail. Leaves message. She may not be up to talking or socialising but she will find a lot of comfort in knowing she's not forgotten.

HowBadCanThisGet · 01/01/2014 02:46

On the actual day of the funeral your friend will have lots of things to think about, and there are likely to lots of people there from her DHs family that she needs to spend time with on the day.

As said above, send her a card, and keep in touch. Just let her know that you are there, and keep repeating the message until she is ready to get back in touch. When I had a bad patch a friend sent me a little box of chocolates and a notebook at random, and I still remember how much it meant, over 10 years later.

ZillionChocolate · 01/01/2014 10:11

I agree, being there for the next 6 months is way more important than your presence at the funeral. Explain why briefly, but don't make it all about you.

RandomMess · 01/01/2014 10:14

Send a card and a donation to an appropriate charity, apologise for not being able to make the funeral and then suggest some specific dates for you to go and visit her.

ForalltheSaints · 01/01/2014 11:38

Send a card and maybe invite her to visit you. A visit to you in the Spring may be a way of helping and being there for you.

When my dad died there were two people unable to come to the funeral who invited my mum to visit and the two trips she made were something she really appreciated in the first few months after my dad died.

Mymumsfurcoat · 01/01/2014 11:50

I disagree. I lost my sister just over a year ago, I very much noticed who came to the funeral and who didn't, and those who didn't bother are persona non grata to me now, I have written them off in my head, and I will never contact them again.

phantomnamechanger · 01/01/2014 11:55

mymumsfurcoat - OP is not talking about being "not bothered" though is she? I don't know your individual circs and you do sound very bitter, but there are all sorts of genuine reasons why people don't/can't go to funeral even when ideally they would have liked to. Miscarriage/illness/on holiday/lack of finance for train journey to name just 4.....

phantomnamechanger · 01/01/2014 11:56

and I agree with the others, send a lovely card, let her know you are thinking of her, and continue to contact her/try to arrange a meet up so she has something to look forward to.....juts knowing someone is taking the time to think of you really does help.

Mymumsfurcoat · 01/01/2014 12:12

Please don't call me bitter, you know nothing about me. I am grieving. That doesn't make me bitter. All I am saying is that this is one of those times when it really does matter, there is no second chance, and IMHO, a card doesn't cut it, I haven't read any of the cards I received after my sister died, it's too painful still, so just because it gets sent doesn't mean it will get read, or even opened. It's quite simple, OP. If you want to be there for your friend, then be there. Anything else is just to make you feel better and isn't about her.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 01/01/2014 12:38

Completely disagree mymumsfurcoat and my brother's funeral is being planned right now so the sorrow and loss are very immediate with me.

Not everyone will be able to make it. Doesn't mean they're not grieving or that they don't want to be there. OP I agree that being there for your friend in the weeks and months to come will be valued and appreciated. Send a card now and keep in regular touch with texts and emails etc. even a simple 'thinking of you' text means a lot.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 01/01/2014 12:47

mymumsfurcoat I understand you are grieving right now but that is not a very healthy attitude to have. People don't attend funerals for many reasons - no childcare, can't get time off work, illness, away on holiday/business etc. To cut people off for this is to undermine yourself and people who might be able to offer you support now.

I am talking from my own experience of losing my DD when she was 5. There were many people who couldn't attend the funeral for some of the reasons above. Most send cards or called to say why the couldn't come. I didn't gel that people not coming was disrespectful in the slightest. I knew we were in their thoughts.

Are you getting support or counselling to help you with your grief?

OP - let your friend know you are thinking about her but you really don't need to attend the funeral.

TheNewSchmoo · 01/01/2014 12:48

I also completely disagree with furcoat Whilst it was lovely to see that my Mum's funeral was very well attended (surprisingly so, not because we thought she wasn't liked, but because we didn't know she touched so many lives), I could not tell you every person who was there as I was so absorbed in my own grief.

I know we all handle grief differently, but what meant more to me was the people who were there for me, and continue to be, once the initial furore and shock has passed. Just checking me and Dad are OK, a thoughtful note or invite.

I cannot entertain the thought of holding grudges against people who were unable to attend her funeral. If for no other reason than for the fact that her grossly premature death has taught me that life is precious and far too short for grudges.

phantomnamechanger · 01/01/2014 13:07

furcoat - I am sorry you are finding your loss so hard to deal with. This month will be 10 yrs since our DD3 died and although life goes on it is a significant marker post and will be tough for us. Most other people wont even remember the significance of the date or month let alone that its 10 years since our DD3 was stillborn.

However I did not say you were bitter, I actually acknowledged that I did not know you or your circs but that you did SOUND very bitter - that's just my opinion which I am allowed to state.

The fact that you have cut people out of your life because they did not attend the funeral, and now add that you have not even read the cards, some of which may have been full of love and sympathy and expressing very real regret at being unable to attend the funeral to support you, is IMO very sad. I hope in time you find the strength to read these and feel the love they represent. I know the cards we had when DD died were and are very special to us.

I also agree with PP who asked about counselling (we had this at the time and it really did help), and also with poster who said life is too short to bear grudges. Bearing grudges does not help you heal either.

middleclassdystopia · 01/01/2014 13:57

A close relative of mine is dying. I won't be attending the funeral because i'm heavily pregnant with two children. It will be hundreds of miles away and I would struggle for child care. On top of that I have very dysfunctional family and I may well face abuse if I go.

It's just not that black and white Furcoat.

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