Or is my DB about my decision to spend xmas day on our own

[drivingmisslazy]

Back story, we used to spend every Christmas day alternating with my parents to do xmas day at each others house. DB would also come but never host as his place was too small and his gf doesn't 'do' cooking.

I used to find this an incredible stressful time for many reasons.

My mum would always do it all, stress herself out not let anyone help and then be in a mood the rest of the day, she would snap and it would be pretty unpleasant, I spoke to her about it several times and offered to help, but she always said she could manage. She always insisted on dinner being served up at 12, which usually meant by the time the kids got up we had to pretty much rush the morning to be at my mums at 11 as per her request. I suggested we arrive a little later as it was a rush and always told I should organize my day better so I could get there on time.

When it was their time to come here, I said later dinner at 2 come from 12 onwards, I would get comments like, dont rush with dinner I had lunch before I came as I can not get used to this eating a main in the middle of the afternoon, the next time it was at ours we had a 1pm dinner time but it overran to 1.20 pm, cue lots of comments about being starved and if she knew it was going to be late she would of brought a snack !!!! its her way and no-one apart from me will say anything to her about her behaviour so its always me that is the unreasonable one(in her eyes), well xmas 2011 I had had enough and snapped that next xmas I want to spend it at home just the 4 of us (dh & ds & dd). Did not go down to well, especially in Sept when mum tried to confirm it is at hers, I stuck to my guns and had xmas day just us, and I had to admit it was the best xmas day ever, no stress no madness. The thought of going to mums again this year was enough to get my anxiety up, so after talking to dh, ds & dd who all loved our xmas last year we agreed we all wanted to do the same and have it just us 4.

DB has had a right sulk saying I am being out of order, and selfish for making mum unhappy about not spending the day with her grandchildren. We do see then over xmas but just not on the day. Apparently she said to him boxing day is not the same, and db thinks I should be thinking of others at Christmas and not just about me. I explained that it was not enjoyable and very stressful, and he thinks that is what xmas with family is all about. AIBU to want a stress free xmas day?

YANBU. Enjoy your day and well done for having the guts to go for it! Merry Christmas!

If your DCs wanna stay at home, then stay at home, it cant be fun for them to have a stressed out snappy GM.

Having a nice relaxed xmas is much better, and you can get the booze out with DH later

You are thinking about others. You're thinking about your poor kids and dh who've had to put up with that madness for years.

Let them sit and stew and be miserable and catty with each other, while you and yours have a relaxed, lovely day.

YANBU. Your brother probably just doesn't want to put up with your mum being grumpy on his own, and wants more people there to diffuse any tension.

Point out to your brother that your mums happiness is no more important then yours, your DHs and your children's, and it's actually him that's being selfish for wanting to spoil your happiness.

I don't blame you for wanting to be at home !

It's a bit rich your db saying to you that you should be thinking of others and not just yourself at Xmas , that's exactly what your mums doing !

Anyway , you are thinking of others ! You are making your own family's Xmas better by spending time with your H and dcs at home where THEY want to be !

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You have to do what suits you, your DH and your DCs best. Your mum will have people around her. There is no reason to feel guilty.

Maybe your DB is a bit envious because you are going to have the Christmas Day you want...

Tell your DB to keep his beak out and if he's so concerned about your mum then maybe he could host Christmas dinner.

YANBU.

I have not spent Christmas Day with any family members since 1996, and that was because I gave birth on Chrsitmas Eve. I didn't want them to come!.

We've always said people are welcome on any other day, just not the day it's self. We have a lovely relaxed day, just me, DH and the kids. This year it's just me and the kids because DH is away in the Forces.

I see so many threads on here with all the stress and angst and am so glad we have stuck to our guns all these years.

Thanks all I did not think I was being out of order. Yes kids don't like it and would rather be here.

Noctilucent that word martyr is exactly what my dh said she does.

YANBU

Your mum can't have it both ways - she can't go around refusing all offers of help, putting on the martyr act and by extension making everyone around her miserable and then get all huffy when people decide that they would rather not repeat the same grim experience.

You are thinking of others, you are thinking of your oh and kids.
Sounds like your mother needs to accept that she is the grandmother now, not the mother and Christmas is different now.
Stick to your guns and enjoy your day.

Not unreasonable, but I do take exception to the comment about the girlfriend not doing cooking. Why not say that your brother doesn't do cooking?

And who in the world eats their lunch at 12 noon on Christmas Day!

Your DB is just bitter that you've got out of it and that he's stuck because he's too idle to cook.

Good point, Brownsauce. What is stopping him cooking? Do his balls get in the way of the gravy pan?

YANBU and I admire you for being so clear and honest with your family about why you are spending it with yours. DB is pissed that you are having fun and he hasn't the guts to do the same.

I have experience of a mum who is insistent on hosting and yet looks throughly miserable most of the day. This year I've made some changes too and it feels great - I'm actually excited about Christmas!

BrownSauceSandwich, my brother grew up with mum doing everything, men do nothing except go out to work, women do everything else. He is very lazy and would never entertain the idea of cooking. My dh usually cooks the xmas dinner to give me a day off (and usually does a better job than me) that was always another source of comments from my mum. I am sure sil is capable of cooking but seeing how much mum pulls people apart probably comes up with that line to avoid any comments.

It feels great doesn't it Andanotherthing123