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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about Niece's Facebook use?

21 replies

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 10:53

Posting anonymously because I don't want the family reading this.

My Niece is 12, nearly 13. She's always been quite precocious and her parents pride themselves on being liberal parents - so she's been allowed to wear heels/makeup since about 8, has had an iPhone (and unrestricted use of it, including at night) since about the same age. Not the choices I would make, but fine, she's their daughter.

She's been on Facebook since about the age of 8/9 as well. It wasn't too bad - just banal stuff really, but lately it's making me more uncomfortable.
For starters, her entire profile is public. She has her correct date of birth on it if you look, but a cursory glance would make you think she is much older than she is - she claims to be working, for instance. And her photos are frankly dodgy - really provocative poses, very very grown up clothes, that sort if thing. She has hundreds of friends (although I think that is pretty normal).

So, aibu to think this is not a good idea? I'm genuinely doubting myself. It makes me uncomfortable, but my dc are much younger, and boys to boot.

I have mentioned to her parents that her profile is public, but was brushed off. She has completely unrestricted access to the Internet, and has a tablet and iPhone in her room at night, which also worries me.

And if it is a problem, how do I broach it? I need concrete reasons why this is not good.

Her parents are not ignorant generally. They are both educated professionals in fairly high ranking jobs. But they seem to have a blind spot when it comes to her. She is an only child, if that is important.

Or perhaps I'm overreacting and this is normal for children this age? As I say, mine are much younger. Is this what all children do now?

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SirChenjin · 31/12/2013 10:58

No - it's definitely not what all children do, but it's certainly what some of them do if their parents are silly enough to let them get away with it. I am friends with both of our teens, although have very little to do with them on FB, and make sure their privacy settings are correct. DD often calls me down to see the latest photos that one of the more precocious child (usually a girl) has posted, and it's - even more so because they are 'liked' by grown men.

Tbh - I don't think there is much more you can do. You've raised it with her parents and presumably they are away of the dangers. If not, you could link to stuff on cyber bullying, internet safety, that type of thing. You could also flag it to FB as you have to be 13 to have an account with them - although whether or not they would do anything about it I'm not sure.

mrsdoylesteapot · 31/12/2013 11:00

Your niece is putting herself in a dangerous position if her facebook profile is public. Her parents may just be blissfully unaware of how much information she is making readily available. Google image her name and show them how much can be seen to anyone who happens to look.

Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 11:01

I don't think there's much point going to Facebook - she'll be 13 soon anyway, plus with her unrestricted use of the Internet I worry she would go to worse sites where I couldn't keep a eye on her.

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Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 11:02

Hmm, I googled her name, and nothing came up. That's good, at least, and suggests there are some sort of privacy settings up.

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FudgefaceMcZ · 31/12/2013 11:07

No, it's not what all children do. My daughter is 12 and although she has had a facebook profile for saving photos to for a year, she has only had access to it herself for a few months. She has to tell me and her dad the password (we are both friends with her on there also so can see what she has added unless she filtered us, but because we can log in we know she hasn't- in fact I'm not sure she would know how)- we set the privacy settings, for example, so that she is only visible to friends. I have also seen her friends' profiles and they are not in any way 'provocative'- they mainly use it for playing dragon farming or similar games and posting pictures of their pets tbh. Mind you none of them are really that into makeup or things yet- maybe a bit of nail polish but they are still definitely kids rather than teenagers. I would be very worried about potential for dodgy adults to contact your niece if her profile is public, but also about bullying if she falls out with school friends. Can you talk to her parents or her about it? Try not to make it sound like you think she is a child, but as in looking after internet security which all adults also need to do.

noblegiraffe · 31/12/2013 11:08

The CEOPs website has good resources for parents and teenagers about Internet safety. Can you get her or her parents to read it?

www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/Secondary/

RestingActress · 31/12/2013 11:08

Unfortunately there are a lot of parents who throw their hands up and say "Oh well I can't be doing with it all, I don't understand it so I just let them get on with it", this is in spite of the school running parent info sessions on exactly this.

