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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Aaarrgh! Christmas and my Mother

17 replies

Ladyflip · 24/12/2013 06:07

I'm venting on here so I don't actually kill her. I love her dearly but she only arrived yesterday afternoon and I can't sleep cos I'm so annoyed.

She is so flaming tight. We are feeding her and Dad like kings for three days and she has brought two bottles of wine, a small fruit salad and half a lemon soufflé. And then announced that she will be taking back any leftover fruit salad to take to my sister's on Boxing Day.

Meanwhile, we have a family get together at hers next week. She has already announced she wants me to bring some turkey, a tongue, cheese, a terrine, and maybe i could bring a pud? Oh, and could I have some venison to make a New Year's Eve main course for me and 12 of my friends? Combined with "I'm so glad you are coming for a buffet. Buying a whole roast joint to feed you all is so expensive", I may have to say something. Except I can't, so I'm moaning on here.

Money is not an issue btw. Although she is possibly rich because she won't spend it.

Oh, and the competitive "who is busier and has the most stress" is wearing me down too. You have a part time job and retired Dad does most of the housework. I have a part time job, DS6, DD5, and a DH who works an average 90 hour week. STOP whinging about how you had to get up before you went to bed because you had too much to do.

I think I've done enough to cope with the cats bum face when the right brand of cereal is not available at breakfast.

I'm probably about to get a flaming. I do love her and am trying to make it a lovely christmas for all my family. I even cooked her favourite meal last night.

OP posts:

doodlemama · 24/12/2013 06:38

Hard isn't it, because there is so much you know you could really say no to but if you do, YOU'RE the baddy! Stay strong and count the days. The kids will hopefully provide some lovely and welcome distractions!!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/12/2013 06:39

No flaming from me. Rant away

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/12/2013 06:41

Oh. We had chinese food last night.
My fortune cookie read: "stay cam. Even when you don't agree"
You can have it (I have already absorbed the wisdom )

Original poster

Ladyflip · 24/12/2013 06:50

Stay calm will be my mantra....

Thanks ladies, just needed to get it off my chest. Will go and have a strong coffee

OP posts:

Greedygirl · 24/12/2013 06:57

I love my parents and wish they were coming here for Xmas but they drive me nuts! I probably drive them nuts too! Rant away! Do you drink?! I don't drink lots but vodka and tonic gets me through many a Xmas buffet with the ILs.

Original poster

Ladyflip · 24/12/2013 07:03

Oh yes, I drink!! But it might lower my ability to remain calm, so will hold off for a bit. Plus, 7 am is a bit early, even on Christmas Eve. At risk of sounding like DM, I have a lot to do today!! Oh God, I'm turning into her, aren't i?!

OP posts:

Greedygirl · 24/12/2013 07:10

That's the worst of it, the fear that you are really just like them! My mum is sooooo blunt and people say I am straight to the point which makes me wince! Will she pitch in?

eagerbeagle · 24/12/2013 07:14

Nod and smile OP, nod and smile.

I get all the chippy comments from my mom about the general disarray of my house. "I just couldn't live with all the bits lying about". Sorry mom, you and dad are retired, I work FT and have 2 small DCs. My dear mother also forgets she had a full time housekeeper my nan when she worked FT.

As I said nod and smile

Original poster

Ladyflip · 24/12/2013 07:18

Yes, she's actually very good at helping with kitchen stuff. She's promised DD that she will make chocolate truffles with her too. Thank you, I've found a positive about them being here. Will try and focus on that!

My DH claims that DM has an ambient gin level. Too little, and she is a pita, too much and she gets too feisty. But keep her gin levels just right and she's bearable!

OP posts:

NotJustACigar · 24/12/2013 08:08

I guess I'm very blunt but I wouldn't sit and fume and let the resentment build. I would definitely speak up and say something! Why not just say mum, we need to talk, I feel taken things are a bit uneven in terms of relative spending on food for the holidays. Can we look at how we can make things a little more balanced? What would she say if you said something like that?

I find that letting resentment build can make relationships feel inauthentic and so sometimes clearing the air really, really helps. But whether it helps or not depends on whether you're dealing with a rational and reasonable person and of course not everyone is!

NotJustACigar · 24/12/2013 08:09

Sorry for typo in my first paragraph, I tried to change "taken advantage of" to "a bit uneven" to make the language less emotive.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 24/12/2013 08:17

I am with Cigar on this. Call her out, politely, on the bigger things. Eg the food - just say you are happy to, or not, but you have already spent a lot this month.

girlywhirly · 24/12/2013 09:59

Make sure you eat all the fruit salad, I don't know why she wants to take some home to your sisters, it will be disintegrating by Boxing day.

Regarding the family get together, say what you are prepared to bring and stick to it. There must be a compromise to be reached somewhere. As for the venison, if this is for a party that you will not be invited to I don't see why you should have to buy it. Why can't your dad have a word with her or is he henpecked?

I know it's irritating when parents go on about things, but I developed a sort of selective deafness about things my mum disapproved of and didn't pay much attention, adding the odd remark such as 'you've told me that before' 'such a shame' 'oh well never mind' as appropriate. It isn't worth getting worked up about.

natwebb79 · 24/12/2013 10:17

I really don't know how/why people 'keep the peace' in these in these situations. My DM used to be a pain in the arse for a variety of different reasons and one day I just decided I'd had enough. I ranted about 10 occasions where she'd been an epic PITA and pointed out that was the tip of the iceberg. I then carried on as if nothing had happened. A week later a received a long letter about how sorry she was and how actually she couldn't remember any of the incidents I highlighted but that she realised she had been very self absorbed and that was probably why. We've been great ever since. Try it.

AngelaDaviesHair · 24/12/2013 11:42

Stop keeping the peace, and tell her (calmly) that you are not bringing all that stuff for a buffet. Or ask her for the money. Honestly, she is being completely unreasonable, why is pointing that out in a polite fashion so unthinkable?

Spinkle · 24/12/2013 12:31

We all say to speak up, but few of us do.

My mother thinks we get on great. We don't, I nod and smile.
Am I about to disabuse her of the fact she hasn't got a blue about me? Nah, probably not but I do feel a growing frustration that leads me to dread her coming for xmas. I feel sad she continues to affect me like that
I just focus in the positives and my kids enjoyment.

Your mother does sound terribly tight though. YANBU!

Spinkle · 24/12/2013 12:32

*clue

Flip