Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people who don't tell lies don't exist?

26 replies

Flojobunny · 31/12/2013 11:09

Pissed off, angry and sad.
Maybe I have unrealistic expectations from a relationship to think that you shouldn't tell lies, no matter what.
DP "everyone tells lies, its normal". He looks me in the eye when I ask him outright and lies. Sometimes silly stuff, others not so silly.
I have tendencies to blow me stack often so he lies to save himself the ear ache. Can I lie with a liar? Does everyone? Or have I screwed up big time again by trusting the wrong person?

OP posts:
poopooheadwillyfatface · 31/12/2013 11:14

well there are lies and lies. It would be a miserable world if everyone told the whole truth all the time.
But lying about important things that matter is different
Do you want to tell us what the issue is?

Wevet · 31/12/2013 11:14

I think almost everyone lies by omission and softens truths in order to smooth over potential hurt, but by that I mean pretending to be sick or busy in order to get out of an unwanted social obligation, or telling a friend their expensive new haircut is lovely.

I don't think other firms of lying are normal or ok between people who love one another.

WritingBlock · 31/12/2013 11:22

As others have said, it depends on the context of the lie. Lying to someone that their new hair cut is nice to not hurt their feelings compared to blatantly lying to cover your tracks for something you've done that you know is wrong are two different types of lie. One could seriously damage and the other is I suppose a "white" lie and can be brushed off.

Although I'd still tell my friends if I didn't like their haircut - they'd expect me to be truthful about it because of our friendship.

Original poster
Flojobunny · 31/12/2013 11:25

This time it was lying about money. DP said he'd paid his friend the money he owed but didn't.
Last t

OP posts:
Original poster
Flojobunny · 31/12/2013 11:26

Last time it was smoking. He said he'd quit but hadn't. He knew it was a deal breaker. He has quit now but lied about it before.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 31/12/2013 11:26

What's he lying about?

Personally, I'd be looking a bit closer to home if anyone I hadn't given birth to was lying to me about relatively silly stuff because they were scared of me/sick of my inevitable tantrums.

tolittletoolate · 31/12/2013 11:28

in the words of Dr Gregory House 'everybody lies'

BillyBanter · 31/12/2013 11:31

Everyone lies sometimes to some extent. There are different types of lies too. If you have a tendency to blow your stack then that is a big incentive to lie.

EBearhug · 31/12/2013 11:32

I think it depends on the sort of lie - "Oh, your new hairstyle is lovely," or "No, of course I didn't have an affair," or just failing to mention you've done something, which isn't an overt lie, but lieing by omission when you know someone is assuming things are other than they are.

I think most of us lie by omission or just little white lies which smooth over life, make life a little easier. But anything more than that - I don't think everyone does that, and I don't think it should be normal.

BillyBanter · 31/12/2013 11:33

It's not a good way to deal with the things you describe though. He should feel able to say 'argh. I am trying to give up but it is hard and I keep caving in and having the odd fag' without you blowing your top.

badasahatter · 31/12/2013 11:34

Everybody lies, but some lies betray trust. To me, lying to my partner about money would be a major betrayal of trust. My sister finally kicked out her drunk, abusive partner over his smoking. It sounds silly, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She had spent a fortune (and was still spending money on) Nicotine patches for him and he told her he was quitting, then she found fags in his coat pocket and he came home reeking of cigs. She kicked him out, not because of the fags alone, admittedly, but because he'd betrayed her trust, again. You have to decide if it's a proper deal breaker or not.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 31/12/2013 11:34

What kind of life can you have with someone who you know intends to lie to you on a regular basis?

Certainly not one involving trust or mutual respect.

quirrelquarrel · 31/12/2013 11:35

I can't stand liars. Absolute cowards IMO. They think they're so clever, finding a way to skip the hard stuff in life that everyone else has to deal with.

Had two experiences that stick out. One is remembering my dad crying during a huge family quarrel. My mum was white with anger, and he was crying because he found out I'd lied (a phase of lying when I was about eight). He was stressed at the time and things were starting to change re: our relationship anyway (I wasn't such a sweet little girl anymore) but it knocked me for six and I was def more honest from then on. And I hated thinking back on that day. Not to say I NEVER lie. But I don't lie to avoid conflict and I can't remember when I last lied even a bit.

The second one is more recent. I found out last week that my ex (since Nov so pretty recent) had just been coming out with these huge lies one after another while we were together. Not just little ones like, I did do that washing up on Tuesday. But huge ones and so many of them and all to make himself look clever, more attractive etc. Yesterday I talked to him briefly for the first time in a while and he was just making excuses ("It was the best time of my life and I had to keep it up"), hardly apologising- I've given up trying to find something to redeem him. Bit shitty to have someone give up on you, glad I'm not him.

