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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with ExMIL

25 replies

LadyJx · 30/12/2013 20:26

I've always had a good relationship with ExMIL for the sake of my DD. I post the other day because there was no thank you for her Christmas Prezzie which I found a bit rude, but hey, I made my peace with that.

I now find out she is not talking to me and doesn't want to see me because I didn't give her son (DD's Dad) a card or present from DD.

Long story short, he told me a couple of weeks before Christmas he wants nothing to do with DD, not the first time this has come up but I have always instigated contact again as DD has gotten older. The last time was the last time I was doing this. Despite this he sent presents for DD through his Mum Confused don't get this at all.

Why the hell would I buy this man a gift? I think she maybe isn't aware of what has happened and I'm being painted as some nasty ex. Even if that is the case I still don't see why I should spend my money on buying a gift for him from a little girl he has never financially contributed for, he doesn't send me a card or gift on mother's day or my birthday or Christmas. My parents have always done this...

Hate that 2.5 years after leaving I'm still getting this petty shit. Sad

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 20:52

Yanbu at all. I think you should tell exmil that he has said that he wants nothing to do with dd and leave the ball in her court. If she wants contact then she will have to apologise first.

Your ex sounds like a wanker

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 20:54

Oh, and you're spot on re instigating contact - sure, you can facilitate but don't bother trying to force - sounds like your dd would be far better without him in her life

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 20:59

Thanks. Yeah she is a lot better off without him. He is at the very best a poor excuse for a man.

Do you think I should pop round to her house or try and phone her? He lives with her and really don't want a showdown as I think I would end up exploding.

Drives me mad why others make things they know nothing about their business.

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 30/12/2013 21:00

YANBU....

I am not sure you even need to explain but If he keeps dropping in and out of DD life this is really damaging...Leave them to it

Annonynon · 30/12/2013 21:01

I'd just leave her to sulk if I were you, you've done nothing wrong and you don't have to explain yourself to her

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 21:10

starlight1234

He won't be, he won't be seeing her again. He has never asked to see her I have always offered but because I speak to and see his Mum and he lives with her I don't think he could say no because then they would all know...

It's only after a few months of really erratic contact and behavior, littered with abusive messages and call's that he finally say's he doesn't love her, doesn't want her and the latest lovely one I should have had an abortion while I was pregnat. That was the final straw, he doesn't get to see her unless he drags me kicking and screaming through a court.

Completely irrelevant to the post but after that he wonders why I wont meet him for lunch????????? Hmm I wonder why.

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ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 21:11

If you do decide to tell her then I certainly wouldn't go round - probably either a call or an email or letter. If you are likely to be flustered then you should probably write, but if you call then you might want to write down what you want to say.

If the relationship between you and exmil/ dd and exmil is otherwise good then it would be a shame for that to be ruined by that tosser

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 21:12

Crap a duck he's deluded Hmm

TheBigJessie · 30/12/2013 21:19

Well, presumably his mother would hit the roof if he said the exact same to her about not being interested in his daughter. Two possibilities here:

  1. Are you certain he chose and bought those presents for your daughter? Could it be that ex-MIL assumes her son isn't a deadbeat and takes over the arduous task of Christmas shopping for him?
  2. Perhaps he bought them more to satisfy his mother's expectations than your daughter's, because saying "no I didn't buy my daughter anything" would have made her hit the roof. In which case, it's a good thing for your daughter that he's moved in with his mother!

I'm afraid I don't dare guess what you should do from here! Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

pigletmania · 30/12/2013 21:27

I would not bother with any of them. Keep channels of communication open, in that they have your number, address and e mail, and leave it at that.

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 21:28

TheBigJessie

I think he buys them to look like he is a victim and I am obstructing contact or something? I just don't think he will admit to his family that he is the shittest of shitty fathers who wanted a child until reality hit and the drink took over.

However his Mum does know that it has been through his choice in the past. Rightly or wrongly I told his Mum a few home truths when she tried to confront me once. I told her a few stories that would make your toes curl and yet she has for the past 2 years supported him living in her house while he is working cash in hand knowing full well he does not a contribute towards DD. These of course are her choices, but if she know's all this why would she stop contact with me and in turn her DGD?

It pisses me off that they take this approach knowing past circumstances. Some of the things he said, stealing from DD when she was weeks old, stealing from me, throwing a TV through a table I was sat next to holding DD (we left immediately).

