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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to have walked out and be ignoring calls?

48 replies

Christmassynamechange · 23/12/2013 08:36

I went on staff works do last night. I started there about 6 weeks ago and was hanging out mainly with the people I've got to know at work. We are a big firm so there were lots of people I don't know.
Anyway one of the guys I chat to at work bought me a drink and we were having a chat by the bar, with others too. I was asking about his new baby son and his wife's new job.

Suddenly I realised people were really staring. I asked him if I had something on my face and he said no, they've all warned him off me because he really fancies me. And they've all said he shouldn't talk to me etc.

I felt sick. So I said that I thought we were just mates and he said he had a different phone to text me with ( have texted maybe 6 times?!)

So I walked away to the bar, another member of staff came to chat with me and said to keep away from him as he's married. I said I know!! And she said 'well you're welcome to him then'.

Feel so embarrassed. Hadn't spoken to him loads before. I think he's built it into a thing and told people at work that we talk a lot or something but we don't. Texts have been more 'is meeting in room 9 and how was hour weekend' type things. The way people were looking at me I think they presumed I've been trying to make a move. I'm gutted as I'm new and god knows what they think!! He keeps calling and I'm obviously ignoring it.

Don't know what I'm asking really.

OP posts:

Trills · 23/12/2013 09:21

No advice but lots of sympathy.

You are definitely NOT unreasonable to stop talking to him but I agree with Jaq that you will now unfortunately) have to think about how he might behave once he realises he is being ignored.

Callani · 23/12/2013 09:35

Horrible OP - having been in a similar situation years ago I would recommend going to HR asap.

I didn't and it ended horribly for me - wife came in to complain about my inappropriate behaviour and it basically ended with me leaving the company because I couldn't do my job.

ChasedByBees · 23/12/2013 09:38

He's behaving incredibly weirdly, please do register this and speak with the person who said, "you're welcome to him". She has obviously got (been given?) the wrong impression. For the sake of your career, you need to correct it. There may be lots of others who assume the same who haven't said anything to you so you need to nip this in the bid, both professionally and within the social group. How horrible.

ChasedByBees · 23/12/2013 09:39

LessMissAbs · 23/12/2013 09:48

That's really odd. I would ignore it and behave normally to everyone. A lot of it sounds like rumour and theres not a lot you can prove eg about the second phone.

AnotherWorld · 23/12/2013 10:00

He's behaved very badly. But involving work and HR just seems a bit OTT to me.

You know he's married. He knows you are married. Nothing has happened aside from a couple of texts which you said yourself didn't cause you alarm at the time.

If it were me, I'd go back to "you are welcome" woman and explain. Cold sober and be factual.

FudgefaceMcZ · 23/12/2013 10:04

I don't get why you would just say 'I know' to being told he was married and not say anything to her saying you were welcome to him- she obviously thinks you're interested so why didn't you tell her not? I don't ever get this on MN, people never seem to communicate clearly or completely, the other people at work can't read your mind so you need to make sure, if their opinion matters to you, that they know you aren't interested in creepyguy. Also complain about his dodgy phone thing and don't text him. It's not in any way your fault of course but I think you do need to learn to communicate a bit better with other colleagues (not that you should have to about this, because he's clearly just an arsehole, but you do need to stand up to people lying about you as he has).

WilsonFrickett · 23/12/2013 10:06

Send him one more text which firmly says: do not contact me again unless it is to discuss a work matter.

Don't apologise, don't explain, just state clearly the action you want, ie no further contact. Keep all texts.

If you want to complain officially, complain officially. If you feel you don't want to take that step (and I understand why you don't want to rock the boat) you still need to protect yourself by having an 'unofficial' conversation with a manager or more senior colleague. Then if fuckwit starts spreading his own version of events, someone will have your version of the truth.

Woman at the bar - I would be tempted to ignore, it depends what your relationship is like with her?

And please, please, don't feel 'bad' or 'sorry' about this. You have done nothing wrong.

