Should I lie to my child?

[junkfoodaddict]

More of a 'WWYD' type question!

Would you ever pretend to your child whilst they were growing up, that an uncle or aunt did not exist?

My brother cut ties with my parents in July 2008 then with me and the rest of the extended family (including frail grandmother) in late December 2009 after my engagement to then DP. The last contact I had with them was "We might not come to your wedding because of your parents" So they never attended my wedding, refused to pass on a forwarding address when they moved abroad and now after my aunt stupidly searched for him on FB, friend requested him and shared his public profile and cover photos, has blocked me!!!! I secretly knew he was 'there' because I periodically searched for him to find photos of my very much loved niece who I no longer see.

He 'knows' that we got married, he 'knows' he has a toddler nephew but blocking me now gives me the message that he REALLY doesn't want anything to do with us. To me, this is him 'not giving a toss' about a little boy who is his nephew!!!

To reiterate, HE cut ties with 'us' for reasons unknown - otherthan he did not want to share our wedding day with our parents whom he hated!!!! (No idea why he fell out with my parents or grandmother!!)

I am not sure whether it is hurt or logic that is telling me to pretend to my DS whilst growing up, that I am an only child and that he has no cousins (DH IS an only child). He has plenty of our friends whom he calls 'Aunt' and 'Uncle' who are besotted with him, children who we consider to be close 'cousin' like friends and very close friends whom we would 'leave to in our will' (sounds crude, but how else do you put it?).
He has people in his life who love and cherish him.

Is there any point making him aware of a person/people who choose not to be in our/his life thus potentially making him feel unwanted?

why should he feel unwanted? just tell him, practically, simply, that there is an uncle who does not have contact with the family. he will cope with that much better than if he later finds out you have lied to him.

Whyever would you feel the need to lie? Just say that he does have an uncle who you don't see any more. Surely better to be honest with him than to allow him to believe a lie.

It's interesting you say this as I'm currently expecting mine and DH's first baby (due in 12 weeks) and my DH has absolutely no contact with his brother. Nothing at all. They were 'Facebook Froends' but even that has come to an end now. His brother is married and he has 3 children, none of whom we have anything to do with. His brother and wife did not come to our Wedding. the brother however is still in contact with my in-laws, there hasn't been a family feud or anything like that, it is just my husband and his brother do not get on. It really upset my DH's parents that their two sons don't get on, but such is life.

We were only talking in the car earlier about what we will say about this situation when the child is old enough to understand. We will just be honest I think and tell the child that his daddy and his uncle do not get on and so aren't part of each other's life. I know that his brother and family have no interest in our baby coming along and there is certainly no happy visions of all the children (I.e the cousins) getting to know each other.

I have a sister who has children so even without my DH's brother and family in the picture, our child will still have an auntie and cousins

You need to be honest in a way that a small child can understand. Secrets & lies are not the way forward - they always cause upset later on.

No don't lie, it's not nice and not necessary.

I've been nc with my father for twenty years, my dc's have always known that Grandad X isn't my dad but my step dad and that somewhere out there is my Dad. I didn't make a big deal of it with a big sit down chat, just talked about it naturally mostly when we've talked about my childhood. I think it's best to frame it in terms of your relationship not theirs. So you talk about your brother not their Uncle. My dc's have just accepted it unquestioningly even though the oldest is 14 they've never asked why no contact.

Your brother doesn't speak to your parents and you don't know why? Have you never asked?

Otherwise, just tell the truth - he has an uncle but you don't see him.

My sister has cut all ties with the majority of the family for imagined slights against her. My kids know of her existence, realise that she's a little "odd" for want of a better word, but don't take it personally themselves. Her adult children are now in touch with us.

I have asked my parents but the simple truth is, i have no idea WHAT the story is. i have had it in bits and pieces and I am sure I have had different versions! From what I can fathom, my DB and SIL came up from down South for a 2 week visit and my mum eventually felt like their slave and wasn't respected by them - she was working, tending to them and my toddler niece. I think she got tired of them 'using and abusing' her hospitality.

I know you are all right ...

Same happened here with my DH brother and his family. My youngest has never met him and my eldest doesn't remember them but we do talk about them every now and again eg you have another cousin or you look like uncle so so in this picture. Trying to make it natural I suppose.

I grew up knowing that I have a very large extended family on my mothers side but have not met most of them. Aunts, uncles, cousins and a grandmother. My mum never lied about then just said that they had fallenout. When I was older she told me why (obviously I only have her version).
They know I exist my mum has said she doesn't mind if I contact them, I've never wanted to.
I see no reason to lie to your ds, if you did and he found out it would probably cause more problems as he would want to know why.

God I had to read your OP really carefully twice to make sure you're not my dSis.

Suffice to say our situation is VERY similar. I often wonder what we'll tell our DCs, when the time comes but like other posters have said, we'll probably just give a simple, honest account of the situation, not hide anything and try and be as objective about it as possible.

My niece knew and got along with her cousins before the rift, she's now 8 and on occasion asks about them, but she accepts that her Mum doesn't see her uncle, and it doesn't seem to trouble her too much, they're very resilient with this kind of thing, it seems.

My DS is far too young to know who my niece is (her photo is in our living room) and of course, too young to understand family dynamics etc.

I suppose the word 'lying' was the wrong word to use. Simply I mean, he isn't in our lives (his choice) but I see no reason to talk abut him therefore DS will probably grow up not realising their is an uncle and a cousin 'out there'.

I know at some point he will ask questions as to whether I have any siblings, it's really at that point what do I say. The temptation is to say 'an only child like your father' but I suppose you are right saying he will get cross with me WHEN he finds out the truth, if that is what I will say.

I just don't want him being of an age when he asks and realises that he has an uncle who chose not to know him.

The simple truth by then would be; I have a brother who made a choice not to talk to us or see us anymore and I have no idea where he lives'.

He'll just grow up knowing he has extended family that he's never met.

Just like literally 1000s of kids who grow up that way.

I can't see why he'd give it a second thought.

I don't speak to my Dad. My younger DC are 8 and 7. A couple of years ago my DD said 'Poor you, you don't have a daddy, he must be dead'.

I had never brought him up in conversation. They just assumed. I said 'Oh no, he's not dead, just lives a long way away' and that was that.

As they get older and maybe ask questions, then I will answer them. I have never lied though.