Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to not want PILs to mind just one of my DCs?

19 replies

JingleJemJem · 22/12/2013 21:50

Fully prepared to be told IABU here, as I'm not sure...I have a 3yr old DD and an 8mo DS. PILs very kindly used to mind my DD one day a week before DS came along and I took ML.

They have continued to have DD occasionally during the week to give me a break and for her to spend time with her 3 year old cousin (SIL's DD) who they look after 3 afternoons a week. She gets on well with her cousin and I think they find it easier with the 2 of them as they entertain each other. They have babysat at weekends for us a couple of times when we've been out too. All of which I greatly appreciate.

I am going back to work 4 days a week in March and we raised the question with them of whether they would be willing to look after both DCs one day a week (making it clear there was absolutely no pressure, DD is funded for nursery in the mornings now anyway and my DM is happy to have them every day, picking DD up from nursery each day). They have said having both would be too much for them (totally understandable). But they still want to have DD one day a week.

AIBU to think it would be unfair on my DS if they only look after DD? I know he's too young to understand but I am very paranoid about favouritism due to issues from my own childhood. Also it feels a little bit like they want DD there as a playmate for her cousin and not as a person in her own right if that makes sense? (They only want to mind her on the days when they have her cousin too - personally I would think a 10mo and a 3yo would be easier than two 3yo's tbh!) Am I being daft? I don't want to appear ungrateful.

Also it would make drop off and pick up more complicated as we would have to go to PIL's for DD and my DM's for DS, making a long day even longer. But is it churlish of me to say no?

By the way I know I am totally lucky to have 2 sets of grandparents around for my DCs and any childcare being offered at all - which is why I feel a bit of a twat for feeling upset out it, but I just can't shake that feeling of unfairness on DS's behalf.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 22/12/2013 21:52

It depends, if when your DD starts school and your DS is a bit older they will then have him it would be ok to me, but not if they never planned on having DS alone.

Annunziata · 22/12/2013 21:53

I think YABU, 2 3year olds and an 8 month old would be very difficult for even young people!

I am sure they adore your DS as much as any other grandchild, and when he is old enough to go without you, things will probably change again.

CrohnicallySick · 22/12/2013 21:55

He's too young to notice. Besides you said the 2 3 year olds get on great and entertain each other- so probably are easier to look after than a 3 yr OD and a 10 month old- if they're anything like my DD and DN when they're together anyway! (Similar age gap). So they ANBU only wanting to look after your DD.

However, if you don't want the 2 separate drop offs then tell them that, is there any way round it?

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2013 21:59

I think YABU to want them to have the baby too.

Also, there is nothing wrong at all in them wanting the two 3yr olds together if it makes life a little easier for them.

mumaa · 22/12/2013 21:59

If they are looking after your DN 3 afternoons per week, I can understand them wanting to have your DD on one of those days, otherwise they are then doing child are 4 afternoons per week.

2 x 3 year old plus baby may be a bit much so can understand this, and like others have said, am sure things will change as they get older.

YANBU to want a simple pick up/drop off scenario, if you explain this as the reason to get your DM to help, I am sure they will understand. Or is there a compromise where they could have your DD on an afternoon on one week in the month?

mumofweeboys · 22/12/2013 22:00

My own parents struggle with my baby and 3 year old as they find it too demanding. They manage fine seperatly but together they are just too much.

Since both girls are in nursery and they only have them in the afternoon, I can see it makes sense to have both girls together. My 3 yr old plays great with his older brother and they entertain each other.

Could you talk to your pil to see if they would be happy to have ds too when he is say 2 or 3 as your dd would be at school - might give you an indication if it is favouritism or just they are nervous about babies.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2013 22:03

If they are looking after your DN 3 afternoons per week, I can understand them wanting to have your DD on one of those days, otherwise they are then doing child are 4 afternoons per week.

Yes and this ^^ too, definitely.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/12/2013 22:05

If your parents can have both the children, let them both go to your mum/dad. Much easier in terms of continuity and drop offs, and it is nice for the children to be together. Nice for the grandparents to bond with the new baby too.

Branleuse · 22/12/2013 22:09

hes too young to notice.

If theyre still doing it when hes 2 or 3, then say something

Original poster

JingleJemJem · 22/12/2013 22:15

Yes I think I am going to say 2 sets of drop off and pick up would be a bit much but if they want to have DD once a month or so to spend some time with DN then that wpuld be nice and she can take the morning off nursery and they can have her (part of the problem is that they can't pick both girls up from nursery as they are same pick up times in different places, so DD would have to drop a day at nursery for them to have her, which I don't want as she's settling well there and preparing for school). Thanks for the suggestions. I think I'm projecting my own feelings about favouritism as there's no evidence of it really.

OP posts:

Sharaluck · 22/12/2013 22:35

I don't think you need to worry about favouritism. Who knows what will happen when your dd and dn is in school and your Ds is older.

What they suggest makes a lot of sense, it is much easier to have 2 similar older dgc who can play together. Adding an 8 month old would make this more difficult.

I think make your decision on whether to go weekly or monthly based on how much your daughter would enjoy spending the time with her gps and cousin.

DragonMamma · 22/12/2013 22:41

YABU

It's much easier to look after 2 children of the same age.

I have a similar age gap as you and a Dsis who is the same age as my eldest and having the 3 of them is hell on earth - the 2 girls want to play together and my DS ruins all their games (even now they are 6 and he's 3). I'd definitely not want to look after them voluntarily!

thegreylady · 22/12/2013 22:43

Two 3 year olds is much much easier than an active baby and a 3 year old. I'd ask if they'd have your ds occasionally when your dd is at nursery but let your dd go as often as convenient for you as long as her cousin is there too. I am a doting Grandma who has done lots of regular childcare for the last 7 years.
I wouldn't have the two together until dgs2 was 2+ though I often had them separately. However by three I loved it if we had a playdate with another 3 year old either at dd's house or the friend's.
I only have after school pickups now and miss the toddler times.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/12/2013 22:45

Can they just pick up your dd a bit earlier from nursery once a month, rather than not sending her?

Inertia · 22/12/2013 22:47

Two sets of dropoff and pickup would be a real pain - I would go with this being the problem, rather than favouritism. They can't be offended by travel complications.

wigglesrock · 22/12/2013 22:48

2 three olds in my experience is much easier than a three year old and a 10 month old. My in-laws minded my dd1 two mornings a week from when she was 4 months until she was 3 years. Due to changing circumstances they didn't have dd2 as regularly. They did then mind dd3 one morning a week for me for 6 months or so.

All my daughters have a great relationship with them & I don't think dd2 feels any differently & I know they don't feel less connected to her.

meganorks · 22/12/2013 22:59

I don't think they are picking favourites, just being honest about what they can manage. The 3 year olds will be in reception before you know it and then maybe they can have ds.

If you can't do 2 drop offs then you will have to turn them down. But personally I would want to try and let the cousins get together.

oscarwilde · 23/12/2013 00:02

You'll have two drop offs soon enough when your DD starts school. It's only one day a week. Talk to your DM, she may appreciate dropping to one child one day a week.

AwfulMaureen · 23/12/2013 00:29

Yanbu at all. DS will notice by the time he's 2 or 3. Not fair.

Flip