Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Tentative 1st aibu

24 replies

jobesaurus · 25/12/2013 01:00

Have been lurking for a while so understand that if I am being unreasonable I will be told so here goes. I have 2 children and they're both scared of dogs. I have been in contact with someone who specialises in exposure therapy in order to help them overcome their fear as I know that they can't avoid dogs forever. In the meantime though is it very out of order to ask that family members don't take their dogs where my kids are going to be?
We're supposed to be visiting family later on today but dh's cousin has said she's taking her dogs to family members house despite knowing that it'll terrify my kids. So my choice is really, take them and have them clinging and crying until we leave or simply not go despite it being a sensitive day for the family( it's the anniversary of dh's grans passing) Dh doesn't want us to go but he's more hard faced than me and so isn't as bothered about upsetting people as I am. Are we really being unreasonable by not having the kids upset and crying for a part of Christmas day?!

OP posts:

RhondaJean · 25/12/2013 01:02

There will be people along to disagree but I don't think YAbu at all. By on earth would you take your dog to a party, it's a dog.

And if you know it will upset children there even more so, also you re addressing the issue with the fear.

Some people however view their dogs as being equal to humans.

PowerPants · 25/12/2013 01:04

I don't think you would be unreasonable at all but then I am allergic to dogs so have similar issues. Kids come before dogs particularly on Christmas Day!

eightandthreequarters · 25/12/2013 01:07

YANBU. Don't go. I'm sure you'll help your children work through their fear, but it's unlikely to take effect by this afternoon!

softlysoftly · 25/12/2013 01:09

Tell her the dogs stay home or you do.

Finlaggan · 25/12/2013 01:09

YANBU.

how far away is the family? could your DH stop by for an hour and explain why the children are not there at least that way he gets to say hello to those he wants/needs to.

I wouldn't take my children under these circumstances. Christmas should be full of fun and good memories not stress and upset.

Iamsparklyknickers · 25/12/2013 01:11

As an animal lover I don't think YABU to keep the kids away if they won't keep the dogs away.

You have recognised it's an issue and are working on it, so why put them in a stressful situation that could set them back further? Maybe next year, but as things stand, no.

I love the chance to fuss an animal, but it's just manners to respect someones fear, especially on a day like Christmas. The dogs don't care and will cope with being put in a separate room/not taken for a couple of hours. A good owner would walk them to death early on in the day, make sure they've had a good feed and let them doze. It's hardly cruelty.

DevonFolk · 25/12/2013 01:12

Is the cousin staying overnight at this place or will she just be there for a couple of hours? If it's the latter yanbu. If it's the former then it could be that she has no other option. Can it be shut away somewhere if she insists on bringing it?

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 01:13

I would actually say the opposite. I work with dogs and have had several friends with kids who were terrified of dogs who I have helped overcome their fear.

As long as the dogs are trustworthy socialised dogs, and there is enough space, I would personally make the decision to never avoid the situation which causes the anxiety. It doesn't help to move forward. In my experience, if the parent gives a clear message to the child that they are safe, and firmly re-iterates that message, the child adjusts quite quickly and without trauma.

Are you or your husband wary or nervous around dogs? Often if you are and can manage to do the same for yourselves it trickles down. I would seek out dog owning families and go for maximum exposure.

softlysoftly · 25/12/2013 01:19

Yes trash ops children sould spend Christmas Day terrified in the name of exposure therapy.

DD is terrified of dogs and cats, it's certainly not "trickle down" as I've always had both. I push her to interact whenever I get the chance and am hoping she grows out of it.

But on perhaps the one day of the year she should be able to relax and have fun I wouldn't push it just for the sake of it.

The cousin is being selfish animals come second.

Original poster

jobesaurus · 25/12/2013 01:25

Thanks for your replies. Cousin is just visiting for the day and we live close enough for dh to pop by alone for an hour, that's what I'm pushing for him to do but he's annoyed and doesn't want to go! Both dogs are jump up at you types who are very easily excited, if they were docile things I'd prob not have an issue but think lively festivities, lively dogs and frightened kids are a dreadful combination. I'd actually got youngest child won round to dogs until one of the dogs who'll be present tomorrow nipped him.
I'm not scared of dogs neither is dh. Wasps, though are another story!

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 25/12/2013 01:30

You are definitely nbu to avoid going if you don't want to be around dogs. You would also nbu to have a conversation with the cousin to ask if it would be possible to leave the dog at home this time. I think you would be a bit u to expect to decide that the dog cannot come, only the host could do that (and assuming they're a family member I van understand them not wanting to pick sides).

