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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be out of my depth with teen dd

17 replies

coco35 · 22/12/2013 16:47

Oh i am at a loss as to how to handle my dd anymore.
She is not a wild child but still a very difficult one to parent.
She has a deep and quiet personality and one of those kids that is bone idle and would literally not get dressed or get fresh air if i didnt insist.
She would jump up to get ready though if i said we were goin shopping or something like that and has friends so its not as if she reclusive -just lazy.

I have noticed twice recently that her friends while here visiting have kind said to her hang on give your mam a break. She has started to get very personal in her insults towards be and extremely defiant. If i even said turn down the tv while she would be sitting right next to remote she would say in a minute and continue to ignore me.

So last night after a few different small things she wouldnt do i said ok i have had enough and turned off wifi. This had made her worse as she has said now that she can do what she likes as i cant punish her anymore then i have! She is expected at an event this eve and is refusing point blank to go.

I am seperated from her dad but i have just told her rightly or wrongly that i am giving her 30 mins to think about her behaviour and then i am phoning her dad to come and have a word.This is the first time ever i have had to resort to him.

I told her i cannot have a teen under my roof who is defying me and who i cant control.

As i have said she is the deep type that wont ever tell me anything about what is going on. I dont have her passwords for facebook or mobile and she wont friend me on fb.

Please advise me.............she is my first dc and i havent a clue what to do.
Add message | Report | Message poster RhondaJea

OP posts:

TwistedTrout · 22/12/2013 16:49

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 22/12/2013 16:51

How old is she?

Vivacia · 22/12/2013 16:52

How old is she?

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 22/12/2013 16:52

Add message | Report | Message poster RhondaJea

????

Original poster

coco35 · 22/12/2013 16:59

OP posts:

TwistedTrout · 22/12/2013 16:59

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour that needs nipping in the bud. Think you may have been a bit premature in getting dad involved as undermines your authority, however I understand your reasons why and hopefully he will back you up. I think you need to stay strong with your removal of broadband and insist that she friends you on Facebook ( I know she can open up another account but its the principle).
Try doing fun things with her - being a teenager is horrible, she would probably secretly love a shopping trip, cinema/ DVD day with you. In my experience this can help a lot. If all else fails does her school nurse have numbers for parent groups? Have heard they are good for this kind of thing? Good luck

HairyGrotter · 22/12/2013 17:02

I'm with Lamb and the whole end of message thing!

What is that?!?

NoComet · 22/12/2013 17:18

Apart from standing no nosense, I can't help much, DD2(almost 13) has her moments and DD1(almost 16) thinks teens are mostly daft.

(End of message, a guess accidentally pasting having tried to copy someone's username on another thread on a phone. You have to select too much and edit on this iPhone).

Original poster

coco35 · 22/12/2013 17:19

i only had a day out shopping with her last week - meal in her favourite restaurant etc.

end of message - was because i also posted this on teens forum and copied and pasted badly in my stressed state -so sorry

OP posts:

NurseRoscoe · 22/12/2013 17:20

The dad message thing is what it says at the bottom of the post, looks like OP's computer has messed up and she's copied and pasted or something.

As for your daughter OP it's hard without knowing her. Something is telling me that she may have depression, I have it myself and have 'episodes' where I cannot face doing anything. Most of the time im a really active motivated person so it's hard, it can affect people differently, so may be an explanation.

Saying that, lots of teens (well not just teens, people in general!!) are lazy. If you speak to your gp/school nurse or your daughter yourself and rule out depression or anything like that, stop doing things for her, stop cooking her dinner, washing her clothes, cleaning up after her, literally make sure nothing is done for her unless she does it herself. It won't last long!!

NurseRoscoe · 22/12/2013 17:21

Add message* sorry for cross post and stupid autocorrect

LimitedEditionLady · 22/12/2013 17:43

Do you argue a lot?Do you argue more than talking?I remember not getting on with my mum as a teen and when I think back it was definately because we spent that much time battling each other that our whole life around each other was battling.It then became like I just interpreted everything in a way that she was getting at me when sometimes I guess she wasnt.I think if you get her dad over she will just see that as ganging up on her and she will end up moaning to her dad about YOU when thats not fair.

Original poster

coco35 · 22/12/2013 23:40

thanks for replies. things a bit better. i have had a conversation with her. told her i dont want to deprive her of things but i need her to cooperate.she said she is sorry so i gave her back her phone etc.

hope i am not either being too hard or too soft its so hard to know with them at this age.

i really hope that is the end of the arguements for afew days.

its not that we argue alot. its more that i am constantly asking her to do things - simple things - and she just wont do them or she might do them if i am (standing over her sounds extreme) but if i am in the next room and she knows she has to. but even with bad behaviour she will happily ask me for money if she is going out with her friends and i dont want to say no because then i feel she will be socially excluded etc.

teens these days seem to be so tricky and the gang of friends she has,which are lovely girls but been to fall out over the least thing.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 22/12/2013 23:43

she has a choice. she plays by the rules and life is good or she doesn't and accepts the consequences. she doesn't sound too out of control tho7gh.

Original poster

coco35 · 22/12/2013 23:57

no shes not out of control that may have been a bit extreme but she is highly un-cooperative etc etc.and i worry so much about what is going on on face book and at discos etc.She just never tells me anything. But i was the very same myself in terms of secrecy but we didnt have as many outside influences.

also am so sick of hearing from other mams that they are their dd's are so close and their dd's tell each other everything. i dont really believe it but a tiny bit of info from dd would go along way.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 23/12/2013 00:05

My teen is similar. I constantly get accused of nagging.

I have learned not to stress about it. She generally gets it done eventually.

If you can take control of the things you can, for example, taking the remote and turning the tv down after she hasn't bothered then it might irritate you less.

16 is a horrible age - not quite an adult but wants to be.

Dd is nearly 19 and things are easier, with the occasional crisis. I think we've come to a point of mutual respect though.

AgentZigzag · 23/12/2013 00:49

If you didn't give her the money and she was socially excluded that'd be completely her responsibility.

Does she play on knowing you won't say no to her if she asks for cash? Her being able to turn being a pain off so she can ask you for money maybe says she does.

I would go for threatening her with no money for set time/specific event and then following it up if needs be, but saving it for when you feel you're out of your depth the most.

Which is difficult to judge when they keep coming out with random outrageousess every other day

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