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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My first MIL thread - stockings for DCs

99 replies

ceeveebee · 24/12/2013 22:02

Go gentle on me - I genuinely am not sure if I'm being unreasonable here
Am staying at PILs for Xmas at their insistence- I'd have been quite happy to stay at home tbh

We have 2 yo (just turned 2) DTs who don't really "get" the whole Christmas thing yet - only saw Santa for the first time yesterday, don't really know much about what Santa is supposed to do/be etc.

MIL just told me she has had two personalised stockings made with their names on and has filled them with little presents, all from them, and wants to put them in their cots. Now of course I appreciate the fact they've bought presents for them but really, I would have liked to arrange their first stockings myself (next year, when I think they'll be ready). And we have been here for the last 3 days and this has just been mentioned now when it's clearly been planned for a while. Never asked me whether I was doing stockings myself.

I said no, they can open them downstairs with their other presents when we've all got up. They sleep really well and I have to wake then at 8 each morning so why risk them rolling onto their stockings and waking up early. And on their birthday 4 weeks ago I had to sit there and help open all presents as they just weren't that bothered.

Don't want to drip feed so will declare now that this is not the first time I have felt my toes being trodden on -I could give a long list but don't want to seem bitter

Am I being precious? DH couldn't care less btw

OP posts:

lljkk · 25/12/2013 14:30

My kids' first ever stockings came from my cousin when we stayed with her one year. I felt so grateful!

perfectstorm · 25/12/2013 21:38

I'd hate anyone else to do my children's stockings. It's a parents' job and my mum and MIL both loved doing it when they had young kids. Now it's my turn, and in fairness I very much doubt either would want to take that from me. It's one of the perks of parenting IMO, and nobody else should seek to take one of the best bits of the childcare year without checking if that's okay. In this house, the answer would be no.

They won't remember or understand, though. Just get in early next year when it actually counts.

soverylucky · 25/12/2013 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

traininthedistance · 26/12/2013 01:42

agree it's toe treading - MIL has been here this Xmas (have just posted on another MIL thread!) and has done the same. She made a big fuss last weekend asking @who was being Santa this year" and I told her firmly that I had done a stocking for DD. Cue this morning and she trundles in after DD has opened her stocking from us with another stocking.

In her case it definitely is (as a previous poster said) wanting to muscle in and be a parent again (we have a lot of trouble with her doing this, she tried to get DD to call her mummy - not kidding! - and is always claiming credit for things DD does ("I taught her to clap", "I taught her to stand up" etc. when it's just bobbins). I try to bite my tongue but the stocking thing did annoy me: it is the parents' prerogative and it ruins the whole Father Christmas thing if granny is in the background proffering another one and saying "look what I - oops, I mean Santa! - got her"..... Arrghhhhh!

CheerfulYank · 26/12/2013 01:55

I don't see the harm (wouldn't put them in the beds though) but I'm American and we don't have stockings in beds anyway :)

My parents did stockings for my DC this year as well as me, DH, and my brother, when we went to stay with them last weekend. Santa brought them presents in their stockings at our home on Christmas Eve.

sweetmelissa · 26/12/2013 09:52

Oh dear...

I did my baby grandson a stocking for his first Christmas this year (and also one for his parents, and my other children, foster children, and my husband and parents/PIL) and I had no idea that this would be thought of as unreasonable. I just intended it as a loving/fun gesture for everyone. Reading the majority of the replies to this thread though, perhaps I should apologise to my DD...whoops, I hope she forgives me!

Thanks MN, in my own little world here and didn't realise I was being selfish.

SauceForTheGander · 26/12/2013 10:01

I'm going against the majority to say I don't think this is big deal - mainly because they won't remember any of this - in fact all Christmas memories are going to be a bit hazy until they are 4.

So the issue isn't about the DTs - it's about the battle of the mothers and interpretation - and that's something only you can address. You can choose to see someone stepping on your toes or you can see someone over excited about Christmas and trying to be nice.

My own DM is a pain for over stepping the mark and undermining and controlling so I get the issue. But pick battles and let the nicer gestures go. Especially when the kids aren't even going to have any recollection of Christmas let alone the stocking.

Retropear · 26/12/2013 10:04

It would bug me.I have twins too,had all of my 3 dc in a year.Maybe when having your dc all at once it is knowing you won't have many other firsts ie when each thing goes that is it.

My mil is a major bulldozer and we've never spent Xmas day there with the dc for that reason.I think any non parent should ask re stockings. Grandparents have had their turn and I'll never spoil important traditions for my dc.Would never dare to tread on dd's toes now or in the future,she is major feisty.

My mil has made stockings for Dp's kids every year so not saying anything has meant she has taken over and sil has never done one.

I think you handled it well op but tbh having Christmas in your own home is the way to go if you want to make sure you have full control over your own traditions.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2013 10:04

Doing a stocking for your GC is not unreasonable and I don't think anyone on here intended to imply it was. However, checking with the parent first so as not to tread on any toes, and to avoid wasteful duplication, is a good idea, and ignoring their known plans in favour of your own is selfish, even when it's about giving. I'm sure you didn't do it the "wrong" way. No need to be prickly.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/12/2013 10:05

(That was to sweetmelissa btw.)