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 01:33

I think the point is that they are usually adaptable and if everyone is acting normally around the dog it really quickly stops being an issue. That has been my own personal experience. I don't think it would be ok for ops dc to be terrified all day, and I'm sorry your dc is frightened. I take it you don't own any pets now?

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 01:36

I was giving my opinion softly - your reply is a little harsh. I wasn't saying she had to. She was asking...

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 01:39

If the dogs are nippy and jumpy up, then it's a very different scenario. And as it's your husbands family, and he feels strongly, I guess it's a no brainer. Good luck with the exposure therapy

PansOnFire · 25/12/2013 01:41

YANBU. I have a dog, I also have a child. I understand that I cannot always take my dog with me because some people don't take kindly to dogs. I especially don't take her to places where there are many children or where the atmosphere is likely to be lively; both of these situations would stress any dog out and that does not lead to a calm and 'rational' animal. Your cousin is being unfair on your children but also on her dogs who can't explain that that are wound up or scared, they can only express in ways which appear aggressive. Your children's fear will also make the dogs uneasy and nervous which makes them more lively and unpredictable. This situation is not good for anyone, your children should not have to endure a day of fear and the dogs shouldn't have to be under immense pressure all day. Your cousin is not only being unreasonable by taking the dogs to this situation but she's being neglectful. I think ou should speak to your cousin.

softlysoftly · 25/12/2013 01:43

Sorry Trash a little oversensitive maybe as people assume DDs terror is my doing and easily undone, in reality it's from a little fear which could have been fine but the dsis allowed her bouncy huge puppy choc lab off lead one day the second I was out of sight and it chased DD down. Didn't bite but still knocked her for 6.

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 01:59

Ah softly how I feel your pain. Having been a dog owner in my life, I was between dogs when dts arrived. They developed a sudden terror of dogs, for the life of me I couldn't understand. I found out months later when I bumped into a friend of my ex. He was with his Jack Russell, who was insane and threw himself snarling at the kids - who were still in a phil and teds pushchair at the time - quite low to the ground, and really came close to them. I stood speechless for a second as the dog boinged about on the end of the lead, and said friend laughed, and described how the dog had regularly done that when ex had the children and they saw him! Foaming was not the word!!

softlysoftly · 25/12/2013 02:07

Yeah very funny! Honestly some people cannot see things from a kids pov.

Tbf to dsis she thought she has mastered recall, she hadn't! And it's still bonkers so she pens him when dd is there. Damage done though.

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 02:21

Oh dear! Hopefully the dog will eventually slow down - they can be pretty full on though, Labs. Yes, damage done - bet dsis feels dreadful though.....

I had to bombard my dcs as work demanded it - I changed career a few years ago and now run a doggy hotel and a doggy day care (for naice family type dogs only!!) plus my dp of two years has a little staffy, so fortunately the dcs are very dog confident these days.

softlysoftly · 25/12/2013 02:31

Doubt it dsis dp won't have him castrated and plays rough and tumble then wonders why he nips. We've always had labs and they are bats at the best of times. Her dog though, she keeps him safe so there won't be anyone else affected.

Planning to start with a kitten for dd and work our way up. She's a funny bugger though, rides ponies but leads from a mile away to stay away from the teeth! Only 4 so hopefully will be as confident as yours eventually.

trashcanjunkie · 25/12/2013 17:28

For the life of me I cannot fathom why people leave their dogs intact if they aren't breeding which we don't bloody need anyway

winkywinkola · 25/12/2013 17:39

Yanbu. I love dogs but hate dogs that jump up and are bonkers.

I've got two labs and I've trained them not to jump up. It's not hard. They are clever dogs.

Just don't go. No scene or drama. If the cousin is that kind if doggy person then there's often no telling him or her.

maddening · 25/12/2013 18:31

trashcan - that's all very well and good but a Christmas family get together is neither the time nor the place to start exposure therapy - the op is addressing it with a professional in the new year - right now if the cousin and host both know the op won't be able to go due to the dog then the cousin ibu for bringing the dog and host ibu to allow it - essentially excluding the op and her dc in favour of a dog - totally unreasonable especially at Christmas

MammaTJ · 25/12/2013 20:26

DD doesn't like strange dogs and only just tolerates ours (who was here before her).

I totally understand and would happily remove my dog from the room if you visited us.

Flip