OP your DP should change, it's not normal. And it's definitely not respectful. I'd not be letting this go.

oneplusoneplustwo · 31/12/2013 11:36

One of my exes was a Liar. Not just the normal white-lie stuff that people might say like already mentioned, but he would actually go out of his way to make things up.

There were 2 categories: lies he told me to get himself out of trouble and lies he told me just for the sake of it (to make me or others feel shocked, sorry for him etc)

He used to make up ridiculous things from his past like the time he'd arrived at work to find a colleague had hanged himself from the rafters. Like the time he was driving his van and was able to singlehandedly round up and detain burglars Hmm. When I got back from work once, he made out we'd had an intruder while he was upstairs and he'd apparently called the police and they'd been round and dusted for fingerprints etc. No paperwork, no evidence, no follow-up. He used to make up that he'd been for job interviews when the job vacancy didn't even exist (I phoned to check and the companies confirmed there was no interviews that day).

It was almost like an addiction. I realised it was all about him controlling me in the end. Made for a very toxic relationship which I eventually gave up on when I realised he wouldn't change.

mijas99 · 31/12/2013 11:40

I've never lied, I'm rather Sheldon like. It gets me into trouble

However, I have learnt to keep my opinions to myself and to concentrate on the points of agreement that I may have with somebody rather than to bring up points of contention (although I still have some way to go)

I wouldnt be able to abide somebody who lies to my face so blatently, it is cowardly

quirrelquarrel · 31/12/2013 11:41

Agree with you oneplus

If a partner sees lying as their first/best option it's a toxic relationship. It's often an extremely manipulative thing to do. Betrays a lack of self esteem too in that person- which is sad, but other people feel shitty about themselves too and don't sink that low. It's a choice.

quirrelquarrel · 31/12/2013 11:45

God- the thing about lying about jobs reminds me of one smaller lie I found out earlier on. When my ex told me he'd been offered a full time position at the place I work- I was really pleased for him. He said he couldn't take it because of uni work, fair enough. Made up all the little details about going for the interview etc. But I just mentioned it to my manager later on and he hadn't even had an interview let alone been offered anything. He told me yesterday that he'd had to keep up the lies he'd made up early on. But that was much much later. Bastard.

FrankAndFurt · 31/12/2013 11:45

Lies over money and smoking would be unacceptable to me.

Lilacroses · 31/12/2013 11:45

Lying like that about money and other important things like the smoking that he knew mea t such alot to you is wrong and devisive. I do think SaucyJack has a point though, not necessarily in your case op but in general. However, if you feel that you can't trust your partner on general ot is bad news and his claim that everyone does it is crap!

TaraLott · 31/12/2013 11:48

Not stopping smoking is a deal breaker?
What, a whole relationship goes tits up because one of you can't stop smoking as quickly as the other person demands?
I call that intolerant.
Lying is awful and I don't lie to DP nor he to me, but lying about smoking because you know your P will kick off is, while not desirable, certainly understandable.

edamsavestheday · 31/12/2013 11:51

He's lying to avoid you blowing your top. This is clearly Not Good. But if you want to continue the relationship, you both have to change - you have to stop reacting with aggression when he admits something you don't like, and he has to trust you enough to tell you the truth.

TonytheFish · 31/12/2013 13:57

"I have tendencies to blow me stack"

So what does this actually mean..how do you "blow your stack"

And what came first, him lying or you blowing your stack?

somethingchristmassy · 31/12/2013 21:13

Lying isn't ideal but everyone does it to some extent. But if there's a reason why your dp can't be himself, fallible and with faults, in front of you, then you bear equal responsibility. If you "blow your stack" at a smoking lapse, instead of being supportive, and dealing with things constructively, then I can kind of understand why he'd lie. Sounds like you expect perfection from him!

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 31/12/2013 21:17

Personally, I'd be looking a bit closer to home if anyone I hadn't given birth to was lying to me about relatively silly stuff because they were scared of me/sick of my inevitable tantrums

This. Plenty of people lie to their partners because they don't want to deal with the inevtable angry scene in reaction to hearing the truth

Eebahgum · 31/12/2013 22:10

If he expected to get a rational, supportive response when answering these questions truthfully he probably would. Unfortunately, like children, some adults are conditioned to lie by the reactions they get when they tell the truth.

Swipe left for the next trending thread