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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to be disappointed with dhs efforts?

17 replies

hannibalismisunderstood · 27/12/2013 11:25

Okay just to give some basic background, we both work ft, he does shifts, I work generally 8:30-5:30 mon-fri. We have 3 kids at home (dsd-18, ds-14 and dd-4).

I do all the driving (he can't) and yhe shopping/cooking/laundry/organising Bill payments/drop off to Nursery, 95% of nursery pick up and at least 50% of the rest of the housework.I am also desperately trying to finish writing up my research degree so very very busy but I managed to buy and wrap all the family and Santa presents for Xmas including for dhs side of the family (I do all the birthdays too).

We dont have a joint account but he pays me half of the household budget each month and keeps £200-300 for spends (beer and magazines mainly). Any extra expenses I cover so I usually get about £50 a month for spends but have tried to address this to no avail....

A couple of months ago we agreed a £50ish budget for each others Xmas presents.

I managed to get good deals by buying early etc so for dh I bought him a nook simple touch e-reader, a years subacription to a music mag he reads, some books and a new set of headphones. Spent around £65.

On Xmas day (dh had gone to town for 3 Hours the day before to get a few bits ans go for a pint) I got a cheap doctor who wash bag (poss from pound Shop - I do like doctor who but am not a complete nerd about it), the first edition of the doctor who figurine magazine collection (99p) with no intention of paying for additional copies until later when he suggested he'd pay half (so i would have to pay £4 a fortnight for 70 issues) and a coffee gift set from waitrose which was a packet of ground coffee with a stainless steel measuring spoon.....

Of course I said thank you but aibu to feel totally unappreciated and to stick to a fiver for him in the future??

OP posts:

scaevola · 27/12/2013 11:31

Changing the budget won't change the disparity in the thought process that goes in to the present buying, and it is the absence of that which seems to be the real problem here.

Don't tit-for-tat if you can help it - it usually compounds rather than solves problems. You need to tell him, at next present buying occasion, what you'd appreciate and stress it's the thought (currently a bit lacking) that counts.

petalsandstars · 27/12/2013 11:32

The inequality with money gets me, there is more wrong with this than Christmas gifts. If my DH had 6 times as much spending money as me then I would be sorting it out or getting out.

attheendoftheday · 27/12/2013 11:41

I think that christmas presents are the least of your problems. Your whole set up seems very unequal. I couldn't live like that.

NigellasDealer · 27/12/2013 11:45

i do not see why he would get six times as much 'spends' as you do, while you seem to do six times the amount of work.
is it because he has a penis?

ImperialBlether · 27/12/2013 11:51

Hang on, you had an agreement to spend about £50 on each other and he bought you those crappy gifts which cost less than a fiver?

You need to have a word with him - that really isn't on.

I don't understand how he is getting away with having so much more money than you and how you can respect him for that. Have you tried talking to him about it?

Why is he so incapable in the house?

RandyRudolf · 27/12/2013 11:51

Do your 18 and 14 yr olds take responsibility for household chores?

With regards to the presents some people simply can't be arsed into putting the effort into thinking about it. In future I think you're going to have to give him a list and let him work from it. At least you'll get something you want.

Original poster

hannibalismisunderstood · 27/12/2013 11:59

The 14 year old and 18 year old do the dishes 3 Times a week each and are supposed to keep their rooms tidy. If I ask my ds to do extra he will but if I dare to ask my dsd to do anything dh gets arsey about it and makes out she does more than ds anyway (she doesn't) and that apparently they both do more than other teens anyway...

He gets stroppy whenever I challenge him (like a 13 year old) and I have said multiple times I won't live like this but I'm still here dreaming of leaving (its my second marriage - 6 years married)... I need to clear my debts from my first marriage and save up some leaving money I think. If he changes within that time then great but if not then I will go...

OP posts:

Clunch · 27/12/2013 12:02

Christmas presents are a trifle compared to the extreme inequality, economic and other, of your relationship. Not to sound unduly harsh, but how on earth have you let things coast along like this, with him exploiting you right, left and centre? If you want this relationship to continue, things need to be on a more equal footing.