SauceForTheGander · 26/12/2013 10:22

Sweetmelissa - Christmas at your place sounds ace. My DPs haven't bought me a present for years let alone done stockings!

sweetmelissa · 26/12/2013 10:24

Thanks for your thoughts, Annie - and sorry did not mean to come across as prickly. I have always done stockings for anyone that comes here for Christmas and therefore included the baby in that this year too - you are right though I should have asked my daughter first. I can certainly see that it was selfish and controlling of me not to - thanks again!

sweetmelissa · 26/12/2013 10:29

Thank you, Sauce! Sorry about your DPs - hope you had a nice day though!

Bodicea · 26/12/2013 10:35

My mum did my 8 week old baby a stocking which we opened in the afternoon when we came round. I didn't bother but got a couple of presents. Next year I will do a stocking but I imagine she will still do one anyway. Will just say santas been twice when we get to hers. I can't see a problem with two. I suppose if we were staying there I wod just put them together in one stocking, whichever was biggest.
Having said that She is my mum. I might feel my toes were stepped on a bit more if it was mother in law. Don't know why so get where op is coming from!

SillyMillyOnAHilly · 26/12/2013 10:37

As always communication is the key

MavisDee · 26/12/2013 10:38

Yanbu, this would really annoy me. Stockings is a job for parents, we did one for our 8 month old and it might be silly but it was a really special little moment for us. It may not seem a big deal now and some may see if as precious but what happens if she wants to do this every year and your twins do understand about Santa? It will just confuse them. Very toe tready! I probably am being precious but silly little moments like that really matter to me.

DziezkoDisco · 26/12/2013 10:42

I would be over the moon in my PILs gave even a little bit of a shit compared to that. FIL has met them once in 6 years (his choice) and MIL is playing serious favourites with BIL kids and gave them all about a third of what she gave the other DGs.

Lt them enjoy being GPs and let your DTs enjoying having GPs that love them.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/12/2013 10:54

I think people underestimate the potential for attachment between GCs and gps. It's harsh to say that when ppl do lovely things for the little ones that they just want their own babies back. I could not be more in love with my dcs. It's a deep and fierce and at times, overwhelming feeling.
I understand that some grandparents experience a similar/ same level of love for their grandchildren.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/12/2013 10:56

Oh, and what sauceforthegander said.

fluffyraggies · 26/12/2013 11:07

Neither my parents or my (now X) ILs ever tried to do 'Santa coming to their house as well'.

I would have been a bit miffed i think. Trying to understand why exactly ...

... and i think it would be to do with the fact that XDH and i always made quite a big thing about santa coming (separate wrapping paper, leaving out mince pie and a note, putting fire out early so he could get down chimney, making sure you are asleep, did you hear him on the roof??! ... all that malarky) Excitement levels were at fever pitch by bed time

My parents did it like this for me when i was a kid, and the magic and excitement for me was amazing. I felt so special that santa was coming to our house. My parents wouldn't have tried to do it for their GCs too. It would have just been odd.

traininthedistance · 26/12/2013 11:10

AmandaClarke of course, and I think most GPs on this thread mean very well and then it's a nice gesture. In my MIL's case though she has longstanding and intractable issues being controlling and having poor boundaries with DH which have affected him deeply (she was a suffocating parent and still overrides his autonomy on anything she can). So the stocking issue is an extension of that which, even though she thinks she means well, is actually very undermining. It's not just in isolation, it's of a piece with her inviting herself to stay for days on end without asking, lots of deeply PA behaviour, especially towards me, and a fair few eccentricities of her own as well! What she would dearly like would be that I would disappear somehow and that she could move in with DH and become surrogate mother to my DD (and has said as much).

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/12/2013 11:12

traininthedistance well some ppl really do take the piss, I can't argue with that.

sweetmelissa · 26/12/2013 12:17

Mavis Dee - so glad you had the special moment opening your babies first stocking. A lovely special time to treasure.

My DD and SIL did that too and also said how special a moment it was. As I said earlier I did the baby (and everyone else) a stocking when they came to us for dinner later on. Although I had not considered it at all before reading this thread I do now understand many parents do not like grandparents to do this. Trouble is I have always done it for anyone who visits us at Christmas, this year baby grandchild included. As you are a new mum could I ask your advice on what to do next year so as not to tread on my DD's toes? A serious question btw, hope this does not come across as sarcastic, it isn't meant to really. I wondering now if the whole stocking thing for everyone is a bit silly and if I should drop it for next year completely - just doing big presents instead.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2013 12:48

sweetmelissa

It's a lovely tradition which presumably your DD knows you do?

So carry on!

NoComet · 26/12/2013 12:55

What's it matter who does stockings or indeed if DCs get two stockings or no stockings.

I didn't have a sticking until DMIL did me one at 20. My Nan sometimes did bags of bits, My DM fought stocking fillers were an utter waste of money.

It's a total non issue.

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