To think its our decision?

[Wingebag]

After looking at the benefits of my returning to work after my mat leave DH & I worked out I would take home £150/m. We discussed it & decided we would rather I became a SAHM as £150 is not worth putting our dd in childcare for each day, plus as DH works shifts he wouldn't see her every other week, whereas he does whilst we're at home. It is also a long way from where we live in a remote location, we were worried about the time it would take for me to get back to her if needs be.

We said I would look for a local part time job in the new year, until then we have savings & can live off DHs wage.

A job had come up for 30hrs, v local & is one in the right skill set for me. I asked DH if I should apply, he said he actually would prefer me to wait a while longer as he thinks dd still needs me at the moment & is learning a lot from the various groups we go to & from me being with her (I spend my entire day with her, playing, talking, reading, all non-her things get done when she goes to bed).

I said ok, we can cope money -wise & I do adore being with her. MIL called last night to say she's seen a job in the paper & that I should apply for it as "you don't want to be scrounging off DH forever".

We've explained what we've decided, my parents agree with it & it's DH who doesn't want me to apply, I am happy to go back to work (although I am very happy to be a SAHM).

Aibu to think that its our decision, as adults & a married couple who can support ourselves?

(BTW I have always worked up until dd was born, we have been together nearly 8 years so its not as if I've had a baby cuz I'm work shy)

YANBU, what she said was very offensive and your DH should explain to her that it's not OK for her to talk to you that way and you are not "scrounging" you are staying at home for the reasons you discussed.

Of course it is your decision! Your MIL is being very unreasonable and bitchy - definitely an appropriate time for the "did you mean to sound so rude?" comeback. You and your DH are the only people qualified to make this decision and if you are happy with it, then that is all that matters. The word "scrounging" in this context seems massively offensive to me and suggests that she may have a very dysfunctional marriage herself - does she? I would consider marriage to be a partnership within which everything is done for the benefit of the family - your DH's wage belongs to both of you as a couple, not to him alone. Sharing that income and concentrating your own efforts on raising your child is perfectly valid.

Why did you explain yourself to her?
Absolutely none of her business.
for you.

Be careful of becoming relevant on your DH for your sole source of income. I did and it was catastrophic when my marriage fell apart. Now I'm back at work but I so wish I work wall the time I was with DH. He used me not working as another weapon to attack me

*reliant

yanbu what a vile woman.

Does your MIL work?

YANBU.

Since having 2 of f/t child care age, we're in a similar position. Quality of life outweighs the benefits of the pocket money I'd keep by returning to a demanding career. The demands of DH's job make it impractical for me to do out of nursery hours work, so my choices are very limited at present.

The only opinions that matter are your's and DHs and what you feel is best for your family.

OP - your MIL sounds just like mine. My MIL thinks that I should get a job despite it not being possible for many reasons (and the fact that we would be financially worse off due to childcare costs). Me and my husband are happy with me being a SAHM so we just ignore his mother, but it's very hurtful to know that she thinks I'm a lazy cow.

Oh how rude none of her business

Reminds me of my mil when we announced having another baby..."Oh no, really?" All she saw was her poor son working all hours to support us, like it was my fault!
IMO it's not "only my husbands salary" it's "ours" because if I wasn't bringing up our children, I would be working.
Iris .. Like your comment, did you mean to be so rude? I'm saving it for when needed....

stubbs I can't claim credit, sadly - hang out on MN and you will see these words many times, it is fast becoming a phrase by which you may come to know someone as a fellow MNer (hopefully by hearing it addressed to someone else, rather than to ones self!)

A cheery laugh, followed by 'Oh no, MIL, you see, DH and I have one of those happy relationship where we work together as a team.'

YANBU at all, it's entirely your choice and a perfectly common one.

(But I will echo very nicely what other posters have said about turning down jobs and becoming solely reliant on your DH's job. It might just be me and it might just be the way you accidentally phrased your OP but did your DH essentially say no, I don't want you to go back to work?)

Yanbu. Your mil was so bloody rude!

Attitudes like hers are the reason the sahm (man or woman) is really undervalued. Tell her you have a job already, and one which many people (nursery workers, cleaners and PA's) get paid a very good wage for and they get holidays and an end time!

I probably shortened it a bit - DH did say it was up to me but he'd prefer me to wait a while longer, he'd never stop me if I wanted to go back to work. Tbh 30hrs is more than I wanted to do anyway.

Nope, MIL doesn't work, neither does FIL. They both took early retirement off the back of his v successful business which they sold - neither have worked since I've known them.

Thanks for the responses, I find it a tricky situation because DHs job is a lot of strange long hours whilst I get to play with our beautiful girl. Then again he has said that he couldn't stay home with her all day every day - aces in their places I guess

Scrounging?? How bloody RUDE!

I think I would have replied "I beg your pardon??!" in a shocked tone. Then I would have said "with all due respect MIL, this is none of your business, and I don't appreciate they way you have just described our mutual decision as my scrounging. Dh is fully on board with this, to the point where he actualkly wants me to hold off finding work for the time being. If you feel the need to an opinion on that, then please feel free to share it with your son."

Has she got form for being a cow objectionable?

is your MIL always so rude?
scrounging?
that is ludicrous.

it is no one else's business, not your parents or his parents. ffs

You are being entirely reasonable, apart from your sentence about how you devote 100% of time to dd during the day and do housework all night (I paraphrase) which sounds very Stepford-mothery to me.

YANBU

Your MIL has been very rude, it is none of her business, it is your decision and your lives. To say you are "scrounging" is completely ridiculous!

Rude and offensive and I would expect hubby to be having words with her.

I used yo get a lot of negative attitude too about being a SAHM but hubby and I have discussed it. He does long and unpredictable hours but loves his job and it's more of a career and vocation, if I went back to work full time I'd fully expect him to do only contracted hours and take a half share in childcare and home duties too. So not only would he not be able to give extra to the job he loves, any time we got when not at work would be doing chores at home leaving very little quality family time. So for us, we'd rather continue as we are and I'll either continue to do but to let properties as and when I can to fit in around him, or I can get a part time job to preserve our quality family time.