to not collect the gifts

[teacherandguideleader]

This may be confusing but I'll try to explain the best I can.

I am going to my mum's for Christmas - it will be our last Christmas just me and her before DP and I take over the reigns and start hosting Christmas for both our families. I was meant to see my dad this weekend but he cancelled (no great surprise but left me really upset - he has form for this).

My dad has left my presents with another relative who will be alone on Christmas. The whole family has tried to include her but she refuses and says she would rather be alone (probably for the sympathy vote off others). The only person she would spend time with is my dad and he is now hundreds of miles away.

I can't help but feel like my dad leaving the gifts there is a way to try and control my day as I will now have to go and collect them - and obviously I won't be able to just drop by as it is Christmas. I also think it is Dad's way of ensuring this relative has a visitor on Christmas. I visit this relative regularly but the relationship is strained as she is vile to my mum.

My Christmas day is quite busy as it is as I will take DP to his parents, stay there for a cuppa then drive the miles to my mum's. I really don't want to collect the gifts, my dad has hurt me so many times and this latest cancellation has made me feel rubbish all over again. If I collect the gifts on my way to my mum's, I'll be really late for lunch and won't be able to help mum out but if I was to collect them later I can't have a drink with lunch (trivial I know). I also feel guilty and that I've hurt my dad's feelings by not collecting them (not that he cares about mine).

Would it be unreasonable to not collect them? Or do I just need to suck it up and spend the day driving here and there?

Any chance you can get them today?

Just collect them Boxing Day

I can't collect them today as I live miles away - a journey I will do tomorrow morning. I'll be leaving early Boxing day to return home for a second Christmas with DP.

If you're certain this relative has shunned all offers of company, then I wouldn't go on the day. Your day is already planned, if it was so important to your dad for you to open your presents on the day, then he should have either not cancelled on you, or asked you how best to get the presents to you in time. He doesn't get to control your plans for the day, that's not on. If you don't have time, you don't have time. Presents are not the be all and end all of Christmas day. You can always collect them later and open them then.

Just don't collect them. I don't get the dilemma.

Thanks. I don't care about the gifts - I wanted to see him. I am certain she has shunned all offers of help - both invites to dinner and to take her to the home her husband is in (who have also offered to have her for dinner so she is not alone).

Agree, leave them there. Get on with seeing people who want to see you, it's much more important.

Drop DP & explain nicely that you haven't got time for a cuppa with them because you need to call in on a relative who will be alone. The relative may not be your cup of tea either, but you can pop in, explain that you're enroute & you've promised to help with the veg. You've got it out of the way (so it's not lurking over you) and can enjoy the rest of your day.

The dilemma is in a rather rocky family, it is likely to cause even more problems. I also have huge feelings of guilt that I may upset my dad, which is ridiculous as he doesn't reciprocate!

I was just about to say exactly what MrsMango said.

I can see it will cause problems, but you don't need to own them. Both these people, the unidentified female relative and your dad are responsible. They are adults, they've made their decisions.

Dropping DP without staying is a good idea, however, that will annoy DP as he is fed up of my dad's antics (quite understandably - it is an ongoing saga). I really like my 'inlaws' (shock, horror) and don't want to create a situation there either.

I really am dammed whatever I do as someone will get upset and I don't really want to spend the day with someone being pissed off with me.

Is this the truth of it?

1. Your dad decided to cancel arrangements and chose not to see you on the weekend. He decided to leave the presents at ufr?
2. Your ufr decided she'd rather spend Christmas alone, despite numerous invites?
3. You have decided you don't want to spend a minute more of your Christmas in the car driving rather than sitting down with loved ones enjoying Christmas food and drink?

Has anyone actually told you that you must go and collect the presents on Christmas Day? Or have you just identified that as the logical result of everyone else's behaviour? Even if they have (but I can't remember you saying this) that's not to say you have to.

Your dad could have mailed the parcels to you. I don't think you should feel guilty for not going to pick them up, it is a busy day for you, and isn't your responsibility. Pick them up another day, at your convenience, or wait for your dad to return, so he "can see you open them". Said with innocent smile.

YANBU. Get them another time.

Get them another time or let dad drop them off some time. Not your problem