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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Yes I am, and DP has confirmed it. But I'm still annoyed!

52 replies

MadameBigToes · 31/12/2013 18:30

OK totally first world and highly unreasonable/unseasonable whinge alert.

Friend has asked us out to dinner in a restaurant for his birthday - all good so far, get babysitter, nice meal out. I should be looking forward to it but I'm not because every time we go out with this friend he decides we are all going to have the "banquet"/selection of dishes/everyone share everything option. I've checked and yes, it's that type of restaurant and will definitely be happening.

I very rarely get to go out for a proper kids-free meal in the evening and when I do, and am paying for it, I just wish I could choose my own food! I cannot stand it when they bring 35 little dishes, they get spread over the whole table, and then 10 or 12 people spend about half an hour passing them up and down, going "ooh what's that!?" "Excuse me" "Ooh try this!!!" with someone else inevitably grabbing all the nice stuff before it reaches you, and by the time you've finally got a plate of shitey leftovers food to eat it's all bloody cold anyway. It makes me want to cry. When I could have just chosen a nice meal that I like and have someone cook it who is not me for once.

I can't say anything because it's his birthday, his choice and it would seem massively unreasonable as it in fact is is. And it would look surly to ask to opt out of the oh-so-fantastically sociable and fun "banquet" and just eat my own.

I know some people can't afford to eat out at all, I know I'm lucky. If you want to come and flame me, feel free, I know I'm in the wrong.

Bah.

OP posts:

NoComet · 31/12/2013 18:59

I've opted out of these at our local Indian, because I'm a wimp with chilli and lots of the bits I don't like.

It's not difficult, be honest simply say you don't get a babysitter often and you'd just love to eat just your favourite dish with no interruptions from small people and no washing up.

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 31/12/2013 18:59

banquets are SUCH FUN!!!
are you dining with Henry VII?

BrianTheMole · 31/12/2013 19:02

Yep, right there with you op. I like my food to be mine ;-) Ask if anyone minds you ordering your own as you've been looking forward to a certain dish.

notanotherusername1 · 31/12/2013 19:02

Well it's unfair you feel you have to make yourself more forceful, why can't people just accept what others want to do without all this endless pushing what they want on others. Hate all that. Please don't be forced into the banquet, order what 'you' want.

Original poster

MadameBigToes · 31/12/2013 19:03

:o Emma - at least that might add a bit of interest food-wise.

OP posts:

Inertia · 31/12/2013 19:03

Of course you can order what you like - don't even need to make up an excuse about allergies, just say at the start that you're not joining in with the banquet as you need to order your own meal. I would also ask the waiter for your own food / drink bill from the outset, and explain that this is to avoid confusion later.

Barnpot · 31/12/2013 19:06

I'm with you OP, I don't want to share some left overs after everyone has pawed all over it, I tell people now I have food intolerances and need to order from the menu!

JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 31/12/2013 19:06

Ooh, I love sharing, and trying a little bit of everything. Indian and Chinese cultures, Spanish tapas, in fact many countries other than ours definitely have the right idea here IMHO

But as usual MNetters are empowering in saying it's not unreasonable to order something you'll enjoy more - and have some clever ideas of how to go about it - the allergy checking suggestion is inspired I think.

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/12/2013 19:07

Does the restaurant do a indervidual menu or is it just a banquet thing?

HappTeeNewYear · 31/12/2013 19:14

Speak up. No excuse needed.

MammaTJ · 31/12/2013 19:29

I like a bit of everything, but I understand those who don't!

AnUnearthlyChild · 31/12/2013 19:36

What mamma said.

You don't need an excuse, just say 'hmm, don't fancy that tonight, I'll have the xxx' when they come to take the order.

But if you do want one, just claim overeating at Xmas has given you IBS symptoms and you are trying to avoid too many different foodstuffs till you have worked out the trigger. ( guess who is eating nowt but Rice Krispies at the moment!)

FairPhyllis · 31/12/2013 19:40

I don't see why you can't order a meal of your own even if you are all together.

Because of past food issues I still find it quite stressful for people to choose food for me or present me with something and ask me to eat it. I hate these kinds of things and would insist on ordering my own food in this situation.

AnUnearthlyChild · 31/12/2013 19:43

Ps the thing I like about that one is that if they pressure you, then you will be perfectly entitled to say 'no thank you. I will be Farting like a trooper all evening if I eat that'

Tends to put off even the most determned bonhomie, that one.

Feel free to go into detail about frequency, small and associated bowel movements if they won't stfu. It works. Trust me.

AnUnearthlyChild · 31/12/2013 19:44

Small = smell

Topseyt · 31/12/2013 19:46

If you don't want to join in the banquet option then don't. Tell your OH before you leave that you intend to order a dish that suits you, and that you would appreciate his support if everyone else becomes overbearing about it.

If you want to tell them anything at all, tell them you have been feeling a bit under the weather, so just want something you really fancy to get you going.

Mellowandfruitful · 31/12/2013 19:49

I hate this too and, after one particularly bad experience, never do it anymore. You need to steel yourself to be polite but very firm and to repeat the line you have chosen as many times as you need to. 'I really fancy X and I don't feel like anything else, so you guys do the banquet but I'll order my own'. (Cue protests.) 'No, I'm absolutely sure, you guys do the banquet..' as many times as you need to. Keep a smile on your face all this time.

The Gavin and Stacey episode is great and exactly it! If you really can't face this, though, the allergy testing suggestion is genius.

Bahhhhhumbug · 31/12/2013 19:52

Oooh I hate banquets. Our local Thai does a banquet option and if there are eight of you there will be eight chicken wings and eight spring rolls etc etc. So obviously and yes I am looking at you , ignorant selfish friend who always does this it is meant to be one of each item for each person. But no , you will always get one or two people who only like the Satay chicken wings (for example ) and so scoff four of them and then say 'well that's all I like so someone else can have 'my' spring roll/whatever' thus proving that they do know how the system works but decide to ignore it , selfish twats .

Bahhhhhumbug · 31/12/2013 19:53

selfish twats

Thurlow · 31/12/2013 19:55

Can we have a link to the menu?

Mim78 · 31/12/2013 19:59

I like sharing menus myself but yanbu to opt out. Maybe you are too polite with sharing menus/tapas to get the best of it though.

Original poster

MadameBigToes · 31/12/2013 20:03

Mim I hate confrontation and pushiness and this is a pushy group of people. I'm not good with a group dynamic, I like to do my own thing but I don't like having to stand up to the group.

I can't post the menu, that could potentially get me recognised by anyone who might be going! Shame as that would be fun though.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameBigToes · 31/12/2013 20:04

Btw it's not tonight, hence why I'm still here.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameBigToes · 31/12/2013 20:06

All these people agreeing with me is making me think maybe a lot of people hate it. Maybe if I say I'll just order for me it will kick off and half the table will decide to do the same.

OP posts:

FracturedViewOfLife · 31/12/2013 20:09

but if they don't you still get food you like. There is no down side.

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