to wish that my stepchildren might recognise that I've done my best for them?

[VeryExasperated]

I met their father when they were still small, and he'd been divorced for a few years. They were lovely kids, and I tried to make their time with us as happy as possible, but I know they had a rough time at home as well. But I spent a fortune on them, as DH lost his job, so I would pay for everything, and try to make sure they had decent b'days and Xmas etc. and that's fine, though they were never great at saying thank you for presents. They're now in their 20s. We don't see one who just never gets in touch, which is really hurtful for DH. The other one stays, and treats the place like home (which I want), but never ever offers to help, or even take plates and mugs from sofa to kitchen. There are quite a few bitter remarks about the past. I know they were hurt, and DH was hurt, and stepmothers are not even on the radar, but we do have feelings too. Or is this a first world problem.

It's very hurtful to be so unappreciated when you did so much. 20 is still young though, they won't be able to see anyone else's perspective for years and sadly, maybe never. At least you and DH know you tried your best and have nothing to reproach yourselves about. You can move forward guilt free and acknowledge that it was hard for them regardless of how much you did. Nothing can repair their hurt but you know you supported them and DH the best you could.

You say the DSC who sees you 'treats the place like home'. Not in my book they don't. They treat it like a hotel. In our home we all do our bit. Hotels are costly. Homes give to each member of the family.

And YANBU to expect at least politeness from the DSCs though I think holding people in a position of gratitude for your adult actions when they were children is pushing it a little.

was he still with their mother when you met him ?

oh sorry , you do sby they had been divorced a few years

Why do you think they are so bitter? What happened in the past, do you know. If they were small when you came on the scene and your DH had already been divorced a few year, they must have been very young indeed when their parents split.

Also, why were they having rough time at home?

Sorry for all the questions but it seems quite relevant to me, from personal experience.

Meanwhile I agree you (well ideally your DH) should tell your DH's DC to fit in and take his/her plates and cups into the kitchen.

Sorry - got caught up today. And I know message cryptic, but v paranoid about being outed. Their DM drank, but got clean when they were still young. She has been clean now for over 15 years. She's only ever gone for deadend jobs, so there hasn't been much money. DSCs have a lot of people who care about them, and who've tried to see they're ok, but I can see it's still hard. I don't so much want gratitude, as some recognition that we did try, even though the situation was tough. The comments are often about poor DM, who doesn't earn much, (but she has 2 degrees and chose not to apply for anything other than shop jobs. )

Yes step mothers are the last in the pecking order, I know exactly where you are coming from. Their loss IMHO.

Children need love, not money.

Does your dh get in touch with the DC who doesn't get in touch with you? He's the parent, he needs to be extending a hand (even if only periodically) to give them the chance to return it.