To think this is out of order?

[Letbygonesbebygones]

I've name changed as may out myself with this.

Will try to keep it brief! A situation has arisen in my husband's side of the family which I think is out of order but looking for confirmation that I'm right or I'm ready to be told I'm BU.

My widowed FIL had a falling out a few years ago with his late wife's sister & her husband. As I see it, it was almost 6 of one, half a dozen of the other with regard to who was to blame, though at the time I did feel slightly aggrieved for my FIL because of the way my husband's aunt & her husband treated my FIL. Aunt & husband are heavily involved in my siblings-in-law's lives but for reasons unknown have very little to do with my husband & I, which is fine. At family gatherings, my FIL regularly crossed paths with this couple & always remains pleasant. They, however, actively ignore FIL & act as though he doesn't exist, even though he is sat in the room with his children & grandchildren. The aunt & husband have no children of their own, hence their need to be constantly involved in the lives of my siblings-in-law. My husband & siblings don't challenge this terrible behaviour and as a result I have found myself avoiding family gatherings as the way they behave towards my FIL makes my blood boil.

This week I asked divorced BIL what his plans were for New Year's Eve, I know he finds this time of year difficult since his divorce & didn't want him to be alone. It turns out all of my husband's siblings, partners & kids have been invited over to the aunt's house for a family gathering. We haven't been invited (we have a new baby so wouldn't be going anyway) and FIL hasn't been invited, despite the fact all of his children & grandchildren are going, meaning he would have no one to spend the evening with.

Am I being unreasonable to think the aunt is completely out of order for excluding my FIL? Am I being unreasonable for being upset with husband's siblings that not one of them seems to have a problem with their elderly, widowed father being left alone on New Year's Eve?

Since finding this out, I've invited him to spend the evening with us, though we'll be spending most of the evening running round after our new baby who is suffering badly with colic & reflux at the moment so I doubt it's going to be a fun or relaxing evening for anyone! But better than being alone if nothing else!

Why can't people let bygones be bygones?

I think your husband's siblings are out of line and the Aunty sounds horrid.

There isn't a lot you can do though. Just try and keep FIL involved in your life's.

Depends what the initial falling out was about, tbh. Some things are impossible to forgive. Otoh, they might be arseholes. Might be jealous of the family he has. Although not much of a family if they are happy to see their dad excluded. Otoh, again, without knowing why there was a bustup, perhaps they have cause to feel a certain way.

I think you should just ensure that your father in law feels welcome with you. I am sure he willenjoy just a normal young family life.

Whether you see it as 'six of one, half a dozen of another' is totally irrelevant. The falling out is between FIL and his SIL (though you are caught up in it, as the obvious reason the aunt is less warn to your DH is the estrangement from that branch of the family).

You have to stand back and let those involved in the original row sort it out (or not).

I think YABU.

Your FIL and AuntIL don't get on. I don't see the problem with the Aunt not wanting to invite someone she doesn't like and has fallen out with round to her house.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to maintain distance.

If your FIL made a pass at the aunt or they've got info on how he was an international assassin in a previous life, they could justify why they shun him and he accepts it.

You're saying let bygones be bygones because you're only involved on the sidelines, if they'd done something hideous to your DH/DD you wouldn't feel so forgiving.

It's difficult to say without knowing all the facts, but its good that you are there for your fil, maybe someone (your dh) should point this out to the siblings

There is possibly something you don't know about in the long history of your FIl and his In-laws

Not enough info to say really but I'm leaning towards YABU.

There must be some back story here for all of your FIL's kids to not give a monkeys about him being alone on NYE.

What does your DH say about it and what does your FIL say about it?
If they both express bafflement, then ask one of DH's siblings to let you in on the secret.

Like other posters, I don't think there is enough background for me to give you well-informed advice and it probably isn't appropriate to share the details publicly anyway.

Another dimension is regarding the death of your MIL and how that may have affected the relationship dynamics between her sister/BIL, and your FIL who is related to them by marriage. Sometimes the loss of the 'link' person (ie the sister) can have a significant effect. The fact they are ignoring a branch of the family ( you, DH, FIL) ... Makes me wonder, would they be behaving like that if your MIL was still alive? I don't know the answer but something that may help explain things.

Like others have said, I would distance yourself, don't get involved, it doesn't sound like you are losing out if the sister is being a bit of an arse.

As regards your FIL and NYE, does he actually care? If he is anything like the elderly I know, they are tucked up by 9 pm - we certainly are and we aren't elderly

I think his own childrens behaviour is stranger. They seem keener to be with the aunt than their own dad,why is that?

Thank you everyone for your responses, as I expected they are mixed.

With regard to the falling out between FIL & the Aunty - there is a story to it but to explain it here would out me for sure if any of that side of the family are mumsnetters.
Let's just say it involves money and personally as someone prior to the falling out who felt no stronger loyalty to either my FIL or the Aunty (we get on just fine), I do think the Aunty & her husband were most out of order in the quarrel. Sorry to be so illusive but it would be irresponsible of me to go into more detail. Suffice to say, although at the time it wasn't very nice, these people have known each other for almost 50 years and to me the quarrel was not great enough to mean that after all that time, my FIL should be treated as though he doesn't exist. Certainly if anyone should be acting funny with the other, it should be my FIL but he thinks life is too short to fall out with people and wanted to keep the peace.

I think the reason the Aunty is less involved with my husband & myself than his siblings & their partners is that up until very recently, we were the only ones without children of our own & we live further away than the others. The Aunty is obsessed with the grandchildren in the family but prior to their arrival, she was less involved in the lives of the respective parents. When the kids arrived, she started acting almost as though she's the matriarch of the family in the absence of my MIL. There's no quarrel or bad feeling between my DH, me & the Aunty & husband, it's all very pleasant when we meet, except for them making me feel very uneasy about the disrespectful way they treat my FIL in front of his children & grandchildren.

FIL is a very nice man who does a great deal for all of his children. Since I wrote my first post, divorced BIL has told me he had no idea his dad wasn't invited & has now decided to call in on the aunt for a few hours then come over to our house to see his dad. The other siblings get on fine with my FIL & I'm really surprised they're choosing to spend time with the aunt rather than their dad - I can only assume they, like the divorced BIL, assume FIL is invited & will get a surprise when they arrive there to find FIL isn't there.

They're not a family who communicates very well (it's usually us lot that have married into the family that keep us all in touch!) and I suspect the aunt got in there & invited everyone over before FIL had chance to ask. The last few years most of them have come to us but with having a new baby, I didn't arrange anything this year, I just asked divorced BIL what he was up to because I didn't want him to be on his own. I assumed FIL would go to one of the other siblings & was surprised that everyone was going to the Aunty & she hadn't invited FIL.

I've decided that should my path cross with the aunt in future, I'll be civil but I'm not going up persue a relationship with her as I can't tolerate the way in which FIL is being treated (I really cannot see what he had done to deserve it) and I'm going to make sure FIL always feels welcome in my house. I hope when the rest of FIL's children arrive at the gathering & notice their dad isn't there, they feel a little bit guilty for having not checked on what he was doing - I know we all are busy but it's important to look out for our old folk!

Certainly my lovely deceased MIL would be horrified by the way her sister is treating her husband, the aunt is much younger than my MIL & FIL & they practically brought her up when their mother passed away young which makes their cold treatment of my FIL all the worse in my eyes.

Anyway I'm sure FIL with have a lovely time with his newest grandchild, despite any fussing & crying going on due to the colic!

Thanks again, essay over - happy new year to all!!