WWYD?

[DianaOfThemyscira]

I just need to vent, rather than have another row with toxic ex.
Ex had DS (5) for 5 days from Xmas Day night.

For two days I tried to get in touch with DS, by email, phone and on google hang out (like Skype) but ex refused to respond.
Eventually I got to speak to DS after 2 days of trying, and DS (an extremely kind and loving boy) told me he hated me, and he really meant it.

Ex and his Dad have just dropped DS off in his Dad's car, and DS told me that he wasn't given a car seat to sit in, there WAS a car seat there, but it was full of toys so he had to sit like I sit with a seatbelt.
The journey was 40 miles.

I want to tell ex that he shouldn't be doing this, but of course he KNOWS this, it is the law, and it is also a point noted in our written contact agreement.

I can't be arsed with more toxic shit coming off him which will happen if I contact him about this, so what do I do? Say nothing? Tell DS never to get in a car without an appropriate childseat?

TIA

Your kid is 5 and is going to have this situation between the both of you forever.

You need to find a non-confrontational way to deal with this and to stop putting your son in the middle.

I'm not really sure what to advise but certainly don't tell ds not to get in a car with no car seat. He's only 5. He doesn't need to have battles with his shithead, irresponsible father.

I would tell him via email that making your son travel without the proper seat is illegal and very dangerous and if it happens again then you will be reporting him to the police/solicitor.

I can appreicate that you will get shit for it but at least you have done the right thing.

Has your son ever said anything like that before after visiting his dad??

this is unacceptable. you should be able to be in contact with your child daily. if your ds is being trained to 'hate' you while he is with his father, that is a problem.
talk to your solicitor about the lack of contact, brainwashing and the safety issues. your ex is not a suitable person to have care of a child.

If you aren't already then make note of time dates and method eg on phone, face to face, and exactly what was said and what happened. Do not include your thoughts, analysis or feelings. Write in a notebook in your own hand. Anything that was clearly written as it happened and not in retrospect will be considered by a judge.

You said that it is already specified that he will put the child in the cars eat. Is this a mediation or court agreement? Write to the intervening body, with a cc to your ex and solicitor if have one, that X was reported to you by child. That this relates to Y. Keep it simple and to the facts.

Talk to your solicitor. If you are in mediation or going through court you may want to make a note or re ord of the phone call you had with your son and what he said to you.

Also as hard as it will be, no matter what your son says to you or tells you about what happens with his dad, do not react emotionally in front of him. You will be very angry at his dad but at this age children don't understand that emotional responses can be directed at a third party who isn't there. He will assume you are angry at him and that you are upset at him.

You need to create a safe environment in which he feels secure and can express everything that is going on in his head. He needs to know that at least one parent loves him unconditionally and doesn't put unreasonable stress on him (like being made to tell you that he hates you).

It's an agreement just between the two of us, no court order. When DS was small we had the arrangement verbally.
Suddenly Ex wanted it in writing and demanded that I be the one to write it. This is so he can tell everyone "this is all I am allowed - she has even put it in writing when I can see my son"
I got professional help with the writing of the agreement, and I emailed it to him, he replied that he was "happy to sign".

He then claimed to have been "forced" to sign it with threats of not being allowed to see his son if he didn't agree to my every demand. - demands such as "both parents agree that DS must travel in an age-appropriate car seat"

I have kept scant records of his knobbiness (eg. dropping two-year-old DS off at my house 35 mins early so I wasn't expecting him, and he just opened the front door and put DS inside, then left without letting me know. I found DS wandering upstairs looking for me.) but I will begin to be more regular with it. I should have been doing it for the past 5 years.

Is there anything anyone will do about the brainwashing?
DS's behaviour is MASSIVELY different when he comes back from time with his Dad, but I just don't know what to do about it

This is so sad. A friend of mine had this with her now adult DD. Her DD absolutely adores her and holds her father in respectful contempt. You have to try not to make any negative comments about ex. It's so tough for you OP but your adult relationship withDS will be the envy of ex in the future. You sound lovely.

It is really difficult, thanks MrsMorton for your kind words.
DS has also said "all you want to do is sit in your dressing gown and be lazy all day" to me, words that are RIGHT out of his Dad's mouth. He also tries to undermine the relationship DS has with members of my family.

I really don't know how to deal with the boy who returns to me, I know I am biased, but he really IS the most beautifully kind and thoughtful boy usually.
I don't want him to think it's OK to treat people this way, but I don't want his time with me to be constant nagging and telling off, nor do I want to say "you are a bad/nasty person when you come home from your Dad's"

You really can't help it if your ex is a dickhead. Look your son in the eye, ask him if he really thinks that (so he can distinguish what he knows to be true from his dads bullshit) and tell him you love him. It's really hard but try to take comfort that it's not you, it's your ex.

You can get help with both these issues. You need to get some advice, and I would suggest you ask for suggestions on the relationships board.

I would suggest that you need a third party who is not involved here.

The most important and only consideration here is what is in the best interest of your son. Having a relationship with his father is in his best interest even if father is a knob but I doubt I would want contact unsupervised. You need to get CAFCASS involved and CAHMS.

Please do keep records of everything, right down to times your son is collected and dropped off. There are spreadsheets that people have created and made available that help with this. Do a google.

All our experience dates from before Family Courts existed so I won't go into the legal stuff. Others will be able to help there.

Keep records, keep to the facts, don't add your own subjective opinions, don't ask leading queations and dont add hearsay eg son came home dirty, in dirty clothes, with all clean clothes still as I had packed them. He said the best part of his time with daddy was he got to sit in the front passenger seat when they went out in the car instead of his carseat in the back.

Do not write something like I was so upset son had not even had his face washed and ex had not even bothered to open the suitcase I had carefully packed. Of course so. Thought it was great he didn't have to have a bath and he said that daddy let him sit in the front, which is clearly dangerous when there is a car seat.

Even though both might be correct (NB I made that up it is NOT the OPs story!)

Also ignore what he says. It is hard I know but he is just trying to get to you. In court he can say what he likes the facts speak for themselves. He can say that you have done X but the judge won't care about that. Only about what is clearly a fact. The judge will have seen a lot of people with the attitude your ex has and won't just believe what he says even if he is charming and persuasive. The judge will be looking for anything that shows you are looking only at the child's interests.