To pick up on one thing only, is there a medical reason why he can't drive? If not, he needs to spend his large amounts of 'pocket money' on driving lessons, so that you can share the family driving more equally. And of course you need a joint account for a fair distribution of household income and an easier way of paying bills. The way he 'hands over' money for you to budget at the moment leaves you with all the responsibility.

For christ's sake, what adult parent spends £300 a month on beer and magazines?

Clunch · 27/12/2013 12:04

OP, just read your update. You're only going to be able to save to leave if your household income is shared more equally! He sounds appalling. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

NoelHeadbands · 27/12/2013 12:08

Well to be blunt, he mugs you off all year round- why would you expect Xmas to be any different?

Barefootgirl · 27/12/2013 12:39

Sorry to contradict you, Clunch, but i think the very LAST thing the OP needs is a joint account. She doesn't need to give this manchild any more access to her money.

YANBU to be disappointed with the presents, but as others have said, its symptomatic of a far greater problem in your relationship. I also have a DH who strops likea teenager and its not a fixable problem. All you can do is plan to leave and concentrate on getting your life together enough to make this possible.

DizzyZebra · 27/12/2013 12:43

The christmas presents are the tip of the ice berg i think.

Has he ever given an actual reason as to why he gets six times the spending money you do?

Im assuming step daughter is the 18 year old here, but id be telling her to grow the hell up too. A 14 year old i can understand being a bit on the lazy side and needing a bit of prodding seems normal, but not an 18 year old. Id expect her to be contributing to the household in some way, whether thats by paying board, or by helping out with the chores without being told or throwing a strop.

I would be embarrassed if my daughter acted this way with her dad and his wife at that age.

Original poster

hannibalismisunderstood · 27/12/2013 14:18

The stropping is a definite learned behaviour from when he was growing up and at 43 he isn't going to change that easily - he does apologise for those eventually but they are wearing...

I don't want a joint account for the reasons above but I would rather have equal spends... No easy way around that at the moment...

Dsd is unfortunately naturally lazy. She came to live with us when she was 16 and her mother (who also doesn't drive!) doesn't pay any maintenance as she is on benefits and dh won't ask her for money. When she was at her Mums she just sat in her room. Dh insists we still pay her pocket money and for her phone which works Out as £45 a month plus we pay for her Bus pass. I refuse to pay for extras as she could work more - she only works 4 hours a week in a Shop. She never just offers to do anything and to be honest rarely speaks so ita as an odd situation but hopefully she'll be off to uni next Sept and that will raise all sorts of other issues...

Ds isn't perfect but he cooks, makes cups of tea, will play with his little sister so I can do things around the house and his dad pays maintenance as well as comes and picks him up for alternate weekends and half the holidays. To get dsd to see her mum I have to drive her to her house which is the middle of nowhere...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/12/2013 16:30

Who is getting the DSD's family allowance and tax credits?

Beamur · 27/12/2013 16:36

So you work all hours, organise everything and still end up with the same spending money as yiur dsd....there is all sorts of wrongness going on here op! I think you need to redraw some boundaries and stop doing quite so much for everyone else and claw back some time and energy for yourself.

HOMEQCRICH · 27/12/2013 16:40

Can you review the household budget and 'discover' he needs to pay a bit more? If you are only left with 50 and he 2 - 300 something is amiss. Do you both contribute to running a car. He may not drive but he is benefiting from it.

Original poster

hannibalismisunderstood · 27/12/2013 18:44

The tax Credits/child benefit and housing benefit all go into my account and is taken off the total budget before we split that in two.

Included in the budget is the car ins and petrol but to be honest the petrol would be less than half it is without picking him up/dropping him iff/dsd drop offs/visits to his familyat least once a month (I see mine once a year as its too far to drive there and back in one day so we combine it with family events such as my sister's wedding or cheap hols if we have any)

OP posts:

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