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AIBU?

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Original poster

Visitor who brought nothing. Unreasonable or not?

88 replies

littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 08:02

My ex SIL spends every Christmas with us along with lots of other family members. She is like a sister to me and I love her to bits so no issue with this.

Ex SIL has a new boyfriend this year. Has been with him around 9 mths and I have met him twice previously. He had his Christmas dinner with his family and he was then coming to mine to spend the evening and stay over to Boxing Day.

Everyone who come to mine on Christmas Day gets a gift so I bought him a pack of three local beers as I was aware he liked beer. He arrived with gifts for ex SIL and a small gift for her daughter. He also brought some beers for himself to drink. He brought nothing else.

I want to know of it is just me but I would never go to someone's home where I was going to stay over without at least a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should have at least brought a token gift for the hosts? It is making me think badly of him and I don't want to think like this.

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 26/12/2013 09:47

YANBU but being as it's Christmas, i'd give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he'd said to SIL ' Should I bring anything?' and she said ' don't worry I'll bring x, y and z so maybe just bring some of that really odd beer you like in case ' ?

bigTillyMintspie · 26/12/2013 09:48

I think you're right - he just didn't think. He should have brought flowers/chocolates/bottle of fizz.

But the fact that he has never been married/had kids and he brought his own beers for himself to drink would make me wonder about him managing a caring, sharing close relationship.

BlondieTinsellyMinx · 26/12/2013 09:49

YANBU

You are putting him up and feeding him. He could and should have spent even just a tenner on some flowers for you. To offer nothing as a token of thanks for your hospitality is just rude. Is he generally selfish?

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2013 09:58

Yabu. I'd have assumed the stuff that the SIL brought was from both of them.

You have far to much time on your hands and clearly a very dull life if this is honestly something you have spent time thinking about.

Plus maybe he's skint and just bought a small token gift fir the SIL and dc and the beer was so he dudbt drink all your booze as he hadn't provided any.

Why didn't anyone ask if they could have a beer instead of assuming they were ALL for him.

When I invite people I invite them. Not what I think they might bring. And not because I want a fridge ful of wine I won't drink and another ton of chocs ontop of all the Xmas food.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 26/12/2013 10:37

Et tu, giles

specialsubject · 26/12/2013 10:39

christmas gifts for adults not necessary. But anyone being hosted at any time should bring something as a 'thank you'. Ideally the hosts should end up with more wine/beer/chocs than they started with!

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2013 10:50

Id think of exSILs gifts as from both of them as they are a couple.

He brought gits for his DP and her child, he brought what he would be drinking.

Im puzzled as to how that is 'very rude' to quote someone upthread.

If he arrived swinging his empty hands, then maybe.

But he didn't bring 'nothing' did he?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 26/12/2013 10:51

little you sound like a lovely host, you have a bad guest on your hands.

Bringing nothing to a host is Shock Confused Hmm

Taking your own supplies without sharing is mean, thoughtless and childish.

Reluctantly bringing wine if you are asked to contribute and taking half a bottle home with you after spending all weekend (or overnight in your case ) eating and drinking your hosts out of house and home is tight.

Doing all of the above and then serving a single serving bottle of wine between four adults, despite being presented with lots from your guests is ridiculously tight.

Some people are rubbish guests and even worse hosts. If we weren't related, we wouldn't be friends.

I'm betting your bil drank all his own personal stash and started on yours.

Graceparkhill · 26/12/2013 10:53

He might be planing to send you flowers / thank you card afterwards ?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 26/12/2013 10:53

merry fucking Christmas Giles Grin

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2013 10:56

:o same to you.

Tbh I wouldn't be having a man id met twice staying over in my house anyway, regardless of who he with.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2013 10:58

Besides, has anyone seen the nightmare guests threads. Pee on beds, poo on the toilet floor, dog shit,vomit, fights etc.

No flowers or chocs? Got off lightly tbh :o

Summergarden · 26/12/2013 11:15

I hosted yesterday and honestly don't expect people to bring anything, for me it's far more important that they are pleasant company with no snide or argumentative comments so that everyone enjoys the time together. As long as people remember to say a genuine sounding thanks to me at the end that makes me plenty happy enough.

It does help if people bring some of their own drink as that's something I always worry about when hosting, ie running out of booze.

Sometimes I think there are too many expectations about bringing presents to so many occasions and with our busy lives it can be tricky to keep track of everything, so how people behave in person (remembering to say please and thank you and being polite in conversation) counts for so much more than remembering to bring physical things with them.

Just my VHO though.

