aibu expecting my children to take some responsibility and clean up after themsel

[kazza446]

My 3 children are 5, 6 & 8. I am currently 38wks pregnant.I have struggled psychologically with this 4th pregnancy which was unplanned as I really don't know how I will manage with a ft job, homework, housework etc. The truth is I just spend all my time running around after kids tidying up after them. They will think nothing of eating food in front room and leaving wrappers on floor / wherever they land. They have a playroom of their own which they just tip out all toys and then leave them. They often spread over into lounge and conservatory. When I ask them to get changed the clothes that they are wearing are just left wherever they drop. I'm close to breaking point and feel that they should be taking some responsibility now. I feel that my life is consumed by nagging them and following around tidying up after them. AIBU expecting them to have some respect and tidy up themselves??

Not at all

My 2 older boys (5 and 7) tidy up after themselves. And ds3 (1) will be doing the same as soon as he's old enough to put toys back in the box.

They tidy their own rooms, put their plates in the sink after they've eaten, put their rubbish in the bin, put their dirty clothes in the washing basket, make their beds and open curtains, put all toys away etc

No you are not. Mine are the same I don't go on at them all the time but I do expect that we all pitch in for an hour or two at the weekend. Only it doesn't happen even if I plead nag.. I've tried binning their things. . I even tried making a wage packet with 3.00 in to be received when they completed their tasks. Cue much hysteria from the eldest about how unreasonable I was for making him do it and the youngest said he didn't want the money.
I know people may think me weak or parenting correctly but I do eventually manage to get them going. The effort to get them going is exhausting and upsetting. And what's so flipping difficult about using a bin or laundry hamper in the first place? They will leave a wrapper on the floor next to the bin. Have had a gutful.

They are 10 & 8 both male piglets

Thanks everyone. I've debated trying the bin bag everything approach. I've threatened them with father christmas, saying that every toy I pick up means one less from father Christmas but that's not worked. Just re-reading my text back I sound like such a softy. I've just been in playroom and found an empty crisp packet, an empty cereal bar wrapper and a juice carton. Think I will just have to start re-establishing boundaries & ban them from eating anywhere but kitchen table. I feel so mean as I rarely let them have friends in as they see it as a ticket to just trash the house from top to bottom. homeqcrich we sound so alike!!

Thanks everyone. I've debated trying the bin bag everything approach. I've threatened them with father christmas, saying that every toy I pick up means one less from father Christmas but that's not worked. Just re-reading my text back I sound like such a softy. I've just been in playroom and found an empty crisp packet, an empty cereal bar wrapper and a juice carton. Think I will just have to start re-establishing boundaries & ban them from eating anywhere but kitchen table. I feel so mean as I rarely let them have friends in as they see it as a ticket to just trash the house from top to bottom. homeqcrich we sound so alike!!

I have a sticker chart. Everytime they tidy up they get a sticker. When they've got 10 stickers they get a treat. Something like staying up half an hour later or playing a game on my phone for a bit or a trip to the park etc.

Why are you letting them eat all over the house for a start?

I'm 36 weeks pregnant with number 5. If kids eat anuwhere else apart from the kitchen they have to do so over plates carefully. If they don't then they have yo go to the kitchen. Our eldest 12 & 14 have to keep their room tidy/hoover/bring washing down/take dog out and help with dishwasher. Our youngest two (6&8) have to pick up after themselves, put clothes in laundry, make beds, at least make a start on the shit tip they're more than capable of creating.
What help does DP give? My DH does at least half the housework (works fulltime) and now I'm the size of Moby Dick with crippling spd he does virtually everything.
I'd second the binbag approach, not just for punishment but to get rid of a lot of the tat kids accumilate (sp?) over the years. The less there is the less there is to tidy. Especially with the influx of Christmas pressies. Get DH to have a massive cull of stuff whilst you put your feet up and to let the children know this can't go on like this.
Look after yourself, it does get better as they get older but you've got to set out the ground rules now to get the respect you and your home deserve.

And this is why it's sensible to have a 'no food out of the kitchen' rule.

FLYLADY.

FLYLADY FLYLADY FLYLADY.

My basic rules include:

• food, drawing & anything messy in the kitchen.
• no eating outside of regular mealtimes
• everyone dresses themselves etc

Now and again I instigate a bedroom blitz: 15 minutes on the clock, anything on the floor is charity shopped. A few tears while they get used to it - but I think my logic is sound: if you can't make it look presentable in 15 minutes, you are overwhelmed with stuff - so lets reduce the stuff so it's more manageable, You can't be control freaky about it though - things will get shoves into drawers & muddled.