Some people really do seem to live in cloud cuckoo land.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 21:31

In that case let her fucking stew. She sounds like a knob

justtoomessy · 30/12/2013 21:34

My ex MIL has not contact with my DS as they support ex's decision to not see DS. Ex Mil was also of the frame mind that her son can do no wrong and I was the evil ex, just like his first wife Shock

Ignore ignore ignore is my advice and don't enforce any contact.

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 21:35

ohfourfoxache

I think when I posted I was looking for a bit of advice to move forward but writing it all down I think I am inclined to agree with that last comment Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 21:36

justtoomessy

Do rose tinted spectacles get issues at the birth of these feckless fathers?

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TheBigJessie · 30/12/2013 21:38

I bet you're right. It's all about the appearances and doing just enough to have his cake and eat it. In his case, that's having no contact with his daughter and pretending he's being denied it. What kind of git doesn't want to see their children? Xmas Angry at gitface.

I can see why he's an ex. You're well rid, even if he's still causing you hassle years later.

YouTheCat · 30/12/2013 21:39

Ignore them both. If she has decided her poor ds is hard done to then she is welcome to him.

Your dc doesn't need this crap and neither do you.

MimiSunshine · 30/12/2013 21:41

How did you find out she wasn't talking to you? did her best friend tell you in the playground? if she hasn't actually approached you and said she thinks it's off that you DD didn't get her dad anything then you can tell A few more home truths her why.

If it's come through the grapevine then ignore it and at a point when you would naturally contact her (how was your NYE, Easter) then do. If she's cutting herself off, no reason you can't just act sweetness and light, she'll soon come running.
And then fein surprise at her not speaking to you, nothing people hate more than you not noticing that they've been ignoring you.

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 21:50

did her best friend tell you in the playground?

Actually my ExSil phoned me today. She unlike her Mother know's exactly what ExH is like and supports myself and DD like she is my sister not ExH's.

TheBigJessie You would think he would give it up with the texts etc considering he never get's a reply. He held up our divorce for over a year just because he could. His parents know that too Angry A gitface is a mild form of what I would call him Wink

It's just a shame as we always saw her regularly and DD loves seeing her Gran and even though I hate to admit it, I like seeing her too. It was nice to keep a bit of my old life when I had to leave everything else behind.

Ah well New Year and starts and all that.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 21:51

Think that's the "normal" reaction for nice, normal people - I.e. How can we move forward. Trouble is that we don't always deal with people who are nice or normal. Sometimes we just have to cut our losses, move on and, if there is to be any further contact, then wait for an apology.

Sorry you've gone through all this with your ex only to be faced with this now

TheBigJessie · 30/12/2013 21:59

Sometimes, reading MN, I really worry whether I'll be a deluded enabling woman who thinks her son can do no wrong one day.

Firstly, I really hope that I'll manage to bring my sons up not to be useless excuses for parenthood, but if I fail, I bloody hope I'll have the courage to recognise that one or more is being an irresponsible fopdoodle of a father to my grandchild(ren).

I'm so sorry your ex-PIL are so easily fooled into seeing him as an okay father.

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 22:06

ohfourfoxache It's ok we have gone through worse where he is concerned and came out the other side better for it. It just makes me a little bit sad that I have worked hard to maintain a relationship with ExMil for DD through the worst of it for it to come to this (she has worked hard also, I am not delusional enough to think it hasn't been hard keeping a relationship going, especially when ExH lives in her house and knowing the way he is has probably given her a hard time too). It has also become apparent to me that it sounds like I am talking about a young daft lad not a 42 year old. Safe to say I've been put off older men for life (or maybe that should just be men) Smile

TheBigJessie Your advice on here is pretty solid and if you bring your children up with the integrity you seem to have I'm sure they will be just fine husbands and fathers Smile. It must be so hard to see your children being poor parents but I, like you would hope to have the courage to not allow my child to blind me into seeing things that just aren't there.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 30/12/2013 22:39

Thank you Flowers

Good luck to us both!

starlight1234 · 30/12/2013 22:48

My Ex took me to mediation to manipulate me....He said there ExMIL... was going to take me to court to see my Ds....Funnily enough she had never asked to see DGS... She only ever saw her when she supervised her sons access...I offered her extra contact she refused...So now my son lost the whole of one side of his family as he is such a knob and they chose to support him been a knob

Original poster
LadyJx · 30/12/2013 23:07

That's awful she never took you up on that offer. Sounds like you and your DC are better off without.

Never fails to amaze me how easily people can turn their back. It's awful.

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