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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to meet up with family at Christmas

11 replies

angelinterceptor · 28/12/2013 20:48

I feel like I am always the sibling who phones one of the others for a chat, or calls round to theirs for coffee, chat etc.

This year I thought I would leave it and see what would happen if I didn't make that call.

We were at my parents for Christmas lunch, and I skyped my DB who lives
overseas. But apart from that I have had no family contact with any of my other DB or
DS. 3 of them live within a few miles and have to pass my house to get to theirs.

Feel a bit embarrassed when other friends ask about my Christmas and expect to hear tales of jolly big parties.

For the record we haven't all fallen out or anything. Am I BU?

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 20:54

YANBU to desire some reciprocal effort, but YABU to cut of nose to spite face, at Christmas, if you really wanted to see them.
Also YABU to be embarrassed. People will have had all sorts of Christmasses, good, bad and indifferent....
Hope you had a nice time and that not seeing them hasn't made you sad. You could always pop round for NYE

Original poster

angelinterceptor · 28/12/2013 21:13

Well I am a bit sad that they don't make the effort to call in / send a card/ even a text message!
We all lead busy lives for sure and we moved house on 20th, would have liked a bit of brotherly/sisterly help/ chat and general festiveness.

OP posts:

Squeakygate · 28/12/2013 21:15

Have they met up without you?

Revengeofkarma · 28/12/2013 21:23

If you're the one that always makes the call, for whatever reason, then it's pretty passive aggressive to opt not to do it and then get all upset about something they didn't know they were supposed to do (because you didn't tell them). Especially with having just moved - they may not want to bother you or there could be all kinds of other reasons. Or they could in fact be jerks, but there's no way of knowing since, again, you didn't tell them what you wanted in the first place.

Getting all upset about stuff you want other people to do telepathically is just wrong. And somehow people love to pull these surprise "secret test to see if you love me!" crap around the holidays. Just for extra pouting and effect.

Think how it would be if THEY posted their side. "My sister, who always calls, is now furious and seething and holding a crying grudge because I didn't call her on Christmas. (Optional: she does this every so often for attention.) We hadn't fallen out or anything otherwise, so what is she so upset about?

People would take their side.

If you want to talk to them, call them. If it's important to talk to them on a holiday, call them. If you want them to guess and fumble around to make you happy? You're onto a loser there, every single time.

MerylStrop · 28/12/2013 21:24

I expect that they will have gotten into the habit of you doing all the running, so they won't magically change that habit overnight

Do you get on when you do get together? Is it only at Christmas?

Bowlersarm · 28/12/2013 21:26

Didn't they see your parents at Christmas?

Original poster

angelinterceptor · 28/12/2013 21:37

I think my parents visited them all or phoned the one overseas on Christmas morning before we arrived.

I am fairly certain they won't have met up without us.

I guess I am just sad that they weren't interested in a Christmas drink or catch up.

Probably time spent with DHs family has meant I have made to many comparisons.

I really hadn't thought that they would just expect me or DH to be making the first move but thanks for making me see it from other point of view.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2013 21:44

"I am fairly certain they won't have met up without us."
So maybe the rest of your family just aren't that into family gatherings? Some people just aren't. Try not to take it personally OP, it's just the way they are.

Ratbagcatbag · 28/12/2013 21:48

Meh, if my db didn't live with my mum I wouldn't know anything about what he did. We had family for dinner on Xmas day and that's it. I've enjoyed having me time (with dh, dd and dss) and we've avoided all other contact. Just how some people are I'm afraid and I'm the organiser of the group.

Revengeofkarma · 28/12/2013 23:05

The may well have wanted a drink or something, but presumed you would organise it as you always do, or were busy because of the move. Again, getting all upset because they didn't telepathically read your completely unspoken wants is really unreasonable.

My friend T is almost pathologically unable to pick up a phone for a chat. It just isn't what he does. He's never said this to me, but the only time he's ever phoned was to find out how surgery had gone. That's a decade ago.

But if I call him, or email him or text him, he's always glad to hear from me, and we are close friends. If I call him, he will suggest a plan to do something most times, and we have a great time. Do I get all in a huff because he never calls? Of course not. So yes, YABVVVVVU!

PicaK · 28/12/2013 23:15

You're looking at this the wrong way round.

You're very good at maintaining links, keeping in touch, organising get togethers. A lot of people aren't. You think it's normal and instinctive to do this - but it really isn't.

You could waste a lot of time feeling resentful - or you can take pride in your skill and use it to good effect.

I know i'm never going to be the life and soul of the party. But i know the party happens cos i've done the dreary stuff of organising dates/times/venues etc. It's win win for me.

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