Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like this is deliberate?

34 replies

sammyad · 31/12/2013 17:09

DP's mother has now TWICE posted prematurely on facebook about our two huge bits of news. We are expecting a baby, but only 11 weeks so haven't told most people yet, and have recently got engaged. I put a photo of the two of us up and she commented 'my lovely son and daughter to be!' before we'd even told most of my family, never mind friends who should have been told in person. Cue some fairly cross people upset at finding out on facebook as I didn't see it to take it down in time. DP had a massive explanatory chat with her about why this was not ideal, especially as we'd told her that we still had lots of people we wanted to tell in person over Christmas week. She said she understood and just hadn't thought - all fine.

Then today, she commented on something I'd written to someone else (stalking levels are a whole other issue!!) about being tired to say something along the lines of 'nothing like how tired you'll be when the baby comes!' So... yeah. Thanks for that. She KNOWS nobody but immediate family and some necessary work people have been told. She KNOWS how I feel in general about baby stuff going on facebook (we've had the convo that I won't be posting scan pictures etc) and she's not some dippy, technophobic old lady - she knows how to use facebook better than I do! This is not accidental.

And I'm cross, in case you couldn't tell.

(Mostly just wanted to rant.)

Xmas Angry
OP posts:
Quoteunquote · 31/12/2013 17:13

Be honest, explain if she continues to prematurely share news, you will be forced to always tell her any news last of all.

and remember two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 31/12/2013 17:15

Block her?

Original poster
sammyad · 31/12/2013 17:17

Quoteunquote I may be taking out a contract...

And Endo it's tempting but probably not worth the hassle in the long run. I prefer the assassination idea.

OP posts:
startwig1982 · 31/12/2013 17:24

We haven't told mil about me being pregnancy this time around as she's unable to keep it to herself.
I had a mc in the summer and had told a few people. It was hard enough telling people we had told let alone hearing from mil that she had told additional people including sil.
I was fuming. Hence the reason we haven't told her this time.

CoffeeTea103 · 31/12/2013 17:28

If you know she does this then why do you keep telling her these types of things and expect her to keep quiet?

MissMarplesBloomers · 31/12/2013 17:28

Tell her nothing & restrict your privacy on FB so she sees bare minimum.

She has no idea of a confidence clearly & wants to do MIL oneupmanship IMHO.

Or you could take out a contract Grin

petalsandstars · 31/12/2013 17:28

Anyone who does this to me then doesn't get told anything else.

Catsmamma · 31/12/2013 17:30

stop telling her stuff!

and filter what she sees on fb, end of problem

it really is this simple.

fairylightsatchristmas · 31/12/2013 17:34

I know its annoying but to be honest I think that now, if you are going to use FB, you have to accept that this is going to happen. People forget that a comment isn't a private conversation . I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her about it but I think its really one of those things that comes with the territory. You could also say that those who were SO upset that that was how they found out should get a bit of a grip - other than immediate family (who, IMHO should be told as close to simultaneously as poss)the rest find out by word of mouth generally. Friend of mine just had her 2nd DC, very overdue so lots of people waiting on the news. I imagine their parents got phone calls but it was on FB complete with pic within about 30 mins of the birth - quickest way to let everyone know. Its there as a communication tool so people communicate on it. If you value privacy and "ownership" of big news then don't be on it at all.

YouTheCat · 31/12/2013 17:37

Shut her down to the absolute minimum of what she can see of your facebook - and tell her if she can't respect you will defriend her.

WooWooOwl · 31/12/2013 17:37

I agree with blocking her.

It might cause a fall out, but you have recently decided that this woman is going to be your mil and a close relation to the children you bear. You need to start as you mean to go on, otherwise you will be kicking yourself 5 years down the line when after she made your wedding all about her and treats your children as her own.

You are in the happy early days of setting up life with someone and warning signals just don't come through as loud and clear as they should when you are in that phase. Don't look back and regret keeping the peace at the cost of your future sanity.

FetchezLaVache · 31/12/2013 17:41

I agree with Quoteunquote; you should tell her that as she's chosen to blab things you'd explicitly asked her to keep under her hat, she won't be among the first to be told anything of a sensitive/confidential nature in future. Ever. Again.