Original poster

Christmassynamechange · 23/12/2013 10:07

I did say to her I don't want him and am not attracted to him but she just laughed. I think I'll speak to her at work and just clarify that it's entirely one sided and I won't be speaking to him again

OP posts:

Original poster

Christmassynamechange · 23/12/2013 10:08

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this advice

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 23/12/2013 10:11

I actually don't think I would approach the other woman. She sounds judgmental and unlikely to believe you anyway. She may have some agenda of her own, in fact.

Sorry this has happened. What a twat he is

Roisin · 23/12/2013 10:13

You should start keeping a written log now of any attempts he makes to communicate with you. (and include what happened at the works do).

You have now been very clear of your feelings/position and it will probably stop now.

But, he may start hassling you again in future, so it's important to get this all logged properly now. You don't need to show it to anyone now, but could use it as evidence in future if things get awkward/ugly again.

Original poster

Christmassynamechange · 23/12/2013 10:14

Ok you may be right about this woman.
Will definitely log things just in case. I'm hoping he feels embarrassed in light of day and leaves me alone!

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 23/12/2013 10:20

I think as a new member of staff you will be labelled as a trouble maker if you run to HR right away. Just use that as a threat to him, if you need to. I know it is wrong but people will be wary of you. From their perspective they will see a new person who flirted knowingly with a married man, may have shagged him, then ran to HR about him. You will not come out of that well. Again, I know it's wrong, but that is what will happen. Man up and tell him to leave you alone and only communicate with each other on a professional level. Threaten him with the grievance if you need to and do go through with it if necessary, but just think through the consequences first.

LessMissAbs · 23/12/2013 10:24

Maybe he is a well known letch at the office party and was just trying it on with the new girl. Maybe the line about the phone is something he thinks will impress a woman. Maybe the colleagues have seen it all before and are disgusted with it.

I don't think its something you should be wasting HR's time with right now as nothing has really happened or at least nothing much that you can prove - some pleasant chat and then one odd remark at the office party about a second phone.

It also happened at the office party, not during working hours - yes its probably still part of the work environment, but it seems so minor I think if I were you I'd just keep your head down and get on with your job, but if he does harass you, keep a record of it and complain to HR.

I suspect he will probably give up if he's not getting anywhere and move onto his next victim.

MissWinter01 · 23/12/2013 10:28

Really don't think involving HR is wise. It's a bit extreme.

OP, I would have a quiet but firm word telling him he got the wrong end of this stick and you don't feel comfortable continuing your friendship. I wouldn't go telling your colleagues either. If anyone brings it up try your hardest to shut them down with zero detail.

Fairenuff · 23/12/2013 10:32

Do not reply to any texts from him. Show the ones that you have received to HR. Ask them to convey to him that you are not interested, never have been, never will be. Crystal clear. Then stay well away from him.

Pancakeflipper · 23/12/2013 10:40

Surely the other staff know what he's like because from what you say you are not first he's done this to? I am sure your reputation is fine.

I would avoid. Tell him to keep a distance. Log stuff and get on with my work. If he makes one more move to HR. I am sure the colleagues will see it was a one sided crap attempt by him.

Miranda79 · 23/12/2013 10:48

I was in a similar situation when I was quite young. I didn't go to HR, but had a direct conversation with him that it was inappropriate etc. some time after I left the job, I found out he was already had a warning, and he pulled the same stunt again on someone else. If I'd reported it, he'd have been dismissed. I think you should at least have an unofficial conversation with someone senior or HR. You might not let this affect you hugely (I hope) but the next girl might be more vulnerable.

Miranda79 · 23/12/2013 10:52

And when there is a new 'new girl', tell her!!! Not nice that your colleagues all knew and didn't say anything ??

Clunch · 23/12/2013 10:54

Start to treat this as a work situation, and initiate a complaint with full evidence in order to protect your professional good name. Stop feeling embarrassed, as if this is a silly little incident that happened in the playground. After a 'please do not contact me again' text, do not respond to any further attempts to communicate.

WinterisComingVSoon · 23/12/2013 11:25

I would write to HR keeping it very factual and asking for it to be noted, on record? Anyone from a HR background know what I mean? I would want to cover myself in case it got nasty, if he can go to one extreme so easily and rapidly can he go the other way?

WinterisComingVSoon · 23/12/2013 11:25

Ahh I see I should have refreshed. Doh.

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