What would you do!?!

[WaffilyVersatile]

this might be long, there is a bit of back story..
OH and I got married last year, my best friend from school (who I hadn't spoken to in 10 yrs) found me on FB about a month before my wedding and I invited her to come along - was over the moon when she agreed. Even though we hadn't spoken in ages I often thought of her.
I knew she would get on well with one of my brothers so I sat her and her kids and the same table as my brother, his wife and their kids.

Fast forward a few months and it transpired that from meeting at my wedding my brother and my friend had started an affair. At this time DB was leaving the military (they got accommodation with the post which they also had to leave when he left his job) so he ended up leaving SIL the day after my nieces 5th birthday. He didn't tell her about the OW..

SIL couldn't afford to pay the private rent to stay in her home so had to go into a hostel. As it happened the hostel was around a mile from my home. niece was given a place at the same school as dd and nephew was sent to the same school as ds. This all happened in November so last xmas for SIL was pretty fucking bleak tbh. My DM had her over for xmas day but SIL was obviously very unhappy during that time. For the first month of them being in a hostel I could barely bring myself to look at DB or my so called friend (who didn't want to tell me anything was going on and sat at that table with SIL and her kids and then still went on to have the affair..) and just felt incredibly guilty for essentially setting them up and underestimating how well they would get on!! SIL doesn't drive so I spent a lot of time with her trying to help her get back on her feet and we became friends.

Anyway, despite trying to get on with my DB and his new "situation" I have been accused many times of taking sides.
This latest time is what I need advice with..

My DB announced 2weeks before xmas that as they had already spent 2k on their (collective) 5 kids they were not able to afford to buy gifts for his nieces and nephews (there are 12 kids altogether and we always buy for each others - usually no more than something from the 2 for £15 range but always something) so he had bought a tub of sweets for each family to share. SIL however had taken the time and effort to select individual gifts for all of the children. Because of this I suggested that the gifts I had bought their children should go to SIL house (where they live, they see DB every other weekend) because a) she had made the effort and b) they live there and c) she really hadn't had the money to buy much so why should DB have the credit of so many gifts under the tree when he had made so little effort while SIL had to yet again make do.. and my sisters agreed vehemently.

On Christmas eve DB messaged me asking why I wanted to make his life so difficult and asking wtf my problem was with him. I explained the above and he said

"your full of shit they can have your presents there and you can fuck off and stay out of my business cause your more trouble than your fucking worth with your bullshit stories and trying to do whats best all the time when you know shit"

Lovely! I didn't reply. for the record the bullshit stories was about me reminding him that none of us had much money to buy gifts but we were anyway because Christmas is the same day each year.. hardly a surprise and he had missed birthdays all year too!

Now, its OW daughters birthday tomorrow (they live about 30miles away) and I HAD been invited. Would you go??!? I really don't know what to do here. I am sick of him getting away with his selfish behaviours and I don't want to be a doormat but then again I get the distinct impression from that message that I would be far from welcome anyway... Please! tell me, what would you do??

I think you are in a horrible position and DameDeepRedBetty had the least socially awkward get out for you - blame it on the weather and anxiety about travelling, and see them all another time when this all feels less loaded. I do think it would be worth, as PP had suggested, getting in touch with your old friend and having a chat about the situation in a nice and hopefully very non confrontational way, as your DSIL is always going to be the parent to your neices and nephews, and she needs to understand that you supporting DSIL is not automatically taking sides. It is all about blending! And your brother needs to understand that, but it looks from what you've said as if this isn't very clear to him right now, hence getting in touch with your friend.

I think that it was right to give support to the parent who needed it the most and had residency if the children.

The welfare if your DN's, is your business.

However it isn't clear if your DN's visit would if incurred expense, so it was a situation that he had to choose between. I used to give my children choices, as I didnt have much disposable income, so you could be being judgy.

Whilst I am not condoning an affair, I have known people in Army Housing that have found themselves stuck

Helpyourself Thank you, I have a lot of guilt about that

I messaged OW (its not that I see her purely as OW but a)I would like to say "my friend" but frankly I am not sure how true that is anymore and b) hes still married so she kind of is) and told her that for obvious reasons I think I will not be coming but I will send her dd present with my sister who is if that's ok. She said she thought I might not but if I change my mind I will be welcome.

Sorry, stuck in bad marriages.

Either way your SIL would if been in the same position, if he had of ended the marriage before the OW, re housing.

For all you the marriage might if been over, even though they were putting on a public show.

Was he away a lot? That helps a dead marriage not have to end.

Has he seen much service? It isn't easy coming out if service.

I agree you need to lay off the OW stuff, she is now his DP. Is it her house hat they are living in? Your DB might not be as settled and sorted as you think.

It is a shame that you cannot speak to him without the pressure of a Birthday etc going on and just as Brother and Sister.

You all need a honest clear the air/how do we manage this chat.

" hes still married so she kind of is)"

No she isn't, his marriage is over, he just hasn't put pressure in your SIL to divorce, which is to his credit, she had enough going on.

Someone has probably said this already but I think you are too invested in your brothers new relationship because you feel responsible for introducing them. It wasn't your fault and if he had left your SIL for a stranger he had met I don't think you would be so involved.

Yes they are living in her house and yes he has put pressure on SIL to divorce - he has announced in front of the children that he and his new dp want to get married (knowing of course that they would tell their mum)

He went to Afghanistan once about a year before it ended. He said he felt it was over but admitted they were still sleeping together and SIL reaction was that she had just been hit by a truck - she did not see it coming at all.

I disagree re housing. Yes they would have had to give the house back BUT being in a hostel with 3 kids and no car Vs being in either a hostel or temporary rented with the support of a husband, a car and the 3 kids.. I don't think they are the same at all.

The pressure is on and he is showing his true colours. He is trying to be everything to his new partner at the expense of his ex wife. Not nice. You have a good relationship with SIL and your db's children, just not with him at the moment.

After talking to you like that, I would give him as much space as he needs. Stay away from him until it occurs to him that perhaps he ought to contact you and make amends.

I agree, if it was anyone other than her it would have been so much less of an issue. rightly or wrongly.

No I wouldn't bloody go - and I'm no believer in "blood is thicker than water" either - if your brother is being a rude wanker, then why on earth would you bother talking to/socialising with him? Fuck him! His attitude stinks, and his behaviour to his children (step or not) is horrible. He'd be waiting a long time for another call from me, if he was my brother.

However. Stop feeling guilty about introducing your friend to your brother - sounds like if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else sooner or later anyway.

And don't go!