to think my mother isn't helping herself, health related.

[mummytowillow]

My mum is 72 and has always suffered back pain, it's got progressively worse and she is now in a lot of pain.

She has been told surgery will help but refuses the opportunity as there are slight risks. The consultant told her he has never heard of it going wrong in his experience and urges her to have it done. Still won't consider it.

She has an array of medication which she doesn't take properly. She has morphine based medication and has been told to take it regularly but doesn't. Instead she waits until she is in agony and takes some, and doesn't take the other meds at all.

I've tried to talk to her that if she kept on top of the meds and took it spaced out the pain would be more manageable, she just flies of the handle and takes it all out on me.

I've just phoned and she has been laying in bed for 16 hours with no pain relief and was obviously in pain. She has been told staying in bed so long isn't helping but again won't listen.

I try to help practically as my dad has run out of patience but this is refused. She then plays the martyr saying she needs to go shopping which I offer to do along with cleaning, ironing and she refuses.

She moans her friends have lost interest in her but to be honest they are exasperated as well. She spends the whole time with them listing ailments, hospital appointments etc even at an afternoon tea I did for her birthday the whole conversation revolved around her ailments and it was clear everyone was uncomfortable with it.

My brother has escaped Boxing Day dinner but I'm due with DD and know it's going to be a miserable day sat in silence with her snapping at me when it suits.

I have no experience of severe pain apart from a c section and dislocated ankle.

So AIBU and should I do more if yes what?

PS she also had a bottle of oromorph in her bag yesterday and took a swig out it in front of three kids and left it in full view on top of her bag. But couldn't see the danger should the kids get hold of it! I told her there was no going back if one of them drank it and she said I was being a drama queen

Nope, she's not helping herself.

She's also a grown woman.

However, I wouldn't let her anywhere my child if she couldn't use her meds responsibly around them.

So stay home.

I'd have told her a few home truths by now. How have you not?

As much as I can understand her suffering (I have severe back pain myself), she needs to take her pain meds regularly and responsibly to manage the pain. Couple that with exercise and she should find herself pretty mobile, by keeping her weight steady and keeping mobile.

Leaving a powerful med like Oramorph is just stupid and an accident waiting to happen. I would agree with you that if your children got a hold of it and ended up in hospital, there would be no way back.

We've had huge arguments about it, but it all falls on deaf ears.

Its so draining and I've got no patience for it all, which sadly shows.

We went to my brothers yesterday and he cooked a lovely dinner which she refused to eat as she couldn't face it! She then wants everyone to ask why to open the conversation up but everyone just stayed quiet

Chiggers, can I ask do you find morphine or synthetic opiate based meds ie tramadol work better.

She seemed better on tramadol but won't take it, but morphine makes her itch and sleepy?

She is a grown woman - you cannot make her do things.

Of course she is not helping herself.

You've made your point with her, you now need to take a step back, support her when she wants support and otherwise let her make her own choices.

There is such a thing as 'illness gain' which means people perceive some net benefit from adopting a sick role. It's not a very constructive thing to do when not well, but difficult to get out of once certain behaviour patterns are established.

Sounds to me like she enjoys being the one 'suffering'.

So you're best bet is to just ignore it. Maybe if it stops giving her attention, positive or negative, she'll do something about it.

And I speak as one with 3 chronic pain illnesses.

But I take my meds and exercise as much as I can to keep my weight down, as Chiggers said.

I agree she is not helping herself and you know what? She sounds like my mum!

My mum is 55, she does take her meds and she has had ops but I am trying to encourage her to do gentle exercise to improve her mobility but to no avail.

Like your mum all she does is talk about herself and list her endless ailments and appointments it is exhausting. She drives my dad up the wall and everyone else.

I love her but I'm exhausted. I'm sure it's not the case but sometimes it feels like she's not even trying. It's like she has just thought, oh well this is my life so lets indulge. I think it's her way of holding everyone's attention.

It's hard to fight against the way people think about medicines and pain, but yes, she really isn't helping herself.

She needs to take pain meds frequently or they won't help, even oramorph is good for chronic pain (where you take it regularly to keep pain under control), rather than for acute pain.

Can you take her to the doctors and ask them to explain (again) the way the medications work?

Suspect she has a mental block to admitting something is wrong enough that she needs round the clock pain meds.

It's a dignity, body integrity and sense of self issue I would imagine. Would it help you have more patience/ tolerance to think of it like that - although I can imagine how bloody frustrating it is.

Btw I have oramorph and it's not given lightly. Makes me wonder whether her docs know that she's not taking other pain relief properly?

And yes it's a massively dangerous drug for children, as it's in liquid form, which children can take easier and also ate familiar and comfortable with due to calpol and other kids medicines. You do need to talk to her about this. She appears to think its a harmless thing, and it's really not. I would go so far as to speak to her gp about this. It's really dangerous stuff for children, and for adults who swig it straight from the bottle.

My gp was really worried about giving it to me as I have a small child, and I talked through where I was planning on keeping it before she agreed to prescribe it. My paed friend also said the same, she used to work a&e and saw some very sad cases of this happening. Awful awful stuff.

I keep mine in a locked box, in a high cupboard which has something physically blocking the cupboard door. And even then I worry and when my Ds (3) is a bit older I'll be taking more steps to secure it as I think it's only the high up ness of it that would keep it from him if he was really determined to get to it.

Btw I agree with Pacific about 'illness gain', though usually I'm massively wary of the concept as its used to excuse treading people very very badly. However in this case i do think it's a valid point.

I've just been to their house and the oromorph was on the kitchen side. So I mentioned it again and she said I was being ridiculous and the kids wouldn't touch it!

I just can't get through to her. We have the same doctor so I might mention it and see what she says.

The psychological component of chronic pain is huge, but I don't think you ignoring it will help, on the surface it may seem as though it will reduce her secondary gain from her current behaviour, but she has a chronic condition and needs support. There are lots of treatment options other than surgery, including epidurals and nerve blocks; if your mum gets a referral to a chronic pain clinic they will be able to sort her out without a big op, and generally have access to clinical psychology which is helpful.

Yy to referral to pain clinic - do speak to your joint GP about how your mum is managing (or not). Your GP won't be able to discuss anything with you, but is likely to be interested to get an inside view.

How she looks after the Oramorph is a real concern too - it is NOT safe to just be standing around. Morphine can be v dangerous in overdose and it takes small doses to be an overdose in a child. It is also a controlled drug and she is legally responsible for none of it to go missing - might pointing that out help her to take it seriously?

I hope my first post did not sound too unsympathetic; it was not meant to be.
Chronic pain is a horrible thing, but some people deal with it better than others. A multidisciplinary approach is often best: pain relief including specialist input for blocks etc., physiotherapy, psychological support etc.

By stepping back I meant you cannot sort things out for her; she needs to want the help on offer. Might she agree to go your dr's with you?

I agree it sounds like she might benefit from a proper pain clinic which has psychology input. I have experienced some periods of chronic pain in the past which made me completely miserable, a bitch to live with and quite self-obsessed. My husband also has suffered chronic back pain and it is so so difficult to empathise, particularly if you totally take a pain-free life for granted. There is also a strong possibility of pain-associated depression. You may need to keep nagging the GP for a referral but please persevere.