Then I do FLYLADY homeblessing hour. That is 6*10 minute jobs done one after another (the tone you're looking for is high-energy & urgent). List the jobs. Everyone picks one. Set a timer - go & do jobs - reconvene after 10 mins to choose another job.

Def not I have 5 children with exception of the baby, 9 months, everyone has to pull together and if you got it out you put it away, even my 5 year old wipes the table, sets the table & knows if she leaves her toys out she picks them up. With 4 chilsren you have to instill this otherwise you will either have a house in a constant mess and never find anything or be the slave doing it all yourself. The longer you they don't help the harder it will be to change their habits.
Procrast ... Is right - absolutely no eating except at the dining table.

all food eaten at the table (or you're not allowed nice snacks between meals, only water and apples)

craft stuff put away after playing ( or you can't be trusted to use it again)

toys are taken upstairs at the end of the day ( if its messy I don't have time to make pancakes on Saturday mornings as I need to clean)

they only get a reward if they do a task unasked like tidy away their plates after lunch, then I do a sticker and a haribo.

I'm soft as butter

I don't let them eat all over the house. I don't have a kitchen diner nor a dining room!

You do have to actually teach them, not just expect them to know these things. If you are running around after them tidying up all the time how will they ever learn how to tidy up?

YAofcourseNBU.

I don't have the answer though.
DS1 tidies up after himself.
DS2 is hopeless.
DS3 and 4: jury is still out

Yes, no eating in the house. Any sweetie wrapper I find I put in their bed (DS1 takes the hint and puts it in the ben, DS2 just swipes it back out of his bed and on the floor. I then put it back in his bed...)

All I expect them to do it put their own rubbish in the bin and their dirty laundry in the laundry bin. They are 10 and 9 btw.

YANBU, but YA a bit U posting this as if it was all their fault. They're not going to learn unless you teach them, are they? And if nagging isn't getting the message home then you need to find a way that does.

I have a 8, 6 , 2 old and they keep their own rooms tidy, make their beds, stick their clothes in the washing basket & keep the playroom tidy. I know this sounds smug & I don't mean it to be, but I don't understand why they don't do it.

My kids eat in different rooms, I don't have an issue with it. They do leave wrappers on the floor & they're pulled right back into the room & told told to pull their finger out & show a bit of respect - God I'm turning into my Mother

Do they see their Dad cleaning up? Do they think it's just your job?

Err? Mine know damn well what a bin is for.. perhaps I should hover over every snack they have every toy they play with. . They know what a toybox is.. There just seems to be something missing in the cognition... they don't need teaching they need to fucking do it.

Ha ha, you're right everyone. I just sometimes feel guilty for being the nagging mother. To be fair, my eldest has been a godsend in past few months in some respect. He has got the Hoover out and vacuumed for me without being asked, will clean kitchen sides down and enjoys doing jobs like that without being asked. It's just the everyday things like putting toys away, clothes in wash basket. I will just have to be more consistent, no eating outside of meal times and definitely not away from dining table. flylady I love your thinking! Thanks everyone for all your tips xx

I banished all food and drink from anywhere other than the kitchen / diner as I was having the same trouble, we then started tidy up time at about 7pm whereby we all chipped in for 20 mins and got everywhere tidy toys away etc worked a treat - then it slips for a bit and we start it again - my one pet hate is wrappers not in the bin

Thanks golightly133 I started the food ban today. Kids were informed, no food to leave kitchen and no mid meal snacking. I put a lot of toys in a carrier last night and explained that anything left on floor at end of night would be put in bag. The bag would be emptied into bin at end of week if there was anything in it. It's worked a treat today. They've really tried to clean up today. Feeling much more positive x

Thanks golightly133 I started the food ban today. Kids were informed, no food to leave kitchen and no mid meal snacking. I put a lot of toys in a carrier last night and explained that anything left on floor at end of night would be put in bag. The bag would be emptied into bin at end of week if there was anything in it. It's worked a treat today. They've really tried to clean up today. Feeling much more positive x

That's good to hear.
Clear rules and expectations can be hard at first but it will make you all happier in the long run.

I was surprised, there were no complaints at all. They were quite humorous really!! Needless to say the bag that was full of crap had been tidied away before bed. Let's hope it continues!