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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not speak to my 5 yr old on Christmas day?

45 replies

jinglemel · 25/12/2013 23:31

She's with her father, he collected her last night. We had our Christmas day on Monday and to me the actual date isn't that important - dd isn't fussed either. He knew we were having our Christmas then but didn't ask to speak to her then nor see, speak to or ask after her for the three weeks beforehand. He rarely has her for more than one night but on the odd occasion he's had her for two he's sometimes encouragedher to call me but if she starts deviating from what he's whispering to tell me (usually what he's bought) while I'm on loud speaker and she instead begins to talk about our home life he instantly puts the tv on so she's like a zombie and doesn't talk anymore.

She's back home tomorrow so when he said he'd get her to call me I said not to worry and to just enjoy their Christmas. Cue a text after she was in bed tonight telling me I'm a cold heartless bitch for not wanting to speak to my child on Christmas day

AIBU?

OP posts:

ravenAK · 26/12/2013 02:08

Ah. VVell if he also stops her ringing you if she wants to, then he is a total dick.

But it does mean he definitely doesn't get to win when he comes out with the crap you described in your OP.

'Did she want to speak to me?' -> no, she was fine, never mentioned it --> 'Don't be so bloody silly then, it would only have unsettled her if I'd rung, which is why I didn't, as, if you remember, I told you I wouldn't at the outset.'

'Did she want to speak to me?' > yes she did, but I told her she couldn't -> 'Right, so tell me again who's depriving our child of speaking to her parent on Xmas Day?'

He's a complete twat, isn't he?

perfectstorm · 26/12/2013 02:42

He wanted you to call so he could be an arse to you. As you didn't, he had to find some other way to be an arse to you. YANBU, and thank God you left the tosser - at least his idiocy is now occasional, not fulltime.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2013 03:10

He sounds a complete arse, but you are being the bigger person by supporting your DD having a relationship with her DF, jingle.

It must be painful for you at this time of year, especially with all the crap gameplaying. i dont have a solution Im afraid, I guess all you can do is rise above it, no point trying to get him to change, as he is playing games and pushing your hot-buttons. Maybe when DD is older she can have independence to call you by you providing her with a mobile.

Little people don't stay little forever. She will one day be an adult and will judge the situation for herself.

middleeasternpromise · 26/12/2013 08:21

Don't respond, ignore the behaviour if you give any kind of response it only makes them worse.

rainbowfeet · 26/12/2013 08:30

If dd (10.5) is with her Dad for a night or 2 (rarely more) I don't phone her as it is her time with her dad & my time to chill (not so much now since ds was born) but any longer than 2 days or Christmas/birthday then I would call yes.

davidtennantsmistress · 26/12/2013 08:33

Xmas day is the only day I ring ds if he's with his dad, oh and once mid week if he's got him for a week, but that's all. Just to say merry Christmas about 9.30-10 after pressies etc etc.

Xh chooses not to ring ds on Xmas day when he's with me but that's his choice to do so.

youarewinning · 26/12/2013 08:39

lauries reply is brilliant.

He does sound like a dick and very controlling. You are handling this very well and the day your DD realises what he really is is the day she can decide for herself about visits.

TheGreatHunt · 26/12/2013 08:40

Why is this man allowed contact? And why did you let him win? I would have spoken to dd. screw his games.

Can you keep a record of the texts etc and use it to renegotiate? Because this sounds awfully damaging to a little girl even if only infrequently. These things stick.

monicalewinski · 26/12/2013 08:40

With regards to phoning, not unreasonable. She's away one night - at 5, she doesn't need to speak to you every day.

With regards to your ex - what a wanker. If you'd phoned, he'd have made it a shitty call, you didn't so he's got a stick to beat you with. Rise above it - you had your xmas together, you respected her time with her dad.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 26/12/2013 09:23

What an arse. He's bringing the day ever closer when she turns to him and says "Daddy, why are you such a complete loser?".

DD's best friend openly refers to her birth father as The Fuckwit. Not something I'd like on my tombstone.

springysofa · 26/12/2013 10:03

Bigger person, or sending her into the lions den?

he is an abusive shit, why would it be important she has a relationship with him? He has proved he will use her to abuse you, why are you sending her there?

yes, support a relationship between a decent, loving father and his kid but no, don't support a relationship between an abusive father and his kid. It's not a blanket rule, you need to tailor it if there is abuse - and don't get into fearing you're looking like the parent who is witholding contact, therefore laying down like a doormat (or laying her down, to be more accurate). He's constantly setting you up, using her . That is damaging for her, don't send her there.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/12/2013 10:07

Yabu for sending her there in the first place to be used as a pawn in some twisted PA revenge game.

How you have handled it so well I don't know. Your a bigger person than me!!

Your poor dd

procrastinatingagain · 26/12/2013 10:16

I'm also wondering why he has the privilege of having your ds for christmas day when it sounds like he doesn't bother with her much for the rest of the time? Does she enjoy visiting him? It sounds pretty controlling of him to insist on Xmas day out of all the days in the year he could have her. It makes me realise how lucky me and ds are that exp is fairly reasonable and (usually) puts ds before himself.

feelingdizzy · 26/12/2013 10:18

This is a hard time for you,I understand have negotiated many a Xmas with my ex. It has got easier as they have got older, mine love their dad but sadly recognise he is a dick sometimes.
My kids now only see their dad every 4 to 6 weeks, he moved away.I don't speak to them when they are with them, they have said it makes it harder.
It is hard to have to choose what will cause the least harm to your child, seeing their dick of a father or not seeing him.All I can say years down the line , having a relationship with the real man, does seem to be better than not.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/12/2013 10:44

You did fine.
Your motivation appears to have been to avoid conflict with your dickhead ex and to do the best for your dd. who could ask more?
He is being a knob. Obviously.

pixiepotter · 26/12/2013 13:13

I think the pair of you need to grow up and stop treating your child as a pawn.

Original poster

jinglemel · 26/12/2013 13:24

What did I do wrong pixie, in your opinion?

For those asking why he has contact - him being abusive to me isn't grounds to stop contact. Yes he's a shit dad and a dick but he isn't harmful to dd and it's up to her to make decisions about her relationship with him, not me. Already she's beginning to see him for what he is, which is sad. He has Christmas contact because she does like his family and they are good people

OP posts:

greenfolder · 26/12/2013 19:09

The only thing you need to text back is "you have my number solely to arrange contact with dd. Please stop using it for any other purpose"

perfectstorm · 26/12/2013 19:12

Seconding greenfolder.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 26/12/2013 19:16

Yadnbu

Yes, on paper, nice to talk to your daughter. In reality though, it sounds like a nasty little game played by your ex, which you avoided becoming embroiled in. I think you did the right thing. Perhaps talk to your dd tomorrow, to say that even though you didn't speak, you were thinking of her constantly, wondering what she was doing, hoping she was having fun and now you are over the moon that you are back with her.

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