JohnnyBarthes · 26/12/2013 11:19

I think you are spot on, Summer.

toobreathless · 26/12/2013 11:24

I always take a gift if its more than a casual coffee & the longer you are there the more substantial the gift. It's just the way I was brought up- never turn up empty handed.

So for a dinner party- nice bottle of wine
Overnight stay- wine plus flowers or chocs
3 day stay over Christmas- we took 3 nice bottles, homemade mince pies & gingerbread & offered to do all the food shopping and cooking for Christmas Eve, they declined so we took a small Italian hamper.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2013 11:27

I would either take a gift for the host/hostess or send one as a Thank You afterwards.

I just think convention served a purpose and good manners seem to have gone by the wayside these days, which is a shame.

NeptuneHill · 26/12/2013 11:34

Well, it is rude and annoying but I suspect he is just one of those people who doesn't think. I have a BIL like this. The latest story to illustrate....

We went out for dinner for my dd's birthday in a posh kind of pub. There were 16 family members and we were paying. Main courses were around £10 on average, apart from lobster which was £40. BIL ordered the lobster, DESPITE joining in a conversation when we were all looking at menus about how expensive the lobster was! DH and me didn't hear him give his order, so we were a bit Shock when his food arrived.

We don't grudge him a lunch out, and he's hard up, but that was taking the piss slightly....

toobreathless · 26/12/2013 11:36

If I was just going for Xmas dinner I would ask the host 'what can I bring?' 'Christmas pudding?' If assured nothing I would take at least a nice bottle plus something else edible AND a token Christmas present for the host or if a family maybe a board game.

For me it's a way of saying, 'you have been to all this effort and we really appreciate it'

Mmmbacon · 26/12/2013 11:52

Yanbu, I have this every year I host, only it is bil,

Had him up again yesterday, and no presents, no food, no chocs or even a bottle of wine for the table

Whats worse is he us coming up with mil later for christmas dinner round two use up the left overs, I used to be very Xmas Angry but now am just Xmas Biscuit with him,

Caitlin17 · 26/12/2013 11:54

I think your giving a gift to everybody who was there is completely OTT. However I would never go to any party, lunch, dinner at anyone's house at any time of the year without bringing a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers or box of chocolates, nor do I know anyone who wouldn't.

Original poster
littlewhitechristmasbag · 26/12/2013 12:19

caitlin17 everyone got a gift as the other guests all stayed christmas eve to boxing day and were family. I bought him a gift as he was possibly going to stay too and i ask just bought to would be nice to give him a token gift anyway. I did not expect a christmas gift from him.

In the grand scale of things it was no problem, it was just idle speculation on what people think is the done thing. I agree that given the scale of problems on other threads then i got off very lightly indeed.

He was a pleasant house guest and probably a bit out of his comfort zone coming in to a large noisy family with people who had all been drinking, when he had to drive and was sober.

They are all away now and a very lovely christmas was had.

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 26/12/2013 12:57

Well tbh I (and the majority of people I think) wouldn't expect a gift from each of a couple!!

lottieandmia · 26/12/2013 13:04

YABU to expect something. I think that if you invite people it has to be no strings attached. If I was going to stay at someone's house I would take chocolate and wine but if I was inviting people there is no way I would think badly of someone who didn't give me anything. It's not a trade off.

zeno · 26/12/2013 19:00

Go easy on him. He maybe just wasn't brought up to this way of doing things and no one has ever told him different.

I've been in those shoes and was mortified to twig many, many years later than I ought to have caught on, that gifts to hosts were the done thing. I still forget sometimes now, simply because it's not an automatic thing that I've always done. I hate knowing that there are people who would write me off as a rude thoughtless person for it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2013 19:11

zeno I think that's just it tbh. I mean, if you were invited you either accepted or politely declined. You show up you say all the right thinks, offer to help, compliment host on house/garden/food/wine/ hair or whatever, you may even help wash up or clear the table fetch things etc.

When it's time to leave you , again, say gushing thank you for having mes , food was lovely, have a good evening/weekend, etc

You leave thinking you were polite helpful and made your appreciation and thanks known. And the whole time people are expecting guests to arrive with various gifts (and tbh at one point if I could have afforded a bottle of decent wine or fancy chocolates I would have been able to afford to eat at home and not needed the invitation to dinner). Or are wAiting for the mass thank you card/bouquet of flowers cycle to begin.

I don't understand all these conditions to accepting and thanking people. Surely the way you act, the assistance you offer , what you say etc is enough to show how grate ful you are and how much you enjoyed yourself,