AIBU to be disappointed with my PiL attitude towards our children

[loisin]

DH and I have been married six years, we have two lovely children DD 5 and DS 2. We're very happy. However, I've never got on with my MiL - long story, nothing particularly unusual I just find her overbearing, bossy and judgemental.

PiL are very well off. Their house is worth about £650k, they own a second property that they paid for in cash and MiL has about £30k in her current account (I know because DH saw a bank statement on their kitchen table)

DD's 5th birthday was in October, MiL bought her a High School Musical bag with a docking station for an iPod/iPhone etc(neither of which she has). It has a mic and speakers built in and works a bit like a karaoke machine (I realise I haven't described that very well) DD likes singing and it's be a nice present, if it wasn't second hand from a car boot sale / charity shop and only worked for a few minutes before breaking. I looked online to if we could replace it without DD realising, to find out that they were discontinued about six years ago and are on sale on eBay for 99p. In fairness, she also bought her some leggings from Tescos.

So, Christmas. She gives DD 3 gifts. A fairy making kit, a glitter picture kit (both RRP £5, but the kind of thing you get in Home Bargains for 49P / 99p) and a bag with some shower gel in. The shower gel had split and had leaked inside the bag.

She also spent the whole visit mimicking DD's regional accent (they're from Surrey) which I found really distasteful.

AIBU to think that it wouldn't kill them to make a bit more effort with their grandchildren?

I used to get something small from grandparents, for example a beaded purse

OMG you've just brought back a memory of something I'd forgotten all about

I had loads of beaded purses from grandparents and aunts etc.

In my opinion he money thing is unimportant.
That said, I absolutely would not tolerate her assuming that her Surrey accent is superior to whatever accent you and your children have.

Every girl had a collection of beaded purses! I had one that said BLACKPOOL on it, brought back by a great aunt from her summer holiday but saved to be given as a Christmas present

How much effort do they actually make with their GC - gifts are not effort (often quite the reverse with gifts being used to assuage guilt)

YABU to moan about gifts.

My MIL makes jokes about my DD's accent too, it's not because they look down on it, just think it's funny 'cos it's different to theirs. So it really depends on what it's actually done, you sound like you're looking for complaints 'cos you don't get on at the moment.

Well I didn't have a collection of beaded purses! [sadface]

Now why, OP, do I think that the 'accent mimicking' is some kind of talisman to distract posters from leaping on you for the real issue of money-grabbing? I can't imagine that GPs who love their grandchildren would make fun and, if they do, then you'd pull them up on it, right? Not just post on a chatboard about it, so... what have you said to them about it?

All of the things you've (you and husband) done and said about your PILs money are completely unreasonable and grasping. When gels/lotions leak, people aren't always aware of that.

My grandmother used to find proper hankies dropped in the street, take them home, wash, starch and iron them, douse them in her beautiful (and expensive) perfume - and give them to me. I absolutely loved them and when I see dropped hankies in the street now I still think of her with love.

What exactly is it that you're irked about?

Well I can empathise re the cheap present giving when you know deep down it's accompanied by lack of genuine care or love.

My parents deeply hurt me by not acknowledging dd's birth and then giving her a QD towel which promptly ripped for her first birthday. It was the deep underlying dearth of feeling that hurts.

Well the accent thing is a bit mean, but am
I the only one who thinks it's a bit creepy that you know how much their house is worth and that your dh has looked at his mum's bank statement and shared it with you.. Like your adding up your inheritance... I haven't got the foggiest clue what my pil's or parents' house is worth or how much any of them have in their banks and it's never really crossed my mind to find out!

And it's not about money grabbing at all...

My grandma used to give me the crappest presents (all purchased from jumble sales). It used to be a family joke each christmas to see what awfulness (I recall a half-made macrame owl...) she had come up with.

She died last year and left all her grandchildren £50K each.

Some well off people prefer to leave a legacy, than buy expensive gifts in their lifetime.

Is this both PiLs or just the MiL?

As for anything else its their money and their loss if they can't be bothered.

My PIL's were the same. However, nobody could accuse them of not caring, they were just very careful about money and wanted to be sure of being secure in old age and to leave something behind when they died.

Hubby and I aren't too badly off either (now) but that's because we don't splash the cash and also invest in out future. Perhaps others looking in would think I was tight where my own daughter is concerned because I too like to buy second hand and don't want to spoil her. Anyone who thinks that is perfectly entitled to believe what they want but they are sadly mistaken if they think my attitude is based on anything other than my own reasons.

Tbh, I think this your problem, not your MIL's.

I actually think that no matter how much money you have it's not fair to buy a second hand present like etc for a birthday unless it's something the child actually wants (ie unless she actually asked for such a bag / docking station etc) sounds thoughtless if she doesn't have iPod and I would have said so. My pil are quite well of but cautious with money - so never spend more than £20 for birthday or £10 for Xmas but I think that's ok as they provide receipts if I want to change it. I would have said, oh can I have receipt as dd doesn't have an iPod so it's not suitable for her. Making fun accent just rude. I would probably ask dh to discuss with his parents. Cheap xmas presents ok if she spend same on other grandchildren, fair enough to decide £5 each is enough. Decide if you want to ignore or confront.