StrangeGlue · 31/12/2013 17:42

i think you can delete her comments and i think you'll have to restrict her access (if there is a way of doing that) or de-friend her. or you'll have to not tell her anything.

it's tough as she should understand this is mean of her.

my cousin-in-law's dad sent my mil an email saying 'stand by for news on cousin-in-law my lips are sealed' well they aren't are they are that blatantly means she's pregnant (as email detailed house buying process) and mil shared that email with all of DH's side of the family so now everyone knows. i thought it was bad of cousin-in-law's dad to send it and bad of mil to share it - i'm be really disappointed to have my thunder stolen like that!

WhoNickedMyName · 31/12/2013 17:48

She's done it twice, so if you let her do it again then it's your own fault.

Now you know she's a blabbermouth don't tell her anything until you're ready for it to become public knowledge. And if you like, explain this to her now so she can't complain about being the last to know anything in future.

It's that simple.

BeCool · 31/12/2013 17:50

Delete her comments.
Unfriend her on FB.
Stop telling her stuff.

If she protests just smile and say how necessary it all was to preserve your relationship.

YANBU to be PO'ed. She is showing you very clearly how she feels entitled to be. You can either Suck it up or respond.

BeCool · 31/12/2013 17:51

She the person to tell news to only when you want the world to know. Use her wisely Grin

ZillionChocolate · 31/12/2013 17:51

Fairylights isn't the difference that it was put on Facebook by the people whose news it was? If it has been done by someone without permission that'd be very different.

OP I think now is the time to set some boundaries. Don't make a big drama out of it but tell her you're disappointed at this repeat offence. Don't tell her anything until you've told everyone you want to tell yourself.

paperlantern · 31/12/2013 17:58

privacy settings can mean they have to "review tagging", so you have to approve any photos status etc tagged with your name before it can post on your wall or be linked to your account. everyone should have this one anyway.

you can also put her on a restricted list and set your settings when you post that she can't see. that way she doesn't automatically know she's blocked or defriended.

seriously just don't tell her. It's probably easier

Mitchell2 · 31/12/2013 18:06

Restrict her access - so she can see but not comment.

FB is a nightmare - it gives those who usually play the village gossip role a whole other platform to use. I've had loads of issues and now have just locked down so people can see but not comment (and can't see friends of friends).

TheJollyReindeer · 31/12/2013 18:10

Omg I would be livid.

I think I would have to set her up sit back and watch the entertainment of her making a complete pratt of herself on Facebook. It could be fun.

Seriously I would tell her straight she has fucked up majorly and from now on will be the last person to hear any news. Angry

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 31/12/2013 18:18

I would think of some completely untrue random bit of info to tell her, wait until she blabs on FB, then query and deny it very publicly with a lot of Hmm type faces, implying that she's completely mistaken and does she need her hearing checked?. Something like you're having triplets or are looking into emigrating to Australia. Do that a few times and she'll soon learn to keep her trap shut.

FrankAndFurt · 31/12/2013 18:19

What does your DH think? Can't he deal with it? She is his Mum.

I would never tell her anything and would look at your Facebook settings.

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/12/2013 18:46

Its infuriating.

Just after I gave birth (before the cord had even been cut) I didn't notice that dad was on the phone to his mother,she had posted about it on Facebook within 30 seconds of knowing so my entire family knew about it like that.

And she sees nothing wrong in her doing that, the result is that now she gets no information at all before those who it would be more polite to either tell in person or tell directly know.

fairylightsatchristmas · 31/12/2013 19:24

I suppose what I mean is that maybe we have to change how we view certain types of etiquette - that FB is now so ubiquitous that it isn't "impolite" to hear something on there, whether its first OR secondhand. However, if specific requests have been made to keep the info private then of course that should be respected and emphasised to anyone who is given that info.

Justforlaughs · 31/12/2013 19:34

Firstly, Why are you "friends" with your Mil on facebook in the first place? - I can't think of anything worse. Unfriend her now!
Secondly, tell her that you will no longer be telling her any news until you have spoken to EVERYONE else in person first - and stick to it. Let her find out when you set your wedding date from someone else (preferably, a friend of a friend of a friend Grin), or better still, when you go into labour/ give birth.
Congratulations on both counts!

Swipe left for the next trending thread