If they are not willing to listen and your DN is continuing in this manner there really isn't much you can do other than keep watching ready to step in if you see anything on her timeline. Unfortunately a lot of the dangerous stuff goes on through Chat which you cannot see

finallydelurking · 31/12/2013 11:11

Hi facebookworrier.

I have daughters similar ages to your niece and think you're right to be worried. What you're describing IS a safeguarding issue and if she's had unfettered access to the net for approx 5 years already I would imagine she's already on far worse sites than facebook.

Some of the most horrific online behaviour I've seen is often the children of 'professionals' so her parents are not unusual in having a blind spot.

If you've raised it with her parents I'm not sure what you can do other than talk to her directly and if you see any blatant safeguarding issues raise with her school or CEOPS. School may or may not take action. CEOPS will take action against older men interacting with young teens.

Good luck and YADNBU.

Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 11:12

That's what I'm worried most about restless - she doesn't really use her timeline except for photos and to ask if anyone wants to come onto chat. So really I've no idea what is going on.

It's reassuring to hear this isn't normal. As I say, I was started to doubt myself.

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Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 11:13

It really is bad, isn't it. Bugger. I feel really helpless.

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Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 11:16

That site is great, thank you noble.

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JohnnyBarthes · 31/12/2013 11:25

Are her parents on Facebook? Have they actually seen what she's posting?

pixiepotter · 31/12/2013 11:55

I don't know -what do you mean by provocative poses and 'grown up' clothes?
They could mean different things to different people.I have seen many girls that age bending forward with a stupid 'duck face' which I think they imagine is sexy? AS for clothes , well I wouldn't imagine a 13 yr old to be wearing childrens clothes.

Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 12:06

Poses are things like hip jutting, bare midriff, LOTS of makeup. Nothing explicit of course, but it just makes me uncomfortable in a child of her age. She wears bodycon dresses, hot pants, that kind of thing. I'm not a prude and I get she doesn't want to look like a child, but there must be a middle ground?

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Original poster

Facebookworrier · 31/12/2013 12:07

Yes her parents are on Facebook. They honestly don't seem bothered. I know I would be.

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SirChenjin · 31/12/2013 14:50

AS for clothes , well I wouldn't imagine a 13 yr old to be wearing childrens clothes

There is a middle ground with clothes which allows them to reflect the fact that they are still children who are becoming young adults - but who aren't adults yet. There are far too many parents who seem to have taken the easy option of being their teens mates, rather than their parents - buying your kids tight, short, low cut bodycon dresses really isn't doing them any favours. They are 12 and 13 FFS.

Sparklymommy · 31/12/2013 15:42

This is an interesting topic. I have an 11 year old, whom I have just let set up a Facebook account, after being dead against it for years. My reasoning is that she is still young enough that I CAN monitor her use of the site, and hopefully by the time she is 13/14 she will have got over the novelty of it.

I have vetoed her friends list, and they are mainly friends from other dance schools, school friends and family.

That said I can understand why you are worried about provocative poses. I know the sort you mean, dds friends o about 13/14 take lots of "selfies" and some look a lot older than they are. It isn't something that really bothers me, as I know them to be sensible, mature girls, but I can see that sometimes its inappropriate.

To be honest though, your Niece is her parents daughter and if they are aware and happy for her to be posting on Facebook I don't really know what else you can do.

rabbitlady · 31/12/2013 16:02

contact her school. they have people trained to deal with this.

MyMILisfromHELL · 31/12/2013 16:13

The worst thing about this is grown men liking the provocative pictures/poses of a 12/13 year old

alfiet · 31/12/2013 16:26

I found out recently that my 12 yr old had set up an FB account without me knowing I went ballistic especially as I'd asked her first whether she woz on FB and she had said no!!!!

MM5 · 31/12/2013 16:28

Ceop has great resources. This video is a good one for them to see...

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