I have no idea how much money my parents or inlaws houses are worth or how much they have in their bank accounts. I don't particularly care either and I think it is quite telling that you do.

Cascumpec

Your story made me feel ill.

I personally do not expect any money from anywhere. But to actually say they were putting money aside, all those years...and never actually up dating you is sick and cruel and twisted.

I hope you were able to get your son off to uni OK but your story is the example of how no one should rely on or trust anyone.

YANBU. I hate tight people when they can afford not to be. Its a very ugly character trait and makes me quite the judgy pants. I dont understand why anyone would defend them in the circumstances described. Even when money is short there is such a thing as generosity of spirit, to put time, effort and thought into a gift. None of which appears to have been done here. Their loss OP.

my parents lived like there was a war on. I always assumed they had very little money. When my dad died a few years ago it co-incided with my ex husband walking out and it was the first time as an adult I had no money whatsoever. My mum stepped in - just asked me how much I needed and she kept on asking and asking every month until she was sure I was OK. I was terrified of seeking legal advice 'cos I knew I couldn't afford it. Sobbed to my mum I didn't know what I was going to do so she told me to see a solicitor and she would pay for it. She did - all £15k of it by the time it was finished. She also gave me a huge amount of money towards buying a house and I now live mortgage free with my children and do everything I can for her as she ages. And when things were difficult for a few years, she would buy me groceries or pay for school uniform.

I cannot tell you how.....embarrassed? fed up? I used to get as a teen bringing people into our 1950s house! I will struggle as well to express how upset I was when I never got the rollerboots that everyone in my class got. But honestly I cannot express just how grateful I am that my parents took the attitude that you only spend it if you have to because without mum mum's support at such a crucial time in my adult life, things would have turned out very differently for me and my children. My parents are very much working class. They went without across their younger life to ensure they were secure in their old age. I didn't have a clue that they had any money at all and I could never have guessed just how much my dad would leave when he died.

People have a right to save and spend and live the life they want to lead. We have no right to expect anything just because we know they happen to have money in the bank or a high value home. My mum, even now I know exactly what she has hidden away, hasn't changed her spending habits and will find the cheapest thing possible for me and the children for birthdays and Xmas. I have learnt a few financial lessons since my ex walked out and I now have a very tidy sum, all saved up from my hard work, sat in my bank account. And it feels amazing!

Good on you mumandboys, and your parents sound fantastic.

Surely it's not the amount of money but the thoughtlessness. Sad for DCs.
You do yourself no favours though, OP expressing your interest/knowledge of your PIL's assets. Sounds grabby.

I don't care what amount is spent on my DC but I do care about the thought. Every single year their grandparents on dad's side buy clothes two sizes too small.

Mostly brands I've never heard of but one year a pair of M&S trousers so we returned them to exchange for some that fitted. The cashier looked sympathetically at me and said they hadn't been sold for 3 yrs but she could give me £3 for them

They know they don't fit because they used to bully the kids to try them on...embarrassing them because the clothes wouldn't zip up, were so tight that everything was displayed. Short, tight and dubious taste (a bodice in thick lace for a 10 yr old???) Horrible.

Thanks for everyone's comments.

I'll try and respond to some of the issues raised.

DH and I aren't actually money mad as I might come across in this post. I referred to their house value to try and give some context. It's hard to give appropriate situational context in a post about a single issue.

And I also don't actually care what the gifts themselves cost but the amount of thought that seems to go into them. The kids both have definite likes and interests and the presents that MiL gets always strike me as the kind of thing that you get if you were told that a friends was unexpectedly bringing a child to your house. The first thing you see on a shelf when you're in a rush, that kind of thing.

There are other grandchildren, and they do get better presents, not much better, granted but better. Like Thomas the Tank pyjamas and Thomas sticker books. In fact, one visit my daughter found a new Thomas sticker book in the bedroom she was staying in and asked her Grandmother if it was for her or her brother, as they both love Thomas. The response was 'No, its for one of your cousins'. So MiL does know what they like.

DH has always had a strained relationship with his mother. She bullied her children for most of their lives. Now his view is that she's just pretty crap and will never change.

I realise that getting annoyed about their gifts is a petty. And I know that I shouldn't let it get to me, but she always makes comments to imply that she thinks she is an amazing parent and grandparent. And she's not. She's far too self-centred. Fir example, we drove 5 house to see them on Boxing Day (they knew we were coming and it was all planned) and when we got there, they'd gone dancing. No phone call, next. Nothing. We went to DH's sister's house instead and they the PiL turn up about 2 hours later and she said they got bored of waiting for us.

Anyway, thanks again all. Hope everyone is enjoying the start of 2014.