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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be mad at the In Laws?

45 replies

rubyslippers7788 · 22/12/2013 16:41

Dear All,

I really need advice as I do not know if I am being unreasonable or if my in laws are being unfair to me! ...

On Friday evening my in laws came over for a coffee and a chat, my husband wasn't there as he was at work. My mother in law seemed really quiet and not like her normal self. I asked what they had planned for the evening and who was cooking ... they said they would probably get a take away and didn't mention any other plans.

Anyway, It turned out that they actually had a planned family get together that evening at their house ( I found out through a relatives facebook status). My Mother in Laws sister was there who they hardly see as she lives abroad ... I have never met her. I don't think that I am that upset about not being invited, I think I am more upset that they didn't say they had planned a family meeting when I asked what their plans were for that evening.

Do you think that I am being unreasonable to be upset that I was invited or told about this gathering? I actually feel as though they have been extremely sly. We are usually very close and it's not something that they would usually keep a secret / not invite me and my son to.

I am also a bit miffed as their family members went who live on the other side of the city to which we live. If I had at least known that they had planned a get together I could have sent their Christmas presents to save us a journey from having to drop the presents off at their houses.

When my in laws found out that I know that they all met up they just said that they had a great time and that they hardly get together as a family. This makes me think that they do not see me as family. What do you think?!

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 22/12/2013 18:56

I would personally ring them up and challenge them directly.

'Just so I'm clear, this was a family get-together, with far flung members etc... yet we weren't invited?' Am just wondering what I've done to upset you and why you left us out?' Ok, well just so we both know where we stand etc...

More to clarify exactly what the problem is, but also to let them know you know!

raisah · 22/12/2013 19:29

My in laws are like this. YRNBU in feeling left out, they are causing unnecessary divisions and tensions in the family.

Annonynon · 22/12/2013 19:36

YANBU

but the whole 'not being family' thing works both ways, I'd be seriously reconsidering how much I wanted to include them in the future. I'm not saying I'd go no contact or anything drastic but I would think twice about inviting them to share nice family events

LouiseAderyn · 22/12/2013 19:57

I'd be backing off from them too - not spending every weekend with them for example. If your dh works away a lot perhaps you would be better spending time with people who are 'yours' and who are not spending time with you just because you married their son.

Oldraver · 22/12/2013 20:27

I would be miffed..my ex-in laws did something similar...invited everyone to a show but as my DH was away I didnt get an invite.

Out of interest are the in laws coming to you at Christmas ?

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/12/2013 20:36

Nothing wrong with not inviting you, nobody is obliged to invite everyone just because a few of the guests are related.

Perhaps her sister does not fancy meeting your dc often unless your on each others door steps great aunt/uncle is almost the same as not really related.

Lying is not good she shouldn't have done so.

HoHoHopasholic · 22/12/2013 20:56

I can understand why you're miffed. I would be too.
DH's Aunt once came over from NZ at Christmas time. She said 'Lets have a family photo, so everybody get in, oh except for you hohohop'

She made me take the pic, she was on the end so I 'accidentally' chopped her out of the pic

hackneybird · 22/12/2013 21:03

hoho how rude!

OP, you say your MIL was uncharacterisically quiet - I wonder whether she was feeling awkward or upset about not inviting you, and that here might be 'family background' you're not aware of?

ceebie · 22/12/2013 21:35

I agree with hackney.

I appreciate that you would feel hurt and upset. However, your in laws do have a right to a get-together without you if they want to. It seems odd that they would want to, given that you get on well, so it implies that there is some background that you're not aware of. It does sound as if your MIL didn't like lying to you, she probably felt dreadfully uncomfortable particularly as you usually get on well. They were very daft to not tell you and hope you wouldn't find out! However, you can see how they would shy away from "Sorry, we're having a get-together, you're not invited" - not likely to go down well either, is it?

I think it's up to your DH to discuss it with MIL, not you. I can never understand how so many DILs are the ones to have it out with their MILs, rather than letting their DHs talk to their own mothers.

Blu · 22/12/2013 21:44

Very odd.
Not everyone has to be invited to everything - they could just have said 'oh, my sister is coming over...'

Don't make a big deal of it, just say 'why on earth didn't you tell me abut the get together, I could have sent the presents over.'

Some people are v odd and imagine that couples only go outwith the other half, maybe they thought you wouldn't go if your DH wasn't there? And got themselves all convoluted about it?

bellasuewow · 22/12/2013 22:55

Op it's your mother in laws sister that she hardly ever sees and that you have never met so give them a break perhaps they wanted to spend time with her without a huge crowd and perhaps they lied because they were worried about your reaction which has been really bad to be fair. I think you are being a. Bit unreasonable especially as you say you are close. Many people on mn would give their right arm to have. Halfway decent relationship with their il so don't imagine the worst and chuck it away on a perceived slight.

ManifestoMT · 23/12/2013 01:11

Op may be there was some family business that the wanted to talk about that the would feel awkward or embarrassed about.
Long lost children or wills or something of that ilk.
Mil being quiet and not saying shows she knew she was not being fair .
It might not be as bad as your thinking

ManifestoMT · 23/12/2013 01:13

Or maybe it's the long not seen sister that they are embarrassed about.

It's not you it's them

Topaz25 · 23/12/2013 02:22

I can understand why you are upset that they didn't mention the get together but since this the first time they have made you feel left out in 14 years I would not jeopardise your normally close relationship by making a big issue out if it. Just mention lightly that you could have given them the family presents if you had known and maybe they will see they were being silly.

EdithWeston · 23/12/2013 04:56

OP: have you spoken to DH yet?

I think it is important that you clarify with him whether he was invited. For although you know he didn't go (and couldn't have gone) that isn't quite the same as never being invited and knowing nothing about it.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 23/12/2013 06:57

Yanbu

ceebie · 09/01/2014 12:50

ruby did you get to the bottom of this? Did your DH speak to his parents?

fluffyraggies · 09/01/2014 12:54

Gah! Thought it was an update!

MrsCakesPremonition · 09/01/2014 12:58

This is your DH's family so you need to follow his lead.
If he is unconcerned about missing the event, then it would be odd if you were more upset than him about not meeting his aunt.
If he is upset, then you can be upset on his behalf.

Either it is his job to discuss it with his mother if he wants to.

MomsStiffler · 09/01/2014 13:17

Maybe they though you'd read too much into not being invited? A bit like you are doing?

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