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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never allow my DH step brother to visit again?

29 replies

drumstix · 23/12/2013 09:22

I've name changed as this will out me.

My DH has his step brother to visit about 3 or 4 times a year for a long weekend Thursday to Sunday. They've had these weekends since they were in their early twenties and it basically consists of drinking every night and not getting back until 2am or staying up til then talking or whatever. I deal with our three young dc almost entirely alone for this time.

So far so acceptable.

However the step brother is a total nightmare. If he speaks to the children at all it is to deliberately wind them up or make thinly veiled 'funny' rascist sexist comments that he thinks are great jokes as they go over the dcs heads but it's clear they have a double meaning. I always ask after him, his work, partner, hobbies etc but generally get very short answers rather than a discussion and it feels like Im interviewing him. He not only doesnt ever speak to me but won't even look at me either.(?!) He always deliberately leaves an empty packet of cigarettes and other litter in inaccessable but visible places (a shelf in my stairwell, crammed into my lavendar bushes, behind books in my bookshelf to name but a few).
There's also background stuff which I dont feel I can mention even on an anon place but trust me when I know he does some very ethically dubious activities... and attempts to incite my DH to participate too.
I asked my DH why he behaves so horribly to.me.and he said it's because the step brother sees me as getting in the way of his enjoyment.
AIBU to refuse to have him as a house guest again?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 09:26

In no uncertain terms say to him (in front of your DH), that he is not welcome and will not be coming back, ever!

Then show him the door.

MrsWolowitzYouAMerryChristmas · 23/12/2013 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 23/12/2013 09:27

Tell him and your DH that he is not welcome in your house until he can show you some respect.

And stop being a racist sexiest dickhead.

FFS

BohemianGirl · 23/12/2013 09:27

House jointly owned/rented? cant see your DH wearing that one.

However, I have to say if your DH is facilitating this sort of rudeness, he'd be an Ex-DH very quickly.

Neither of them have much respect for you, your home or children

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2013 09:28

suggest your dh goes to visit his step brother instead and leaves you and the dc home in peace. Or they could meet in a hotel somewhere

callamia · 23/12/2013 09:30

Is your husband ok with him being disrespectful to you and your children? I don't really see why not wanting him in the house should just be coming from you - why is your husband happy with this? This step-brother sounds like a total moron. I wouldn't want him in my house either.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 23/12/2013 09:30

He sounds appalling. I certainly wouldn't have him in my house if he makes sexist and racist comments to my kids so for that alone YANBU.

If DH wants to meet up with him they should go to a hotel or his step brother's house.

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 23/12/2013 09:31

What does that have to do with it, BG? She lives there. She deserves to be treated well when there.

Andrewofgg · 23/12/2013 09:31

Step-brother or half-brother?

If step-brother, make it clear he's not welcome in your home or your life.

If half-brother, make it clear he's not welcome in your home, but you can't expect DH to cut him out of his life and some contact can't be avoided. Just not in your home.

TheGonnagle · 23/12/2013 09:31

I would send dh to see him instead.
If he insists on seeing such a twat, there is no reason you should have to put up with it and then you can have a nice weekend with the dc's. It's not as if they help you with them anyway.....

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 09:31

Bohemian I don't see that DH has a choice here.
Why should the OP have to tolerate someone he can't stand and who is rude and racist? Co-owning a house is irrelevant here.

If my husband hated someone I liked and didn't want them in my house or near my children, I wouldn't just ignore that.

JapaneseMargaret · 23/12/2013 09:32

I suspect suggesting a hotel as their meet-up place would delight them... Hmm

They sound as bad as each other, i.e. grim.

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 09:32

What does your DH do OP?

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 09:32

when this happens (sorry , posted too soon)

HermioneWeasley · 23/12/2013 09:34

Why would your DH think this behaviour is ok?

patienceisvirtuous · 23/12/2013 09:35

Urgh, he sounds vile

I would not want him anywhere near me or my kids. Talk to your husband. What does he think?

Yanbu.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/12/2013 09:46

If you are going to be treated as if you are spoiling his fun then you may as well spoil his fun. So stop letting him come in and disrespect you, your kids and your house. I'd collect all the shit he leaves and give it to him next time he comes and tell him he isn't welcome in your house any more until he grows up and starts respecting other people.

DorothyBastard · 23/12/2013 09:50

Why does your DH invite someone into your home who feels so obviously contemptuous towards you? Doesn't he care that you are made to feel uncomfortable?

ZillionChocolate · 23/12/2013 09:50

I don't think there's any difference between step/half/full brother.

Your husband needs to deal with this. He should not bring him into your joint home if he behaves so anti-socially.

I hope you are also able to have regular adult time where you are relieved of your usual responsibilities.

CalamitouslyWrong · 23/12/2013 09:54

Why on earth doesn't your H say anything when he sees his stepbrother treating you, your children and your house badly? And then to tell you that it's because you're 'spoiling the fun'... Confused

YANBU and I think you need to find out why your H is bring such an arse

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 23/12/2013 09:54

your DH is complicit and therefore either a twat or a spineless knob. he needs to tell the borther to treat his wife, children and home with repsect

Original poster
drumstix · 23/12/2013 09:54

Thanks for replies - I have spoken to my DH about it and he just replied with the step brother isn't going to change and just wants things to be like they were twenty years ago. DH suggested I ask step brother (not blood related) myself about the not engaging me in conversation thing and gets slightly shirty about me fussing.
Japanese Margaret - yes a hotel would delight them and they're meeting up for a sports fixture at a hotel in the spring (which Im not exactly chuffed about given the types of extra curricular activities the step brother suggested when they were there last time).
Actually Im quite gutted about the whole thing because I try really hard to make people welcome and comfortable and it's totally unappreciated and if anything thrown back in my face and then to be let down in support from my DH is obviously also quite hurtful too.

Hadn't considered my DH staying with step brother and his partner - sounds like a plan actually thanks

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 23/12/2013 09:58

It sounds very much like your H wants to paint you as the killjoy/bad guy too. Getting shirty with you because you don't like being treated like shit doesn't make him sound like a great guy.

Absolutely tell him that you won't be hosting his stepbrother any more.

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 09:58

Sounds as if you need to have a word with your DH.

It is totally unacceptable that he doesn't share your concern, or feel that he needs to back you in this.

Don't think his SB is the sole problem here.

edamsavestheday · 23/12/2013 10:01

Agree, his step-brother isn't the only problem here, it's your dh's attitude to his step being so rude to you. Why is dh allowing this, and dismissing you when you point it out? How would he feel if you insisted on having someone to say who was nasty to him?

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